Archive for the Respect Category

Still, what to use as a Title…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, Love, PTSD, Questions, Respect, Uncategorized on April 18, 2017 by dankline2000

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

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Still the Anger…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2014 by dankline2000

Burn_with_Anger_by_McSlitherI do believe that I heard you right this morning when you wondered out loud why God had put me in your life, to what purpose? Was it to be mean and hateful? Was it to hurt with my words? No, lets think of it in a different way, perhaps God put you into my life for a reason. I can name many reasons but this one comes to the fore front of my mind. God put you in my life to teach me patience, tolerance and to be kind again. You have tested me beyond the endurance of my own will and yet you are still there. God did not put me into your life but he put you into mine to show me temperance of will, to look at what my anger was doing to me and to others. I understand what anger is and its consequences, but I am seeing that things and people that are around me are also hurt by my temper and anger. No I don’t think there is one soul on this earth that can understand what I have been through or what I live with daily. But I fear it still, the anger that is, consumes me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, nor am asking for anyone to forget. I am just hoping to find a place in the middle.

Respect & loyalty…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 17, 2013 by dankline2000

moral

Ok so it is a beautiful, crisp cold Sunday morning and around 9:00am and you want to know what I am thinking about respect and loyalty. The first is respect and to me respect is one of the hardest things in the world for me to begrudge anyone, I mean why respect anyone right? You see the list of people I respect is a very short one, hell I don’t even respect myself so why should I respect anyone else. Here are some of the things I respect in others, confidence, humor, independence, honor to one’s self and others, work ethic, personal ethics. Perhaps I should explain personal ethics as I see it, personal ethics are how one treats themselves, such as personal hygiene, taking care of one’s clothing, if their appearance is neat and tidy and clothes are clean then this person cares for themselves as much as others. Take for instance my ex-wife, she was always wearing a bit of make-up, her hair was always done, her toes were always painted and if not always her fingers there was usually a reason, she always smelled good not in a cologne way but in a freshly showered way.

Now I know that respect is much more than that it is personal habits, the way one carries himself and how a person treats others is as important as the things I have described above, so respect to me is not an easy given or deserved thing for me. I treat people like I want to be treated, I want to be spoken to and about with some kindness, I want people to be forthright and straight with people and them with me, if you have a problem or even something nice you want to say then do so, but don’t approach me with an attitude or with any reluctance at all, yes sometimes I can take it and yes sometimes I cannot, I would like to think that a normal trait and not something tied to my mental issues.

Loyalty, now that is not something I do very well a person has to earn that from me and there are very and I mean very few people in this world that have my loyalty as a matter of fact there is two people, yes only two people right now that I show nay loyalty to at all one is my son, which I guess it to be taken for granted, the other is Richard Stilger, if it weren’t for him I would be living in shelters or in a box under a bridge downtown. I have known him for many years and out of the kindness of his heart and this is very important to me, out of the kindness of his heart he gave me a place to live knowing I don’t have much money and I could not pay him for living with him. He has never asked me for money for anything as a matter of fact he even pays for everything except for my medication and my chewing tobacco. I help him every day with anything that he made need done from helping with house hold chores to helping him with his business, I don’t get any money in return and I don’t ask for any and I try to work as hard as I can to repay the debt I owe him, thing is it is not expected for me to even do what I do, he doesn’t ask and I don’t deny, I am up every morning with him and I go every time he does or doesn’t need me, if he can make the same amount of money but not have to work as hard if I am there then I am going, it just makes sense to me, probably not to others but I do it and not with a sense that I owe him anything I do it because it is the right thing to do. He even allows me to have my son over whenever I want and most o the time when Dylan is over he is still working and he tells me to spend time with my son, and he goes and does what needs to be done. Do I want to return to a normal job and have a little money in my pocket, yes and I am trying to do just that, it is hard to pay bills with just kindness, it is hard to go and do things with my son with only kindness, but until I do find a job and return to the work force I will do and go with him every day and work as hard as I can until then, then I will transfer that work ethic to the job I find.

So loyalty and respect are important to me as you have seen one more thing I want to say before I end this post. Each and every one of you who reads my blog have my respect and loyalty all of do not judge me or never do anything but give good advice or comments on my posts no matter what the content, I am so grateful for each and every one of you and I know I sometimes don’t seem to return the gesture then I am sorry, it seems I am wrapped up in myself these days and forget to let all of you know how much I do care by not going and reading your posts and liking them or even commenting on them. I am getting better and I will do my best to return the favor you have given me.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Marlene Clark…..

Posted in Respect with tags on February 14, 2013 by dankline2000

Marlene, I know that you do not care for me as a person, and I think that goes back even as far as the day you met me, I do understand. I have only respected a few people in my life and you are at the top of that list, never would I nor will I ever refuse you anything. You have strength of character and a strong will and a drive that few from my generation or the ones to come in the future will ever have. It is because of you that my son is well and taken care of. If not for you we would have failed many times over, you helped when my own family would not and didn’t care one way or the other, perhaps I would be a much different man if my mother had been a lot more like you. If only I had half as much drive and will power as you I would be a different man. I am only saying these words in respect and as before I know my words will fall on deaf ears and will more than likely be turned and twisted back against me so that this will turn into something much different as what it is intended to be, the truth. I will never speak ill of you, always in my mind I know that I should be more like you and I do mean that as a compliment not a slight towards you. I will tell you that I am sorry for the drama and problems I have caused you in the past, you did not and do not deserve for any of this to be anywhere around you. I will stop, I will stop right now. I should have stopped long before this.

With much gratitude and respect,

Dan Kline