Archive for the Fatherhood & Family Category

Still, what to use as a Title…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, Love, PTSD, Questions, Respect, Uncategorized on April 18, 2017 by dankline2000

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

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So what, do you have an answer?????

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD on September 5, 2016 by dankline2000

There is no winning or losing, you either want to wake up in the morning or you don’t, and if you can’t find a way to live with yourself well then why run away from it. Why because I don’t want to die, I want to live, not survive but live. But if you can’t find a way to do that, then you’re fucked. This, this right here, right now in this instance, this very fucking second in my life is not living; fuck it this isn’t even existing. So fuck it I’m done running because I’m having one fucking hell of a time living with myself. All my reasons are gone, my son doesn’t want anything to do with me and no one and not even my son will tell me what the fuck I did. I have gone through so many scenarios of what if’s with that, that I can’t even tell you what fucking day of the god damn week it is. I can’t pay my way in this fucking messed up self-centered world because my work just tells me it’s coming this is just the calm before the storm, I got no fucking food in my house to eat you stupid fuckers. I can’t even force myself to give two shits about a fucking thing. Fuck work, bills, family, friends, and this fucking world in general. I’m fucking sick of the struggle, don’t you see that? I’m fucking sick of worrying about the day to day mundane fucking bullshit like bills, food, work, relationships (ya it’s so fucked up I had to say it twice), all of it is so fucking tiring that I don’t fucking care anymore. I keep asking for help, it never comes so why, tell me why shouldn’t I just give the fuck up? To think I was a fighter, what a fucking joke. All I am is tired, lost and in need of just one, one thing to see me through, rest….. Honestly in your heart you wanna wake up tomorrow and the next day because that day, that day right there might just be the best fucking day of your life, probably just stick around and see, but in this case you might just want to have faith. It’s just too fucking bad I have been proven wrong on this account too many times.

Fuck it all,

Dan Kline

Just for this day…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Friendship, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2014 by dankline2000

For today I ask just this, to be granted a semblance of peace of mind. To not allow the anger to show, but to let the anger dissipate and be gone from my body, my mind and my soul. To be able to live with myself just the"Today" way I am. To be aware of what it is that I am doing, not only to myself but others. To learn to trust others as I don’t trust but one person now and it isn’t me. To show others that I am fully capable of caring and of doing for others as they have done for me. To be given the chance to love again, to truly feel the love I have felt before.

I want to just be, I am not sure if i understand what that is but I am willing to learn. I want to be calm, open minded and aware. Not closed off, not separated, not in a state of seemingly suspended animation to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I grow weary of this cycle and wish it to stop.

To take the things I have learned in my life and to pass them on, to show, not to teach for teaching is not something I am capable of doing. To pass on what limited knowledge I have to another, I would like that to be my son, but as he grows older he has to walk his own path, but I would like him to walk that path with some of the things I have shown him along the way. This last week my son worked with me, actually worked with me to achieve a goal set before me and if it were not for him I would not have achieved that goal. To say that I am proud of him is not enough; I have no words to express how pleased I am with him. To see him work at something, to work till his arms ached, his back hurt and he was sore all over. He didn’t quit, he complained very little, but he did not stop till the day’s work was completed, then went back again the very next day and did it all over again. And yet still wants to go with me on Monday to finish the job he helped to start. How to explain or even to express how I feel towards him is impossible. All I can do is show him how much I love him and keep showing him the things that I can.

My work completes me unlike anything I have ever felt before; it starts with an idea, then to a sketch of that idea, then to drawings and construction documents of that idea. Then it goes one step farther and the idea, sketch, construction documents become a reality. To be able to share that with others gives me more pleasure than one can believe. To make an idea a reality for others to see. If I could pass on one thing to my son it would be that, take your ideas and make them a reality for the whole world or even just one person to see. I would pass this along to all of you, life is short, and life is not fair, find something that makes you happy, if it is only the simplest of things grab a hold of it and make it a reality.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

the story goes on…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 23, 2013 by dankline2000

It is not that I don’t want to go into details about the actual brutality of the things I went through as a child; I know that you are smart enough and old enough to understand the complexities of those events. It actually hurts me more to recall them than it would to actually explain them.

In 1981 my parents finally divorced and we moved again as usual, but to say that the abuse both physical and emotional continued would be to tell the truth. If was always there always with a different man or boyfriend and trust me there were many in those years after the divorce, hell there were many before the divorce. My mother became a drunk and a drug addict in this time and well I have a feeling she was before even when she was married to my dad. Once again I went through beatings, broken arms, legs and collar bones; I went through emotional turmoil due to the fact that I was never taken care of except by my brother. I sometimes feel that if it weren’t for David I would have ended up in a worse position than I am in now. God Dylan if you only knew how many men she went through and the things she did, like leaving me and David alone while she went states away just for a man, leaving two young children alone to fend for themselves with no adult supervision.

I was fourteen when I finally left home, I could no longer live that kind of life, you see I was in fear for my life and in reality I was in fear for the next person who tried or actually succeeded in hurting me. I had to go don’t you see, if I didn’t I was going to either end up dead or in jail for killing the next person who hurt me, I just couldn’t take it anymore, fourteen is only one year away from where you are at right now. I had to lie to people to get a job, I know in my mind that they knew I was younger than I really was but somehow someway they gave me the job and I supported myself, I lived in an apartment, I rode my bike to work or was picked up by one of the guys. I was doing what most adults in this world cannot do for themselves right now at fourteen. No one understands that, they think I am telling a lie or just taking years off that I was actually older than that. This is the truth Dylan the plain simple truth. I moved a lot, took off and went to different states for no reason at all other than the sudden urge to leave, I could tell you it was random but I could feel it the fear creeping up on me so I had to go. Am I over that now? I can tell you that yes I am, I do not even want to move to another house anymore. Do I still get that feeling, yes I do but I know what it is now as to before I didn’t know what it was. The next time I saw my mother she was moving to New Mexico, so somehow she talked me into to going with her reenrolling in school and I got to the 12th grade but I had to go again, this is the time that I moved to Kentucky, I was done, I was no longer in constant fear because I was as big then as I am now, 6’-2” tall and well if I didn’t weight that much I had learned a lot about protecting myself from Uncle Jack Fortenberry. But you have to understand that even then I still lived with the constant emotional abuse from my own mother, constant verbal harassment and always reminding me and taking me back into the past every time she got drunk or high. So like I said I left again and came to Kentucky. I was here and here was where I was going to stay.

Now I can tell you about my first marriage but it is a moot point the only thing you need to know is that you have a half brother. Jesus I have left out the whole St. Louis time where I met your brother Daniels mother. But that is really not what this story is about.

I will tell you some of the things that happened with your mother, I know you don’t really want to hear them but I am going to tell them anyways. I have done this several times. Fuck it I am not going into it, it doesn’t matter I don’t exist to her anymore by my own wishes.

The things I have told you the fears, and personality traits I learned over a life time of abuse and learning how to make myself as small as I can I this world so as to not be noticed have changed, I no longer want to run, I no longer want to hide who I am  or the things that has happened to me, I think that your mother has never understood any of these things I have ever told her, I don’t think she understands why I was the man I was.  I know a lot of people have had very rough lives, some worst than mine, but I am not going to be that person anymore, and I think that the things that happened between your mother are not totally true, I have told my part on that but like I have said I don’t think she is telling me the whole truth on a lot of things. She will tell you that she is and you can believe her if you want, I will not believe her until she comes clean, I will never go to a joint session with her and you, not because of you but because of the feelings I now harbor for her at this time in my life.

I will still tell things as they come to me.

the beginning of a story that needs to be told…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 21, 2013 by dankline2000

Although I have started this story perhaps thousands of times I have never actually finished it, it is a story about me, about how I became the person that I am today. It is about fear, anger, loss, regrets, choices made and choices not made. I don’t expect you to fully understand any of this at all but perhaps it will give you more of an understanding of how I actually ended up sitting here today trying to justify my own life.

I am going to do my best to explain my childhood to you in terms that will not frighten you or make you think I have lost my mind entirely, understand that parts of it will sound much like a real story, and other parts will be much like a horror story. I really have to explain that I actually don’t remember all that much of my actual childhood just fragments, bits and pieces if you will. It will probably not follow any kind of timeline and will wander around as much as my own mind does, so please bear with me.

