FINALLY A LAUGH

Posted in Uncategorized on August 15, 2016 by dankline2000

True story, I remember when I was younger, can’t really remember what age but I do remember the time like it was yesterday. My Father had been stationed in Coba Roho Bay, Puerto Rico at the time and it was time for us to move stations. Wow, well we were never told our next destination because I am pretty sure we all would have started a revolution. Minnesota, freaking Baudette, Minnesota, 6 miles from the Canadian border, don’t ya know. Yep there we were getting off a plane straight from Puerto Rico in Minneapolis, Minnesota in January, right smack dab in the middle of winter. Get this picture here we are getting off the plane in shorts, t-shirts and flip flops (yes I did wear shorts at one point in my life). It was well below zero in that there city of the apolis, and people were staring at us like we had lost all sense of reality, not so sure they weren’t right. My father had to go right there in the airport and buy us all winter jackets, why? Well because our entire luggage was more than likely in a different country, because it sure wasn’t there. That’s how my life went in Minnesota, but it did get better. Now imagine if you will snow, I’m not talking about the couple of inches we get here in Kentucky, I’m talking the snow piled up on the edges of the streets were taller than I am now. My first winter in Baudette was filled with so many new things, snow only being a part of it. I want to tell you about my moose experience, yes moose. See Baudette is a small community and we lived in the woods, lots of woods and lots of snow. One day my cousin Kevin and all of his family were visiting (sounds like a normal life right?) and real quick me and Kevin got bored, so out the door and into the woods we went and we didn’t go far, that is until we saw these tracks in the snow, they were huge, bigger than Kevin’s and my feet heel to toe big, pretty big, right? Well see there was something weird about these tracks, well they had long oval shapes in the back and two little dots in the front, and I mean what the hell makes that kind of foot print or track. So we started following the tracks and man they went everywhere but we just couldn’t figure out what could make tracks that big, was it a deer? No I knew what they looked like, and it was anything dangerous, because really what could be dangerous and make those kind of screwed up tracks. Then it hit us out of the blue, a moose, it had to be a moose that made those tracks, they were huge and well moose are huge I had seen them on TV. So we ran back to the house and told my father and Uncle Sam (Kevin’s Dad) what we had found and that they needed to come quick because we would lose the moose if we didn’t hurry. So there we were retracing our own tracks to find the moose tracks so we could show them. And there they were right there where we left them, so we showed them to our fathers and they walked around the tracks and then kneeled down and poked around in the tracks, the whole time telling they were not sure what kind of tracks they were so we would have to follow the tracks and see for ourselves this mysterious moose we had been tracking for several hours. So with them in tow we headed out and we searched and searched until my father stopped us, told us to be quiet and just wait. And we did now it might have only been a few minutes but to us it seemed like hours. My father pointed to a bunch of dead bushes and said wait, just wait. Oh my god are you kidding me we have been waiting for freaking ever when out of the brambles……. Hops out a snow shoe rabbit. Yep we had been tracking a rabbit for hours thinking it was a moose. Welcome to Minnesota city boy, lol.

THE WAITING

Posted in Uncategorized on August 3, 2016 by dankline2000

When I was a kid we had this thing, issue or wrong doing if you will, let’s call it “THE WAITING”. Now I’m sure that this brings to mind all sorts of things so I will explain. As we all know my father was a monster, literally a fucking monster. This waiting came into being from this literal monster. It started out like this, a week maybe, ten days tops my father would do things with us, go places, and teach us really cool stuff. But then at the end of that unspecified time period it would happen, the beatings, the verbal, physical and sexual abuse that comes to mind every time I even say the word father. In the beginning my brother and I were like this is cool Dad is actually doing things with us, he loves us, NO HE DOESN’T. It was a setup, the proverbial waiting for the other shoe to drop and after time we could predict when this would happen and even prolong the inevitable, but in the end it always happened. I didn’t realize that this followed me into my adult life in the form of this. Every time things are going well for me, things are going in a direction that I want, no wrings are done, job fine, wife and kids wonderful. Then I would do it to myself, I would cause the WAITING and I would run, I would get angry at the drop of a pin. In the end it has cost me my marriage. I really didn’t understand what I was doing till after all the fallout that I had caused myself, my wife and my children. But I cannot explain it to them, they don’t want to listen. I didn’t figure it out till my whole world had fallen down, and it still keeps falling. I wanted someone to listen; I wanted the chance to explain. I’m not going to get that because of the WAITING. I don’t wait anymore; I have hopefully changed that part of my life. I don’t run away, I still get scared but I don’t do the things I used to do when it felt like the WAITING. I had to tell someone.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan
giphy

Ah Christ I lost my words, I wonder if I can find them again?

Posted in Uncategorized on August 12, 2015 by dankline2000

I sit and I wonder about myself and the direction I am going in, the way I have led my life not just as an adult but in the last few years. I am not sure the things that have been done can be undone, to me, by me as sit and type these words upon this page. I know this person who did these things is not me, I know that the things I have done are wrong, I know I am the wrong that needs to be righted. I am what I have always thought I would never be, the wrong that needs to be righted instead of the right that needed to be wronged. Confused? Don’t be because if you know me you understand what I am saying, you know me as a man, a person, father, brother, son and friend.
I prayed tonight to God to show me the way, to point me in the direction to make this right, to fix me, to become right. I really prayed, not in wishfulness, not in wanting but to understand, to be given just a hint of a direction of what it is that i need to do, what direction I needed to go in. I could feel it, my prayer as it left my mind, grasping, reaching up for answers that I feel only he can provide. All of you who know me, know I am not a religious man, but there has to be something, I want there to be someone out there that can give me guidance, love and compassion that I long for. To comfort me when all I can do is screw up, when everything I touch falls apart in my hands as sand slipping between my fingers and scattering into the winds of neglect, hurt, fear and anger. I know some joy, I have seen it once or twice in my life, I know what is like to win, to work hard to lose and to have to start all over again. I can feel it now this longing inside me reaching as like never before up and out of me like, well I am not sure what it is like because I have never felt it before, this need, this urge, this want to be fixed and to fix all the things I have broken. I wish I could describe the feeling of my skin, tingling , flexing, stretching away from me as if it know s what I need to do, my fingers not knowing yet knowing the right keys to hit as I still hesitate to hit them. I am not scared, I don’t think anyways, because I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to be afraid of? It’s as if anticipation and that feeling when you go fast over a hill have combined. I do not give the feeling justice with my words but it is the best that I can do.

I will not tag this nor give it a category,because I have none for it.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello it’s me, again…..

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

I wonder how many of you have had the same issues I am having now? I know in my own mind that change is inevitable, neccessary even. I am not sure I have a problem with this. I do have a problem with my mind feeling like it is separating, unwinding if you will like a spool of thread rolled across the floor. The way I feel now is again affecting my minute to minute life. How foolish of me to think that I was “cured”, how stupid of me to stop writing, sharing my processes and thoughts. This, this forum of shared peoples is what helped me in the first place. God I was a fool, I know that this problem with D.I.D.is something I will live with he rest of my life, it is manageable but there is no cure, honestly there is no “cooperation” between the people in my head. I don’t even know what triggered it or even when, just that I notice it now. No it was not a break up with a woman, it started well before that. No it is not my job, stressful as it may be. I have no idea exactly when it started, it just has. This issue with D.I.D. is a full-time job. The fear, anger, hate, the fact that I do not want to interact with others n a personal level is, well I am scared again, which as if you have been following me for a bit that leads to ANGER, which is one of my personalities. I even feel detached as I am writing this now, I am not sure what to do, I am not sure how to proceed. If anyone has any suggestions now would be a good time for you to tell me.I want someone to tell me what to do, to tell me that I can make it alright, to tell me I will be safe, that I can go through my life with this mental illness. Please let it be alright, I don’t know if I can handle being like I used to be, I am scared of that person.

With much fear and trepidation,

Dan Kline

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Again I have no title ( perhaps this in and of itself is a title)…..

Posted in Uncategorized on October 29, 2014 by dankline2000

So this is what it looks like when I write (I have the computer hooked up to the TV)? So what are you writing about? Not really sure yet but we will see as it progresses. I don’t want to talk about life, I don’t want to talk about death, so why don’t we just talk about being, yes just being. We are all supposed to be the same are we not? I am not going to racial or anything like that, because I just don’t fucking care about any of that.

I am talking about when we are we, or us or what the fuck ever. The person who you really are, the one you have to live with on your own, “I”. Yep you, just plain ole you. That guy or girl sitting there at your computer, just like me and writing every, little feeling you feel, every thought in your head. Just because we can, just because there might be someone else out there that knows, perhaps just a little bit about how we might feel. Ok I get that. But what about that everyday person (do I sound like I don’t know what I am talking about?), ya maybe, more than likely not. You see I do and don’t really give two rats asses about how people view me, yet I cower in fear (shame) that they will see through the façade I have built. I am what I am, tough, hard, cold, scared, lost, and lonely.

I am not going to finish this, truth be told I am in a state of earth endured grace (ok sounds morbid, but I didn’t die, kill myself or otherwise harm and animals in the writing of this shite). I was fucking stoned…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Only God knows what I am trying to say here…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse with tags , , , , , on September 27, 2014 by dankline2000

You ever get the feeling that no one listens to you? You ever get the feeling that perhaps you aren’t the one who is crazy that it is the rest of the world? Well you might be right, I get that feeling a lot here lately and I have to say when I sit back and view the situation and the people I am around, I seriously question not only my own sanity, which we all know isn’t the best, but the sanity of those around me.

Let me explain, I will start with myself first which I am more than likely to do often. I try for example to have physical and emotional relationships with the opposite sex and well it never goes well. Is it me? Is it the people I am seeing, probably both? You see the last woman I tried to see ended up, really is this important? Do I really want to try to explain? I must because I am writing about it, so here we go. She ended up being a drug user, the bad type like heroine and meth, did I know this when I met her, no. but I did find out real quick. No she didn’t steal from me, but. Damn it is hard to explain if you have ever met an addict they are all different except the need to use, the issue with untruth, the issue of lying. This adds so much stress to my already slightly off balance mind. I just can’t really go into details because while I know about it, I don’t understand. I do understand something controlling your life, such as my mental issues but we are what I would call in cooperation, we work, well that is pretty much it I cannot say I am living a normal life because I am not, I still isolate, get angry, sad, hell all of the emotions I have all the time that are a part of me, us, we. The people I live with, we will go there next. He doesn’t really love her, I am not sure she loves him. He doesn’t want to be alone and she has no place else to go. They don’t trust each other, and it has created an atmosphere of apathy in the house. Can I just say that it affects me greatly, do I move, and do I stay? All of you would probably agree that I should move. But look at this, it’s almost as if I can’t, unexplainable I agree, but I just don’t. My work even seems to be getting weird, we have two departments at work of which I am a project manager of both, the design side and the construction side, too many hats. But we have 4 yes 4 people there including the owner. There is no trust, no communication and well it is getting worse, leave? Well I love what I do for a living and I am damned grateful that I can do it still. Is it hard for me to go to work every day and pretend to be normal, guess what I don’t try to be normal I just am who I am. And well it is working, I don’t know how but it is, a small success for myself I would have to say. No one minds how I am because I can design, draw and build and still be the way I am. They just think I am quirky, but I look around and they are doing the same things I do, talking to inanimate objects like their computer the printer that damned wall stud that is just a little too tight. Yes I am keeping most of me in my head but still, I look around and I ask myself what do all of us have in common? Extreme intelligence? Nope, normal lives? Nope, all men in the same office that have been through traumatic events in our lives based on our own individual experiences? Yes, though they haven’t been through what I have they have been through in their mind traumatic experiences, divorce, death of a loved one, etc…

Now why did I start with you ever get the feeling no one listens to you? Because they don’t, period. I can tell someone something and it just doesn’t hit home till it is too late. I told one woman about kissing me, stupid I know but it was uncomfortable and just gross, I said kissing to me is a form of making love. Agree or disagree I don’t care, but when she was kissing me it was like she was eating an ice cream cone, I know I look vanilla but damn keep that thing under control. You don’t have to cover my face like a dog liking a bone. I won’t explain anymore about kissing but I had to say it. Actually now that I read it, it is funny. But when she says she really likes you and you say I don’t want that tongue all over my face and you patiently explain and show her how to actually kiss and she still does it every time you try to kiss? Well she wasn’t listening. Yes I know this is a silly thing to be saying about not listening but I used this as but an example, hell people no one listens to me about anything, so there you have it, a rant? Hell I don’t know but it is off my chest and that is the point.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

I do have but just me…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 2, 2014 by dankline2000

I cannot see, I cannot think. I have allowed my world to collapse upon me, my thoughts no longer free to flow from within me. I surround myself with doubts and shame, for I cannot change the world around me. I have allowed the world to consume me yet once again, let it all in to stop me from being me. I cannot change who I am, yet I find I can no longer accept who I am, not just in this moment but every single second of everyday. It swirls with in me, it clouds my thoughts and moves me in ways I dare not define. For how I can I define exactly what it is that is happening to me? How to explain that I am becoming functioning again, stopping myself from be productive to sheltering myself from the world again. I cannot change who I am, yet still cannot accept who it is I have become. Day after day I long for things, people and places that no longer can be who I am. I cannot express the feelings that I have, not even in writing. Where do I go, what do I do? Who can I tell? I have no one who will listen, you see it seems to me that no matter who you call friend, who you call lover, who you call father, mother and brother, they will not listen. I have only this screen in front of me, this blank page to write upon. Is this what I have become? A string of failures, a string of regrets? Do I keep trying or do I once again with draw and mourn the loss of the things that I want to be? I want to run, I want to hide, I want to die, no don’t fear I don’t want to die in the physical sense but only in the emotional sense. I no longer feel fear, I no longer feel happiness, sadness, love, hate, you see I have come to live in a state of apathy. No I don’t think that is the right word, I have to live in a state of not being. I don’t want to care, I don’t want love, friends, coworkers, jobs, money. I don’t want a life, you see to have a life is so hard to live that life. Everyone wants something from me and I have tried to give, I have tried so hard to give and I get nothing in return. They all want more and more and more. And I have naught to give of me self anymore, I canna do it. How much more do ye expect of me, how can I give ye more than I have, only to expect that ye’ll want more of me than I ave, what is it that ye expect o me? Can ye tell me that much? I ave no strength left, I ave no heart for ye to take more than I already ave. oh Gods above tell this pitiful wretch what I tis that ye expect and man to do, when he has nothing left but the blood in his veins, the thoughts in me head and the tears on me face. I would ask fer courage but tis the one thing I have left, the courage to wake each morn, the courage to go forth into the day and try as I might to accomplish what it is that these people, this world wants so much of me for. I am so lost, the one person in this world I have wanted, I have loved, she is as good as lost to me. My son, oh my son, the beat of me heart, the shine in me eyes. I have also failed thee, by what rights do I deserve thee. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and no more words.