Archive for the Guilt Category

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Still the Anger…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2014 by dankline2000

Burn_with_Anger_by_McSlitherI do believe that I heard you right this morning when you wondered out loud why God had put me in your life, to what purpose? Was it to be mean and hateful? Was it to hurt with my words? No, lets think of it in a different way, perhaps God put you into my life for a reason. I can name many reasons but this one comes to the fore front of my mind. God put you in my life to teach me patience, tolerance and to be kind again. You have tested me beyond the endurance of my own will and yet you are still there. God did not put me into your life but he put you into mine to show me temperance of will, to look at what my anger was doing to me and to others. I understand what anger is and its consequences, but I am seeing that things and people that are around me are also hurt by my temper and anger. No I don’t think there is one soul on this earth that can understand what I have been through or what I live with daily. But I fear it still, the anger that is, consumes me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, nor am asking for anyone to forget. I am just hoping to find a place in the middle.

Is this memory?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by dankline2000

My mind races, my heart hammers in my chest, sweat glistens upon my brow,

Are these thoughts and emotions real or imaginary?

I see tan colored buildings; sand is everywhere, is it real or is it make believe?

I hear the shouts of commands, the cries of despair, the screams of the wounded on both sides, the roar of the 50 gunner, the pop, pop of an AK-47, the whoosh and thud of an RPG, the sounds of battle that can hardly be described by my clumsy attempts with words.

The bag on the side of the road, the car that is parked at an odd angle just sitting there, will it trip, will it explode, I just don’t know. That person rushing towards me, will he or she stop, will they just run up and, well I don’t think I can finish that if you don’t mind.

This is the life that we live; it is not safe, it is not sound. Am I crazy? NO.

We survived, that’s what we did, and we came home somehow,

Home is not the same, I see fear, horror and pain on every face, on every street corner.

I also see hope, hope in my child’s eyes, in my lovers eyes, in the eyes of a stranger who shakes my hand with eyes full of respect, gratitude and acceptance.

To quote from a poem by Colonel Daniel K. Cadusky, AUS Retired, I was a soldier, and we will never forget, and we are alive.

Staff Sargent William Kline US Army 1998-2012 Honorably Discharged

Any Suggestions…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 16, 2013 by dankline2000

Chaos Symbol

Chaos Symbol

Somehow it seems as though I cannot escape the inevitability that I am not like everyone else, I am different, I am not your average person, and I am different. I no longer think the same as I used to, I no longer react to situations that in the past I have been able to handle. The difference is just this, my mind; my mental issues have changed me to the point that I am not sure how to handle everyday situations. I am trying to return to work, and actually have but it is completely different, and to be sure it is not just me. Even the company that I worked with for 13 years has changed, only two people are the same, the owner and one other that I worked with side by side for many years. This is the place I have always called home but the feelings, the stress; the confusion of what we are doing now is great. It has changed into a design build firm and is no longer just a design firm. You see the problem is this, while I am a project manager for the design side I am also a construction manager, with jobs that need to be done but I have to say that I am actually doing the construction, not managing the projects. This is not new to me I have been doing this for many years, so you ask what is the problem? It is this, it is chaos total and undeniable chaos, I have walked into several projects that have been started by others and well they are not right and it has fallen on my shoulders to get them correct, shoddy construction has all but destroyed one woman’s house, poor time management has pushed another so far out that we are losing money on it. And still yet we have people that are not following the scope of work laid out before them and are apparently doing whatever they want, I feel as if the whole thing is about to explode and all I want to do is help get things back on an even keel, I know I can do this if I can just sit and figure it out. We job hop, by that I mean that instead of concentrating on the scope of work for one project we are jumping from project to project trying to get things done, concentration is lost, moral is lost and the general feeling of not accomplishing a damn thing prevails upon us all. I have loved this company and the man who owns it and feel as if I am becoming a detriment and not a help. I want to concentrate on one thing and get it done but the nature of the beast is thus, we have micro deadlines, certain milestones have to be met in order to get paid. Yes this is unusual, no it is not the way I would normally do things but it has to be this way in order for the company to move forward and prosper. If I said that as a construction manager it is my responsibility to move these things along I would be correct. If I also said that although I can do the construction work it is better to get dedicated sub-contractors to do the actual work, well it isn’t going to happen. It seems that my beloved company has, well developed a certain reputation for not paying the subs, but if I told you that it was government work and that we were working with very small sub-contractors it would be the truth. We get paid a certain way, and the subs get paid as we get paid and in that…… you know what let me get to the heart of the problem, I have been trying to get this older woman’s house fixed, it is a short list but because of the original framing contractor doing shoddy work it has caused many more problems with the house.

I wish that I could but fix what I see,

I wish that I could just take the stress and confusion and leave it out where it needs to be,

I wish that I could be what it is exactly what they need,

I know in my heart that I can do this; I know in my mind that if I continue the way I am that a mental breakdown is inevitable. I know I can do this, I know I can stop the chaos. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to get the communication flowing from one person to another.

I know that this is not rocket science, it is easy. You see the problem you come up with a game plan and you implement the game plan, if we can get this mind set than I think that we can move forward with much better productivity.

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS I JUST NEED TO GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT LOOK AT THE PROBLEMS ONE AT A TIME AND GET THE COMMUNICATION FLOWING, THE KEY IS COMMUNICATION AND COOPERATION.

Do I really see…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 28, 2013 by dankline2000

It seems that my mind, so preoccupied all the time doesn’t see or understand what my eyes and heart are telling. It seems I only listen with one ear, never to the words that are said nor the meaning behind them. I hear, I see, but I don’t think, my mind as always is on one thing. But never the same thing twice. This does not make sense, this I understand, but how do I control my thoughts, how do I focus upon the things I see and hear, just one thing at a time, I must listen, look and hear to fully understand. I grow confused at this, I get agitated at this. It seems that the whole world is telling me something but I cannot seem to grasp what it is the universe is telling me. Am I to go forward in ignorance, not comprehending? I don’t know for I cannot get my mind to slow enough to listen as I once was able to. I do not seem to be able to express with words how it is, and what it is like for me. I don’t know what to do, plain and simple.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Would you understand?????

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 22, 2013 by dankline2000

47_ronin_ttileHow is it that a man can only be one man and yet be many men at one time? How is it that a man can walk fully in the sunlight yet only live in the shadows? Am I this man of many men? Am I able to walk fully in the sunshine yet only live in the shadows?

I do, I do all of these things and more, I have more than one mind, I have more than one person living in my head and yet I am fully aware of all things that go on around me, inside of me and in the shadows that surround me. I am passionate, I am strong, and I am intelligent. But I am also weak, uncontrolled and misguided.

I have no one master, meaning I am not the master of myself, in this regards I am a Ronin a man with no master, destined to be alone, to be directionless, to be unguided for the rest of my life. Does this make me sad? No because it is a future, a decision I have made for myself.

I cannot be anything to anyone because I cannot be anything for my own self. If I have confused you then all you have to do is look in my eyes, you will see the truth there, you will also see the absence of life, love and happiness. You will see confusion, anger, fear and hatred. I will never be one to look upon another and see what others do, I only see what you want, what you need, what I can do for you. Make no mistake, for I will never have a master, nor be my own master.

You see emotions control men, not the other way around. It is emotions that get in the way of everything and nothing. In the end you only have yourself, you can never rely on others to do for you, and you must do for yourself.

Understand?????

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 20, 2013 by dankline2000

It takes the mind of a man so confused to understand that things never, ever will go the way he thinks. It seems to fail that when you think that you are doing the one thing you want to do it never is the one thing that is right. Always something so simple, so insignificant to you is the rest of the world’s destruction. It never matters what you want even if it is so simple that to you it is just that, simple. You can hope for it, pray for it, desire it so much, but in the end you are wrong it is never what it ever will be, because I don’t think that anyone but one’s self understands. I have been told so many times I will, I will, but yet it never happens. Then when it gets to the point of complete and utter frustration that you can no longer stand it, you are wrong, you are asking for too much, you don’t understand. Just one thing, that too me is simple I wanted to see you, not for a week, a day or even an hour, all I wanted is just a glimpse. But it neither was nor will ever to be, the reasons escaped me and still yet do. To you I always asked, to me I hardly asked.

Words have failed me to explain to you, to make you understand and now I never will. You keep yourself in such an unpredictable state of constant flux that I cannot keep up with you. Now I have destroyed the only thing I ever loved, because in the end I will never tell you that your words were not right, I will always bow to your wants, needs and desires. I will live in sorry and loss, but I will move on whether I want to or not because I cannot bear to feel as if I have caused you such great pain, for what seems such a simple thing, please remind me that I do not understand.

Well…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 7, 2013 by dankline2000

If you think it is, it isn’t,

If you want it, it won’t happen,

Try as you might to tell it to someone else, they don’t listen,

It isn’t as if it is impossible, or is it?

You never know until it is too late.

By then you know it won’t happen, it will never happen and there aint one damn thing you can do about it.