This is what I remember of my childhood. I remember fear and hate and anger, I don’t remember things like having any fun, I do remember one time we were moving from one base to another and we were driving across country and I remember we had stopped at a rest stop and dad fixed fired squash, zucchini and onions for the very first time on a Coleman stove. I remember one Christmas in Puerto Rico that was the one and only good Christmas we had ever had with my dad. I do remember snorkeling in Coba Rojo Bay. To be honest those are really the only good times I do remember having with my dad. I want to tell you all of the bad things that I remember about him but I am not sure that is a good idea, those things I remember are scary even for me to think about. One I know for sure is this I didn’t know love from my father, I don’t really know that he actually ever told me that at all. I have always had to wonder whether he loved me as his son or not. The one thing I promised myself when I was younger laying in the dark trying to hold myself together after I got my ass beat, or laying in the hospital with broken bones or burns across my body was that I would tell my children if I had any that I loved them, they would always hear those words from me, hope that clears up why I am always telling you that and I will never stop telling you that I love you, son. This man did unspeakable things to me and my brothers and my mother, he would beat us, play psychological games on us, and he would force us to labor physically until we were spent with exhaustion. I was so small and he was so big what could I do, if anyone ever found out it would only get worse, who was I to tell. No one would listen, just as it seems no one is listening to me now. I can remember actually dreading him coming home at night because you never knew what was going to happen, to live your entire childhood in fear that whatever you did was never going to be good enough, you could never get your chores done fast enough, you could never get the right amount of coffee in the cup, knowing this would get you backhanded across the room or punched or kicked. How was I to know that I ever did anything right? He played head games with us I know you know about the one where he would go for days and not do anything to us and then when you did the least little thing wrong he would explode and collapse your entire world around you. I remember I was running through the house one day and slipped and went crashing through the sliding glass door and cut myself really bad, he beat my ass for breaking the glass took me to the base hospital and they stitched me up then when we got home he beat my ass again for taking time away from his day. I can remember my brothers taking up for me and taking the beatings that were meant for me. I can remember having to watch as they were beaten for their punishment, they also had their turn watching me, but I was so small and what was I supposed to do? You know I never told anyone about what happened to me as a child until I met your mother and really I only scratched the surface with her, she doesn’t know it all, there are some things I will never talk about with anyone, I actually tried with your mother but by then it was too late she didn’t really seem to care anymore. It is ok that she doesn’t care about me anymore, but that is for later on in the story not right now. As I got older the more severe the beating could be because I could handle more than when I was younger, but again what was I supposed to do. We left him, we left him a lot but we always went back, I am not sure why we always went back only your grandmother can answer that and now we will never know. I always wanted the sitcom TV family; mom, dad, and the brothers where ya things went wrong but no one got hurt and everyone loved each other and knew it. I always wanted a family, and I got one for awhile and I still do have a family it is you now. But understand that the things I have done in my life have one common denominator, fear. I ran away because of fear, I got angry because of fear. I left you and your mom because of fear, all because I couldn’t escape my own mind, the thoughts of my world coming crashing down all around me, I was afraid it would happen so I made it happen before it could happen to me, I don’t know if you understand that or not, but because of all the things that happened to me as a child grew up with me in to an adult and they grew bigger with me. I am going to stop for now because I am not feeling very well; I love you with my life son.

Dan Kline

Never more real than right now…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 11, 2013 by dankline2000

Tree of Life

Tree of Life

Damn it what is wrong with me, I really don’t give a shit about white, grey or black. Walking a thin line, ha, I am only fooling myself, yes it sounds great on paper right. I always thought I had some control over whether I lived or died, like it was mine to control. I have no fucking control over my own damn life, there are too many variables for me to be able to know when I will die and by what means. Fuck I keep thinking about it, trying to put a brave front on it for all the world to see, but it is simple, I have no control over my own life or death, the first responders told me that we all should have died in this accident and from what I just saw as we rode by the scene he may have been right, so why all those many times of timid botched suicide attempts. I will tell you why I was too afraid to die, more afraid of that than living with who I am. I have mental problems I don’t know that they are all not flat out lies in their own right, the things done to me were real but what about me, self doubt has set in very strongly and it took this incident to make me look at things in a different way or light, my father, my mother, my brothers, my wife and my children all of them lost to me or scattered to the four corners of the world, my father and mother dead, I never got to say goodbye to either one of them, my eldest brother far across the ocean, I never even got to know him, my second eldest brother, we hardly talk at all and rarely see each other, yet he lives in Florida. My wife, I can never get her back, too much pain and too many I am sorry for her to ever return to me though I love her with all my fucked up little heart. My children Daniel, William and Dylan. Well Daniel lives in Louisiana and we don’t see each other as often or ever since he left, and talk even less. William lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and I haven’t seen him since he was a toddler and yet I think I have his correct phone number but I am afraid that he will reject me if I even try to call. Dylan is my light and life, he loves me no matter how fucked up I am and I feel I don’t deserve that love, but I see him as much as I can. So how do I change the fear into courage, I want to tell every one of these people how much I love them, that I want to get to know them, that I miss them. It is a simple idea I call or visit them, but for the fear I would. This is what has happened to me from one moment of time one clear vision that I don’t control my life, it is controlled by another and when it is time for me to leave this earth that other will do what needs to be done. Just wish I could put all that fear in a bottle and bury it in the earth and never have it again. Give me the strength to fix all the wrongs done by me in my past and never allow me to do the same things again in my life time…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Looking at myself…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Poetry, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 4, 2013 by dankline2000

man-out-of-body-small

Looking over my body…..

I stand looking over my own body, I feel no fear I know no remorse, finally a sense of peace. It is not as bad as I thought, I am relieved I haven’t made much of a mess, there was not a whole lot of blood, I figured there would be more, I guess not. There are others here some I know others in uniform I don’t, they don’t matter now, none of them matter anymore. I am free now, free from all the things that held me in this life. I know no more pain, fear and anger. I feel peace, I know peace, I am at peace. No more tears for me, I don’t deserve them…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline