Archive for the Guilt Category

Hi…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 2, 2019 by dankline2000

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

Rambling Games…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Uncategorized on June 4, 2018 by dankline2000

You know you have to wonder just how much the mind can take, I mean really the torture that we or should I say I have put my mind thru is just simply staggering it really is. The thoughts, the constant infighting in my own damned mind even. Once again I am writing from the cuff, just seeing where my thoughts go, so hold on and enjoy the ride. I get it I really do but if the thought process I have been creating is by any means real or even suggested its real then I am totally screwed, so here it is.

 

 

I wonder about the damage that has been caused to my body, mind and nervous system from prolonged Xanax use. I had thought that I could take the medication and not overuse it or underuse it, I was so fucking wrong, so very wrong that I think, no I know that I have hurt myself worse from not taking it. I went to my Doctor and I told him that I was addicted to Xanax and that I wanted to get off it and well he understands. But does he really understand that 24 hours after taking my last dose in the bottle that I start going through withdrawals? Does he understand that Xanax however useful it is, is addictive? I am not sure that he does, because if he did he would……. I mean fuck me I am not sure what I mean, I can’t fucking make sense of anything right now because I feel like shit. I am sweating, I am cold, I don’t sleep right, I don’t eat right. Fuck I just can’t seem to do anything right now that is right. They said it was not habit forming, but what about habit forming for the mind? That small place in my head that tells me that this is the only way to get my mind to shut down. There it is, opioids are habit forming especially when you have been on the short-term drug for so many years that I cant remember when I started taking it. It isn’t too bad for going cold turkey again and again and again. That is where I am at right now. I have failed myself because I know I cannot take the damned shit, I have failed in my life, my work, my family and all of the other things I have failed at in my life. But let me explain why I was taking it, for anxiety, for sleep, to keep me calm. But in the end the damned drug just made me not care while I was on it, nothing really mattered or it could be put off for another time. I don’t pay my bills, I don’t eat, I do sleep as a matter of fact it is easier to just suck down 3 or 4 Xanax and sleep my life away instead of facing the reality I have created for myself. So know what? Well I know I can not take it anymore. So do I get that refill or do I just continue on with the cold turkey bullshit? It has been over a week since my last dose. I am now on Buspar to help with the anxiety but you know what? It barely works….

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan

And the truth is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Uncategorized with tags on March 23, 2018 by dankline2000

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I find some things interesting about myself, yes I am being introspective. What a lark, right? Well, one of the things I found interesting is the fact that I can take something bad that either I have done or let’s say abusive towards myself and just irrationally explain it away. Take cutting, for example, we all know that it is not exactly healthy for anyone to be doing due to the fact that it really does not give one a sense of self-control. But I have done it and still do it. The fucked up part is that no matter how many times I have cut myself, or how deep or even where I cut myself I cannot feel the pain. I see the cut, I see the blood but I feel nothing. My skin or pain receptors do not really register the pain. So I asked myself if I keep doing this one of two things are going to happen; A – I am going to cut myself deep enough that I am really going to hurt myself, or B – I am going to end up cutting myself so many times in so many different places that again I am going to hurt myself to the point I will, well we won’t go there. Suffice it to say that I have quit cutting it doesn’t give me a sense of control, it doesn’t feed my selfish nature and it’s just plain fucked up when I have to hide the scars so I don’t have to explain them away and lie to others about what I have been doing, I mean for fucks sake I have enough scars from my years in the military that are easily explained but what about those perfect straight line cuts on my forearms, what about those perfect cuts on my left hand between my thumb and wrist that look like a cross hatch pattern. To be noted I will be getting a tattoo to cover those up because in my professional life I get quite a few stares that always seem to say I know what you have been doing. Paranoid? Yes, I am because it is no one’s business.

I just had to look…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Guilt, Loss, Questions, Uncategorized with tags on March 7, 2018 by dankline2000

Wow it has been so long since I have posted on my blog or even looked at it. It amazes me as I peruse the many things I have written over the years all the anger, the sadness, the confusion, not one thing that really strikes me as being positive. Then it hits me, why did I stop writing, why did I stop communicating in a form that has served me so well, so often? The answer is I don’t know. I ask myself am I really any different than I was then? I would like to think that I am but you see I really haven’t done anything different with my life I still do all those things that I did back then, except I locked myself away from the world. I still spend all of my time away from people unless I actually have to be in contact with them. I am still as angry now as I was then, but somehow it seems different so I guess that is a good change. I still deal with my others but its seems more like we live in comfortable silence with each other, perhaps because I have been isolating all this time. I have to say even when I am around other people I am always isolated, wrapped in my own little cocoon of an emotionless void. I guess in some ways I have changed you see, but in others I am still the very same person that started this blog not understanding what was wrong, why I was like this and how do I live with all of this? I have lived with all of this but still along the way I have lost and I am still losing not only myself but physical things, people I love, things I have owned. I have not felt much of anything for this whole period of time I go day by day just wanting to get this day over with so the next one can begin. Not much change as the days have gone by, what am I looking for? What kind of miracle is it that I am seeking only to really never look for said miracle? God I still ramble just like before, on that I have to smile I never could keep my thoughts from just pouring out while I write, my curse I guess. I want to write on here, I need to write on here. Even if it is the only meaningful interaction I have with other people.

Still, what to use as a Title…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, Love, PTSD, Questions, Respect, Uncategorized on April 18, 2017 by dankline2000

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

THE POINT IS?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Guilt, Questions, Uncategorized on April 6, 2017 by dankline2000

I have no friends, yet have no enemies either.

I have a job, yet never make enough to fully support myself.

I have a car, yet I have nowhere to go.

I have questions, yet receive no answers.

I pray to God, yet no path unfolds.

Is this the life for me? Do I stay at my job and feel as if I live on half ration for the rest of my life? Do I find a destination to drive my car to? Do I go in search of the answers I seek? Or do I wait and see if God has a path for me? All questions, yet unanswered. I was told I would be given the means to support myself 60 hours a pay period even if I had to file paperwork, I was told I could make as much as I wanted a salary, a percentage even, yet when I answered and said what I needed there was never a reply only silence. As for friends, they come and go with life like a breeze in the forest, there when you truly need them and just a whisper when you don’t. As for a place to drive I cannot go, you see the faith I put into my job is what keeps me inside the 10’-0”X12’-0” room I stay in. Never to go and see what wonders there are to be seen. Still no answers to the questions I seek, and yet not a path lay before me except to work my job, go to my meager room, to read, to watch movies and do nothing else. You see there are those who understand then there are those who think they understand, and then there are those who pretend only to get you to keep moving in the direction they want you to move.

In regards to a question…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Questions, Uncategorized on January 30, 2017 by dankline2000

Marieolivia (a reader of one of my posts Yes I do this….)

3 daysletsgetstartedbaby.wordpress.com

To me this sounds like not taking responsibility for your own life. So if no one else cares about you (or so you say) why don’t YOU care? Why don’t YOU give a shit about yourself? You also write that nothing changes, and nothing gets better, isn’t this a perfect example that cutting doesn’t help you either. It gives relief, and we need relief. We crave it desperately, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that cutting takes your problems away.

You asked your reader (in this instance me) where this leaves you. This leaves you with one hell of a job to get out of the funk. But you’re the only one that can do it. And it will never change before you decide that it will. I believe that you can change your life.

 

Thank you first of all for being so forthright and bluntly honest, I truly do appreciate this.

The questions you’re asking me about my post are not very easy to answer but then they just might be simpler than I think. No, I don’t take responsibility for my own life not anymore, reasons are not easy for me to explain but in the end, the truth is I just don’t. I have fucked it up beyond all recognition. No, I don’t give 2 shits about myself, but have you heard the saying that those who can’t do, teach? Guess you could say the same about myself, if I truly didn’t give 2 shits about myself shouldn’t I have done something about by now instead of bitch and complain? I tried; I tried really hard but just couldn’t do it. Change, now change is a scary subject for me. The issue is I have tried to change only to end up right back where I started. You know what this is the same old drivel and dumbass shite that I have been writing about since I started this blog.

So I will take your advice MarieOlivia, where does this leave me?