Once upon a time…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 20, 2013 by dankline2000

Self Harm and Suicide

Self Harm and Suicide

I will tell you something of myself, I may have already told you but not the reasons why. This will probably not go over well and may scare you in some way but I am going to tell you anyway, and I will not be holding anything back. I am willing to accept whatever happens.

In 2011 I tried, apparently unsuccessfully to kill myself. I was feeling of no worth, I was deeply depressed and so full of anger at myself and my lack of not being in control of me, my emotions, not being able to support my family. I was having constant flashbacks of horrible things not only from my recent past but from things that were done to me as a child. PTSD has an uncanny way of bringing forth not only recent fears but fears from years ago. I slept all the time or I didn’t sleep for days. I felt worthless, not needed, unloved and scared all the time. I would wake and hear things that were not there, I would stalk the house as if clearing a building hearing something that wasn’t actually there it was all in my mind. I had serious self doubts, about whether I should still be alive, or that I deserved to be alive. I could do nothing I was just a breathing meat sack that felt worthless. It continued like this for quite some time, how long I don’t know. My body was fully healed but my mind hadn’t even begun to deal with recent years let alone the past. This went on day to day going from huddling in fear to raging at everyone, even raging at myself, out loud. Then the thoughts came, you don’t deserve to live, what do you have to live for, hell even the thought that Dylan could live without me was there. The thought of taking my own life ate at me daily; I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I would sit there holding the knife against my wrist lost to the outside world, never hearing the pleading voices around me. I have had this knife I was holding in my hand for several years I knew it was very sharp and would part both skin and tendons with ease. I knew it would hurt but I knew that at this point in time I hurt more for me to be alive. Voices in my head telling me to do it, voices in my head telling me not to do it. More than one voice, all different all either for it or against it, but the loudest and strongest was for it. I know now I sat there for hours holding that knife at my wrist. But wait I say to myself, you are a combat lifesaver trained soldier you know if you cut at the wrist it will bleed but it will take around 15 minutes for you to lose enough blood to pass out and then never come to again, also even though the knife is sharp you have used a knife on others in self defense you know what kind of exertion it takes to cut deep enough to sever both veins and tendons, then your hand will become useless and you will not be able to cut the other wrist. You know a better way that will have less resistance and will bleed faster and you will not leave yourself unable to cut the other arm. Well this is how I do it place the knife about 2 inches below the elbow with the blade towards my wrist push hard and pull down the arm, making the cut as deep as I can severing the larger veins and arteries as I pull the blade towards my wrist. I can see my hand moving the knife to exactly the right spot I feel the pressure of the blade pushing into my skin. The voices yelling at me in my head, but still one rises above the others, do it now just push and pull then the other arm, by the time they find you, well you will not be here. Where will I be? I don’t know says the voice but anywhere is better than here with all these thoughts and images of being hurt, abused, touched sexually, blown up, shot and shot at, better than laying here useless to everyone including yourself, your body and mind reliving events that should have never happened, should have never had to be hurt so badly by one who should have protected you. He broke your bones, burnt you, hit you, threw you, screamed, yelled and told you what a piece of shit you are. Battle we understand, we understand that you are supposed to be doing a job, but why? Why watch as the bullet travels into a man, a woman and plows through them to embed itself in the wall behind. Why feel the sting, then the searing pain as you look down at your knee and see a tiny hole in the side of your knee pad and the spread of blue red blood pouring down into your boot. Why see the flash, the unimaginable tearing sound of metal followed by the sound of thunder, the unbearable pressure build up inside your truck as the pieces of it fly around you one almost severing your leg at the hip. But we knew, we understood that this is what we were supposed to do. So stop it, stop it all by just pulling on the knife. Enough I scream to no one because no one was listening, no one cared or so I thought, I pushed the knife as hard as I could, it never pierced my skin, I pushed the knife so hard it went between the bones in my forearm it never broke the skin. Crying I sat there with the knife pressed so hard against my skin that it felt like it was touching my leg. I hear a voice different this time, not coming from inside but from the world around me, it was a woman dressed in what I first thought was military dress, but it wasn’t it was a police officer and she looked at me and said stop this is not your time, no matter how hard you push that knife is not going to cut you, please give it to me. I pulled the knife away from my arm only to see that where it had touched was a single drop of blood, and the beginning of a bruise. I collapsed into a ball crying so hard that I could not breathe, and she held me, she understood me and held me till the paramedics arrived. She whispered it is not your time Daniel. I turned and looked at her; it was not her I saw I know now it was someone else, who I don’t know but she was blinding me with care, feeling, almost love. This was and will always be the single most vivid memory I have or will ever have. I was safe for once in my life. Only one person in this life has called me Daniel, she is dead and she was the only other person I ever felt safe with, my Grandmama.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline