Archive for the ME Category

Hi…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 2, 2019 by dankline2000

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

CBT Oil more answers than questions?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized on April 11, 2018 by dankline2000

Ya, so that title is backward on purpose, just as I was finishing writing the last blog I found this.

 

HOLY SHIT BATMAN, THE JOKES ON ME,

I am not even going to try to copy paste this or rewrite it so here is the link.

 

https://www.solcbd.com/blogs/news/doing-it-wrong-how-to-dose-cbd-oil-for-anxiety

So CBT Oil….. Pro’s / Con’s?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized on April 11, 2018 by dankline2000

So I have decided to try something different for a change and I am doing this on a trial basis, I have been taking CBT (hemp oil) 1000mg in 33mg doses for the last 3 days. On the first day of taking it, I found that I did feel different, calmer, more or should I say less anxious, angry, and even less fearful. But I am going to put that down as the placebo effect if you think it works then it actually will. That night I only took 3mg of Xanax to fall asleep. I won’t even get started on the fucking fact that a six-week therapy drug has been in my system for over ten fucking years, fucking with my nervous system, shakes or tremors, serious mood swings, but I digress this is not that blog, YET!

Ok so day two went well still had the same feeling as day one but I did notice something else, I was engaging others which as you well know I don’t do very well. Actually, I should say I did when I was younger but that was then and things have been extremely different the last 20 years or so. But I was actually engaging in conversation and, wait for it, just wait for it…… cracking fucking jokes, believe it or not, my friends I have a great sense of humor and my off the cuff jokes and pretty damn good. Is this CBT oil working? Not going to render judgment just yet. That night still took 3mg of Xanax to get to sleep.

And now day three, I actually slept the whole night but awoke in somewhat of a grouchy mood, didn’t want to get out of bed and actually ran through some thoughts in my head about how to get out of work today. But I am at work, speaking of which on day two I was more focused and on task than I have been in a while. Still not rendering a judgment. I do know that the starter dose will not work for a full 24 hours so I asked and was told that for different afflictions (yes I said that) that different doses were used. That the 33mg was just the suggested starter dose. And here is what I found out from Medical News Today Online and dated December 2017, just saying.

Chronic pain: Take between 2.5 and 20 milligrams (mg) by mouth for no more than 25 days.

Epilepsy: Consume between 200 and 300 mg of CBD by mouth daily for up to 4.5 months.

Movement problems associated with Huntington’s disease: Taking 10 mg every day for six weeks can help ease movements.

Sleep disorders: Take between 40 and 160 mg.

Schizophrenia: Consume between 40 and 1,280 mg CBD by mouth daily for up to 4 weeks.

Glaucoma: One dose of between 20 and 40 mg applied under the tongue can help to relieve pressure in the eye. However, caution is advised – doses greater than 40 mg might actually increase pressure.

Patients with chronic anxiety are often advised to avoid cannabis, as THC can trigger or amplify anxiety and paranoia in some people.

However, a review from Neurotherapeutics suggests that CBD may help to reduce the anxiety felt by people with certain anxiety disorders.

 

The researchers point to studies showing that CBD may reduce anxiety behaviors in disorders such as:

 

Post-traumatic stress disorder

General anxiety disorder

Panic disorder

Social anxiety disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

The review notes that current medications for these disorders can lead to additional symptoms and side effects and that people may stop taking the drugs because of these unwanted effects.

CBD has not shown any adverse effects in these cases to date, and the researchers call for CBD to be studied as a potential treatment method. But people please note that they have no suggested dosage for this and as far as my research has shown they don’t it is as needed on a case by case account.

So now on day three I have taken 33mg this morning and plan to take another 15mg about 5pm and see the effects and then if needed another 15mg at bedtime. If anyone knows more than what I am sharing or has any thoughts at all please share them because it sucks having Xanax poisoning and the fact that they put me on Wellbutrin to help me decrease and stop taking the Xanax is not working. And no I have not told my Doctor and yes I have stopped taking the Wellbutrin but that was because it was making me angrier like it did the last time I took it and yes I stopped taking it about two weeks before trying the oil.

In regards to a question…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Questions, Uncategorized on January 30, 2017 by dankline2000

Marieolivia (a reader of one of my posts Yes I do this….)

3 daysletsgetstartedbaby.wordpress.com

To me this sounds like not taking responsibility for your own life. So if no one else cares about you (or so you say) why don’t YOU care? Why don’t YOU give a shit about yourself? You also write that nothing changes, and nothing gets better, isn’t this a perfect example that cutting doesn’t help you either. It gives relief, and we need relief. We crave it desperately, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that cutting takes your problems away.

You asked your reader (in this instance me) where this leaves you. This leaves you with one hell of a job to get out of the funk. But you’re the only one that can do it. And it will never change before you decide that it will. I believe that you can change your life.

 

Thank you first of all for being so forthright and bluntly honest, I truly do appreciate this.

The questions you’re asking me about my post are not very easy to answer but then they just might be simpler than I think. No, I don’t take responsibility for my own life not anymore, reasons are not easy for me to explain but in the end, the truth is I just don’t. I have fucked it up beyond all recognition. No, I don’t give 2 shits about myself, but have you heard the saying that those who can’t do, teach? Guess you could say the same about myself, if I truly didn’t give 2 shits about myself shouldn’t I have done something about by now instead of bitch and complain? I tried; I tried really hard but just couldn’t do it. Change, now change is a scary subject for me. The issue is I have tried to change only to end up right back where I started. You know what this is the same old drivel and dumbass shite that I have been writing about since I started this blog.

So I will take your advice MarieOlivia, where does this leave me?

Yes, I do this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD with tags on January 27, 2017 by dankline2000

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I cut…………………

Don’t ask why because if you don’t know about it then you don’t know the release that it brings. To me, it works better than meds. Mostly my left hand right above the thumb, it has been cut on so many times it has no feelings. Why do I do it is the question many people will ask, the whys and what for. I will tell you this I get to the point where nothing else works, not pills, booze, sleep, nothing else works so I cut, and no it doesn’t hurt it does release the endorphins that settle me down. I am not even sure why I am admitting this now of all times, oh yes I do this is perhaps the most stressful point in my life. Literally, I have lost everything. No, I don’t want to kill myself but I do want this time period of my life to move on, think Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray. It seems that every day is the same nothing I do differently seems to matter. I try and try and yet to what end, I still have the stressors, I still have the same fucking thoughts, I stand in absolute silence staring out into the world and seeing nothing but shit, fuck this, I hate it. I have said at least once a day my entire adult life, no one listens to me, no gives a fuck about me and never will. So my dear reader where the fuck does that leave me? I will let you answer that for yourself.

With much gratitude,

Dan Kline

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

A thought…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2013 by dankline2000

No_Fear_5_-_black__66275.1308767856.1280.1280Fear is only a product of our imagination, we do not fear what is happening but we fear what may happen.

With Much Love and Gratitude,

Dan Kline

The secret…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 21, 2013 by dankline2000

secretI am the secret in your life, never to be mentioned, never to be seen in the light of day, unknown to others I sit and wait for you like a lost puppy. I don’t want to be a secret anymore; I want to walk beside you in the presence of others, to be known, to be seen, to be with you in every way.

I Ride…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, ME, PTSD, Short Stories, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on August 20, 2013 by dankline2000

1167883-bigthumbnailI ride, the wind whipping my hair back from my face, riding so fast and hard that tears stream from my eyes as the wind is forced into them. The horse underneath me exhales like the bellows of a blacksmith’s furnace surging forward like the very storm I am riding into. I see the storm, clouds of dark purple and black clouds hanging low to the earth, light flashes in thick jagged lines across the front as I race towards it. I know what I am doing is almost certain death but I am ready, or as ready as I will ever be. I can feel the temperature of the air the closer I get the colder it gets, wrapping around my body looking for spaces between my armour to get at the flesh beneath, the closer to the storm the very air around me becomes filled with shards of ice, quickly I summon to me the words of protection that will keep most of the cold away, as I say them they are whipped from my mouth by the force of the wind, but still the words have worked and the feeling of coldness leaves my body. I am not warm but I know I will not freeze to death before I reach you. The closer to the storm I get I can see the runes etched into my armor begin to flicker with the comforting pale lavender light that is all that protects me from the ravages of this nightmare I have been living.

Racing towards my love as I have been since you were taken from me almost 3 months ago. I slip back into that fateful night that seems an eternity ago. You and sitting in quite comfortable silence, knowing that the decision for you and I was a hard one, for me to give up my position as Captain of the Queens guard, to live our lives as simply as we could, oh we are not in poverty for with the Queens blessing and her most generous gift we will live the rest of our lives in simple luxury, given the estate and surrounding lands and enough gold to last not only our entire lives but the lives of the children we plan to have.

But that entire dream is shattered in one instant as the doors to the manor come crashing in, in its place stands one man all in blood-red armour, purple and black lightning rolling across the lands behind him, his helm is lowered but he and I are old friends you see, but I thought him dead, saw him dead as my sword was thrust between the plates of his armour at the junction between his underarm and sides. This man this was once me in a former life, a life that seemed so long ago. He always wanted you but you were mine from the very first day we looked into each other’s eyes, gray on blue. He raises one gauntleted hand pointing in my direction and purple and black lightning streak from behind him surging forward to strike me where I am I mid-stride reaching for the sword that is hanging with my shield above the mantle of the large fireplace, I don’t make it I am enveloped in surging electrical shocks, my blood sings with energy, my mind expands with clarity, but I cannot move, not even a twitch of my eye. I watch as you struggle to lift the sword I was going for, the tip scratching the stone floor. He walks towards you pushing the visor of his helm up as he comes to stop in front of me his eyes alight with greed and a cold humorless smile upon his mouth. Never he says never would she be yours, you knew she was destined to be mine yet you dated to take her from me. I can still hear you struggle with my sword, knowing as you come into my field of vision that you cannot raise it to save your own life, mine is yours and I gladly give it to save your own, but I cannot I am held enthralled be the spell cast upon me. As if reading my mind he turns to you, looking at how you struggle with my sword. Laughing he walks towards you, and your eyes are on fire the blue of them shining forth with impotent rage, fear but not for yourself but for me. I see the effort in the muscles of your arms and shoulders as you finally heft the massive sword above your head, it is awkward and cumbersome but you hold it steady and true in the way you have seen me do my daily exercises. The light from your eyes as they flash over his shoulder at me is the last thing I see as he flicks a hand dismissively in my direction and more lightning pours into my body bringing with total blackness, but in truth, I see the blue of your eyes.

My eyes snap open the memories have flooded my mind, as I seem to be floating above myself I see my sword laying there, a scrap of the dress you were wearing laying next to it the smell of sulfur from the lightning, faintly ever so faintly your smell lingers in the air. The fire has died and the morning sun is peeking in through the front of the manor where the doors have been destroyed, slowly I fall back into myself, riding through the slashing rain I see only the blue of your eyes, the courage, rage and love that was there is what has kept me going. I know I near the end of my journey and with it I will set you free from the man who has kept you from me, I know I may die but that doesn’t matter as long as you are safe and he dies before I do, with that thought I urge my steed faster into the growing storm.

I hit the leading edge of the storm as I cross that point of no return, lightning flashes from the sky purple and jagged striking the ground around me raining clods of dirt and rocks down upon me in explosion after explosion buffets me from side to side, I have no choice but to ride forward lightning by its own volition is unpredictable and has a mind of its own, so I do not veer from my course but head straight and true knowing my best chance is to keep moving forward. Riding I see looming in the distance a rather foreboding structure not quite the same as the manor house we lived in but a combination of both house and stone formations as if the manor was raised up upon a rocky outcropping sitting higher than the ground I am riding upon, I see lights in the courtyard and torches upon the path leading up to it, calling to me saying run, run to me and the destiny that awaits you, mocking me, sending shivers of fear and anticipation through me like the bolts of lightning lashing out all around me. The night sky explodes with a brilliant purple light I can feel it, finally, it has hit me, sending great rendering shocks coursing through my body. My armor glows intensely the runes full of protective magic shine brighter the longer the electricity flows into my body, finally, the shocks subside I am now standing on the ground thrown from the smoking corpse of my horse, landing on my feet by only the Gods own grace. I am like a beacon of vengeance shining in the night the runes on my armor lighting the area around me as if walking in a purple sun, I can see the way in front of me, the torches and light calling to me mockingly. I put one foot in front of the other and activate my final runes on the armor to make me silent as I walk on towards my final destination.

As I close upon the ramp leading to the manor I see upon the front steps the man who violated my home, stole from me the woman I love. In his right had a sword rests point down, I hear him call out to me not yelling over the winds and rain and crashing lightning but in a conversational voice that I can hear plainly. You have come to your death brother. I am no brother of yours I reply, I have come for her the woman I love and I will have her or I will have your life. She wasn’t yours, to begin with, she was promised to me from ages past she is mine, but if you must, come then and I will end your misery once and for all. Gritting my teeth I walk forward as I get closer I can see that the runes of protection on his armor have no color but have all colors at the same time. I reach my hand to my back and grasp the very sword you tried to use to save me, I know this sword it is an extension of me, I know every inch of this hand and a half sword the glint of fire and ice forged steel, the pommel in the shape of a falcon’s head, the cross guard the wings of that falcon spread. I know every rune carved into the blade telling the stories of battles won and lost, it is a part of me in every way just as you are. Pulling it across my left shoulder with my right hand the blade singing as it is pulled from the sheath, singing for vengeance, singing for love, singing for his death.

A promise from me to me…..

Posted in ME with tags on March 24, 2013 by dankline2000

So if you had been told like I have been told over the last several days that you had the emotional fortitude of a lama, you think that it would give you a hint that there is something smelly in Denmark (no offense to the people of Denmark, it is just a saying I either made up or heard somewhere), I mean it took one of my readers whom is very dear to me to, telling me to take an emotional coffee break for me to see that I have been wrapped up, twisted and borderline obsessive with the way I am feeling, insert notation here, not that I am in no way dismissing how I feel. But I am being unobjective to myself, blaming myself for how another feels or in this case felt for me or not about me at all. It is so draining, it takes so much energy from me that I have nothing left for me or for that matter anyone else, it’s as if I am putting out there for the universe a literal kick me signimages (7), if others can feel it and sense it what a put off that must be, to see me a grown ass man wallowing in self pity and wasting energy chasing my own tail.images (6)

 

Now as good as all that sounds it is very hard to stop myself from doing just that, chasing my own tail. It takes will and effort to do this and I am afraid that I haven’t the ability to stop this wallowing in self pity. I have gained from my experiences, I know what and how to love, now to step out in the world and let others see me for me, know me for me the man I am not the wretch that is sitting in front of this computer. Still sounds good right? It is even harder to contemplate going forth and finding something I know I already had and want still to this very second.

But I will make a promise to myself that from this hour forward every day I will do something for me, even something as small as to stop and look around me and find wonder in this world I do actually live in, as for the rest I will do what I can one step at a time, crawl, walk, run in that order. This I promise to myself.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline