Archive for the Guilt Category

Yes, I do this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD with tags on January 27, 2017 by dankline2000

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I cut…………………

Don’t ask why because if you don’t know about it then you don’t know the release that it brings. To me, it works better than meds. Mostly my left hand right above the thumb, it has been cut on so many times it has no feelings. Why do I do it is the question many people will ask, the whys and what for. I will tell you this I get to the point where nothing else works, not pills, booze, sleep, nothing else works so I cut, and no it doesn’t hurt it does release the endorphins that settle me down. I am not even sure why I am admitting this now of all times, oh yes I do this is perhaps the most stressful point in my life. Literally, I have lost everything. No, I don’t want to kill myself but I do want this time period of my life to move on, think Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray. It seems that every day is the same nothing I do differently seems to matter. I try and try and yet to what end, I still have the stressors, I still have the same fucking thoughts, I stand in absolute silence staring out into the world and seeing nothing but shit, fuck this, I hate it. I have said at least once a day my entire adult life, no one listens to me, no gives a fuck about me and never will. So my dear reader where the fuck does that leave me? I will let you answer that for yourself.

With much gratitude,

Dan Kline

So what, do you have an answer?????

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD on September 5, 2016 by dankline2000

There is no winning or losing, you either want to wake up in the morning or you don’t, and if you can’t find a way to live with yourself well then why run away from it. Why because I don’t want to die, I want to live, not survive but live. But if you can’t find a way to do that, then you’re fucked. This, this right here, right now in this instance, this very fucking second in my life is not living; fuck it this isn’t even existing. So fuck it I’m done running because I’m having one fucking hell of a time living with myself. All my reasons are gone, my son doesn’t want anything to do with me and no one and not even my son will tell me what the fuck I did. I have gone through so many scenarios of what if’s with that, that I can’t even tell you what fucking day of the god damn week it is. I can’t pay my way in this fucking messed up self-centered world because my work just tells me it’s coming this is just the calm before the storm, I got no fucking food in my house to eat you stupid fuckers. I can’t even force myself to give two shits about a fucking thing. Fuck work, bills, family, friends, and this fucking world in general. I’m fucking sick of the struggle, don’t you see that? I’m fucking sick of worrying about the day to day mundane fucking bullshit like bills, food, work, relationships (ya it’s so fucked up I had to say it twice), all of it is so fucking tiring that I don’t fucking care anymore. I keep asking for help, it never comes so why, tell me why shouldn’t I just give the fuck up? To think I was a fighter, what a fucking joke. All I am is tired, lost and in need of just one, one thing to see me through, rest….. Honestly in your heart you wanna wake up tomorrow and the next day because that day, that day right there might just be the best fucking day of your life, probably just stick around and see, but in this case you might just want to have faith. It’s just too fucking bad I have been proven wrong on this account too many times.

Fuck it all,

Dan Kline

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Still the Anger…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2014 by dankline2000

Burn_with_Anger_by_McSlitherI do believe that I heard you right this morning when you wondered out loud why God had put me in your life, to what purpose? Was it to be mean and hateful? Was it to hurt with my words? No, lets think of it in a different way, perhaps God put you into my life for a reason. I can name many reasons but this one comes to the fore front of my mind. God put you in my life to teach me patience, tolerance and to be kind again. You have tested me beyond the endurance of my own will and yet you are still there. God did not put me into your life but he put you into mine to show me temperance of will, to look at what my anger was doing to me and to others. I understand what anger is and its consequences, but I am seeing that things and people that are around me are also hurt by my temper and anger. No I don’t think there is one soul on this earth that can understand what I have been through or what I live with daily. But I fear it still, the anger that is, consumes me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, nor am asking for anyone to forget. I am just hoping to find a place in the middle.

Is this memory?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by dankline2000

My mind races, my heart hammers in my chest, sweat glistens upon my brow,

Are these thoughts and emotions real or imaginary?

I see tan colored buildings; sand is everywhere, is it real or is it make believe?

I hear the shouts of commands, the cries of despair, the screams of the wounded on both sides, the roar of the 50 gunner, the pop, pop of an AK-47, the whoosh and thud of an RPG, the sounds of battle that can hardly be described by my clumsy attempts with words.

The bag on the side of the road, the car that is parked at an odd angle just sitting there, will it trip, will it explode, I just don’t know. That person rushing towards me, will he or she stop, will they just run up and, well I don’t think I can finish that if you don’t mind.

This is the life that we live; it is not safe, it is not sound. Am I crazy? NO.

We survived, that’s what we did, and we came home somehow,

Home is not the same, I see fear, horror and pain on every face, on every street corner.

I also see hope, hope in my child’s eyes, in my lovers eyes, in the eyes of a stranger who shakes my hand with eyes full of respect, gratitude and acceptance.

To quote from a poem by Colonel Daniel K. Cadusky, AUS Retired, I was a soldier, and we will never forget, and we are alive.

Staff Sargent William Kline US Army 1998-2012 Honorably Discharged