Archive for the Loss Category

Is this memory?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by dankline2000

My mind races, my heart hammers in my chest, sweat glistens upon my brow,

Are these thoughts and emotions real or imaginary?

I see tan colored buildings; sand is everywhere, is it real or is it make believe?

I hear the shouts of commands, the cries of despair, the screams of the wounded on both sides, the roar of the 50 gunner, the pop, pop of an AK-47, the whoosh and thud of an RPG, the sounds of battle that can hardly be described by my clumsy attempts with words.

The bag on the side of the road, the car that is parked at an odd angle just sitting there, will it trip, will it explode, I just don’t know. That person rushing towards me, will he or she stop, will they just run up and, well I don’t think I can finish that if you don’t mind.

This is the life that we live; it is not safe, it is not sound. Am I crazy? NO.

We survived, that’s what we did, and we came home somehow,

Home is not the same, I see fear, horror and pain on every face, on every street corner.

I also see hope, hope in my child’s eyes, in my lovers eyes, in the eyes of a stranger who shakes my hand with eyes full of respect, gratitude and acceptance.

To quote from a poem by Colonel Daniel K. Cadusky, AUS Retired, I was a soldier, and we will never forget, and we are alive.

Staff Sargent William Kline US Army 1998-2012 Honorably Discharged

Weary…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Loss, PTSD, Questions, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 9, 2013 by dankline2000

imagesI grow weary of things left unsaid, of thoughts not finished, of words that need spoken. I grow weary of wandering thoughts and feelings of unsatisfactory conclusions. I see in all things not only the truth but of half lies only told to be heard. I feel in all things no hope but only of promises half remembered. Often said things of grace and love pass through unheard, unfelt and never learned. To have, to hold, to yearn, to love but never to be done. The world itself shatters with the barest whispers heard, words unspoken collapse upon each other with no meaning. Is there no hope left, is there no tomorrow’s, there is only now, only today, there is no future.

Never ending…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2013 by dankline2000

broken-heart-by-lucaszoltowskiI love you, not just parts of you but all of you. I need you like the ground needs rain. I don’t want pieces of time I want all of the time. I want to fall asleep in your arms, to wake with you snuggled in my embrace. I want to wake in the middle of the night to hear you breathe. I want to kiss your lips, inhale the heady scent of you, to run my fingers across the outlines of your face, to trace small circles upon your back as we lay together in companionable silence just looking into each other’s eyes. i want to see the crinkle in your nose as you smile.

You take away my fears, my pain all of the things that scare me and replace them with hope, love and joy. I can only tell you these things that are the truth and hope that someday you will realize that I can never stop loving you. I have let you once again slip through my fingers, indecision begets regrets. Can you not feel me? Can you not hear the loss in my words? Can you not be with me? Always and forever you are my one and only, never to be mine completely. Something, someone always stands between us and it is slowly killing me. You spoke the words I have waited to hear for oh so very long, yet you still cannot be with me.

I don’t regret my love for you, I don’t regret any of the things I have said and done. There are things that even I cannot compete with. Remember I am but a man, scared, hurt, lonely and lost. With your touch, the very look from your beautiful eyes takes all that away. You mean so much to me; you have taken all those things away and made me a stronger man than I was. I would do the same if only you would let me, I would be your strength, and I would be your courage. But for one chance would I make you happy, but for reasons I cannot seem to understand you still will not be mine.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

The secret…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 21, 2013 by dankline2000

secretI am the secret in your life, never to be mentioned, never to be seen in the light of day, unknown to others I sit and wait for you like a lost puppy. I don’t want to be a secret anymore; I want to walk beside you in the presence of others, to be known, to be seen, to be with you in every way.

the beginning of a story that needs to be told…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 21, 2013 by dankline2000

Although I have started this story perhaps thousands of times I have never actually finished it, it is a story about me, about how I became the person that I am today. It is about fear, anger, loss, regrets, choices made and choices not made. I don’t expect you to fully understand any of this at all but perhaps it will give you more of an understanding of how I actually ended up sitting here today trying to justify my own life.

I am going to do my best to explain my childhood to you in terms that will not frighten you or make you think I have lost my mind entirely, understand that parts of it will sound much like a real story, and other parts will be much like a horror story. I really have to explain that I actually don’t remember all that much of my actual childhood just fragments, bits and pieces if you will. It will probably not follow any kind of timeline and will wander around as much as my own mind does, so please bear with me.

This is what I remember of my childhood. I remember fear and hate and anger, I don’t remember things like having any fun, I do remember one time we were moving from one base to another and we were driving across country and I remember we had stopped at a rest stop and dad fixed fired squash, zucchini and onions for the very first time on a Coleman stove. I remember one Christmas in Puerto Rico that was the one and only good Christmas we had ever had with my dad. I do remember snorkeling in Coba Rojo Bay. To be honest those are really the only good times I do remember having with my dad. I want to tell you all of the bad things that I remember about him but I am not sure that is a good idea, those things I remember are scary even for me to think about. One I know for sure is this I didn’t know love from my father, I don’t really know that he actually ever told me that at all. I have always had to wonder whether he loved me as his son or not. The one thing I promised myself when I was younger laying in the dark trying to hold myself together after I got my ass beat, or laying in the hospital with broken bones or burns across my body was that I would tell my children if I had any that I loved them, they would always hear those words from me, hope that clears up why I am always telling you that and I will never stop telling you that I love you, son. This man did unspeakable things to me and my brothers and my mother, he would beat us, play psychological games on us, and he would force us to labor physically until we were spent with exhaustion. I was so small and he was so big what could I do, if anyone ever found out it would only get worse, who was I to tell. No one would listen, just as it seems no one is listening to me now. I can remember actually dreading him coming home at night because you never knew what was going to happen, to live your entire childhood in fear that whatever you did was never going to be good enough, you could never get your chores done fast enough, you could never get the right amount of coffee in the cup, knowing this would get you backhanded across the room or punched or kicked. How was I to know that I ever did anything right? He played head games with us I know you know about the one where he would go for days and not do anything to us and then when you did the least little thing wrong he would explode and collapse your entire world around you. I remember I was running through the house one day and slipped and went crashing through the sliding glass door and cut myself really bad, he beat my ass for breaking the glass took me to the base hospital and they stitched me up then when we got home he beat my ass again for taking time away from his day. I can remember my brothers taking up for me and taking the beatings that were meant for me. I can remember having to watch as they were beaten for their punishment, they also had their turn watching me, but I was so small and what was I supposed to do? You know I never told anyone about what happened to me as a child until I met your mother and really I only scratched the surface with her, she doesn’t know it all, there are some things I will never talk about with anyone, I actually tried with your mother but by then it was too late she didn’t really seem to care anymore. It is ok that she doesn’t care about me anymore, but that is for later on in the story not right now. As I got older the more severe the beating could be because I could handle more than when I was younger, but again what was I supposed to do. We left him, we left him a lot but we always went back, I am not sure why we always went back only your grandmother can answer that and now we will never know. I always wanted the sitcom TV family; mom, dad, and the brothers where ya things went wrong but no one got hurt and everyone loved each other and knew it. I always wanted a family, and I got one for awhile and I still do have a family it is you now. But understand that the things I have done in my life have one common denominator, fear. I ran away because of fear, I got angry because of fear. I left you and your mom because of fear, all because I couldn’t escape my own mind, the thoughts of my world coming crashing down all around me, I was afraid it would happen so I made it happen before it could happen to me, I don’t know if you understand that or not, but because of all the things that happened to me as a child grew up with me in to an adult and they grew bigger with me. I am going to stop for now because I am not feeling very well; I love you with my life son.

Dan Kline

Some old things, some new things and a wish for all of you…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 25, 2013 by dankline2000

I do know that among the other things I am dealing with today that this is a bit stupid, I was cleaning out the bag I use to carry my things in when we go out to plow snow I came across a letter that I wrote to Gerri while in the hospital, it was written with a green marker of all things, you take what you can while in there and do the best that you can, now why am I putting it out here well because, well I don’t really know. I do understand that it makes no difference in the way she feels but I am going to do it anyway.

Funny I am writing this with a green marker in the hospital, I will put this on my blog later. When I called you earlier and asked if you loved me you said I will always love you, not I love you; you put it in the past tense. So I wanted to tell you where I failed to keep our love alive to survive. I failed you by not saying it; I failed you by not showing it. I had stopped doing all those little things that made you know I loved you. I stopped kissing you; these are just some of the ways I failed in our love. I am not asking that you take me back, and if you feel that what we had cannot be saved then divorce me. But I also remembered some of the things I do love about you, your smile. I mean when you really smile and your eyes light up. The way your hair only goes grey in the middle of the part in your hair. The sound of you laughing, watching you put on your make up, the smell of the face powder you are forever out of, the turban look when you step out of the bath body still wet and hair wrapped in a towel to dry. The way the bath towel plays peek-a-boo with your butt, lol. This is mine to say about you, I am asking nothing in return from this, I just thought you should know where I failed you.

This was at the last stopping point in my journey with the hospital system. I have not been back since and to me that is a great accomplishment in and of itself. I am no longer that person anymore, now I am not saying that I will never need the hospital again, hell sometimes it is safer in there than out here, in there they all understand and are all in the business of helping me and focusing on me to see me make it out here in the real world. I often wonder if I shouldn’t just check myself in and never leave again, but that means I have failed myself and I am not there at this point in my life.

A part of me left today it was an important part of me and yes I am having a hard time with it, but I lived without that part for a long time, can that part of me live without me? Well it is a part of me and even if it has its own mind it will eventually come back to us, I should say us because we are a whole, separate but the same. It took me well over two hours and a call to my therapist to get my system under control all of them were screaming and running around literally in my head looking for the little boy with the big blue eyes, Serena, Khayleth and even Anger were in turmoil, they don’t understand why he left or is hiding, none of us even had a clue as to why he went an hid, we did check pretty far into the recesses of my mind behind a lot of doors but as we got further in the fear came so we went back to the places we felt safe again. We talked and talked again, boy if I didn’t know me this would sound like an insane man but I am not insane just fractured, with the help of Brenda or therapist we all calmed down and realized that the little boy will eventually return, in the mean time we needed to be calm and understanding of each other, I think when he sees that we are calm and miss him he will return. I think his first time allowing himself to be heard scared him. It scared me too, but if we are all not heard in some way, if we don’t tell the things that make us afraid then we internalize them and that causes all the things that made us the way we are right now. We are all that small frightened little boy looking for someone to hold us, to tell us that we are loved, to have someone tell us we will be alright, that the monsters in our life will not harm us. This is my wish to all of you, that you have someone to do all those things that make you feel safe and loved, this is what I wish for you.

With much love and gratitude,

Daniel Kline