Archive for Missing Pieces

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Never ending…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2013 by dankline2000

broken-heart-by-lucaszoltowskiI love you, not just parts of you but all of you. I need you like the ground needs rain. I don’t want pieces of time I want all of the time. I want to fall asleep in your arms, to wake with you snuggled in my embrace. I want to wake in the middle of the night to hear you breathe. I want to kiss your lips, inhale the heady scent of you, to run my fingers across the outlines of your face, to trace small circles upon your back as we lay together in companionable silence just looking into each other’s eyes. i want to see the crinkle in your nose as you smile.

You take away my fears, my pain all of the things that scare me and replace them with hope, love and joy. I can only tell you these things that are the truth and hope that someday you will realize that I can never stop loving you. I have let you once again slip through my fingers, indecision begets regrets. Can you not feel me? Can you not hear the loss in my words? Can you not be with me? Always and forever you are my one and only, never to be mine completely. Something, someone always stands between us and it is slowly killing me. You spoke the words I have waited to hear for oh so very long, yet you still cannot be with me.

I don’t regret my love for you, I don’t regret any of the things I have said and done. There are things that even I cannot compete with. Remember I am but a man, scared, hurt, lonely and lost. With your touch, the very look from your beautiful eyes takes all that away. You mean so much to me; you have taken all those things away and made me a stronger man than I was. I would do the same if only you would let me, I would be your strength, and I would be your courage. But for one chance would I make you happy, but for reasons I cannot seem to understand you still will not be mine.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Well tis about time I can get out fer a bit…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Books I have read, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Friendship, Guilt, Knights Tedmplar, Music, Poetry, PTSD, Religion, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2012 by dankline2000

well it do look like me after a hard day o riding or fightin or maybe drinking

Oy, does anyone know what then little buttons on the side im supposed to click, I am supposed to click them right, what am I asking fer now ya havent even read the damn thing yet, oh well I will push them all. HAR. Knights Templar I were thinking we werent supposed to talk about them? I’m just hopin I did this right, been a while since I wrote one o these damn things, ow am I supposed to remember all this nonsense?

Well I don know rightly if I should write fer Dan or not, he is out on a bit of a holiday fer now, and rightly he deserves it to say the least. Like I been replying all night fer the little bastard he done and went and wore heself out doing all that damn running in the heat over the last week or so, no man should ave to be out in that there heat fer very long, hmm memory response in the old fingers when we type, actually wants to spell werds the way he would but he cant cause I am in charge fer a bit. What a lark him actually typing the way I speak, or am I typing the way I speak, ok that there boggles the mind a bit. Don tell im but I snuck a few o hes snacks from the kitchen, I like them there Nutty Bars, they are good and tasty, that they are. Hey whats say we talk about Dan while he is gone, I’m not talking anything big but something that is maybe funny or embarrassing but wont cause too much anger in the boy, he kinda deserves it fer the other day anyhow, well lets see what we can do about this, he has had the same sorts of things happen to him that others ave, you know like being pants on high school, but he did beat the crap out of the guy, and he did lose es swimming trunks in the public pool one time, and then there was the time when he were at an away game playing hockey and went to moon a passing car and got hes ass cheeks frosted to the window glass o the bus, that were funnier than hell cause he had to force hes cheeks offin the window without any warm water and he lost a few layers o ass skin fer that one, har that were a good one to be sure. But what else has happened to Dan that might be embarrassing to im, I am gonna ave to think bout this a little, well really there aint much cepting fer the few things I already told ye, he did very well at hes bootcamp training and was a damn fine soldier, fought with honor that he did, made me proud to be a part o him, or he a part o me. Oh he did step on his junior prom dates dress and rip it offin her young little body and she was left standing in her panties, but wait that weren’t so embarrassing to im and more ta her, so that won work. Well hells bells I really cant think o nothing so I am gonna end this, it is beginning to be more like werk than I like, now give me a good brawl and a pint o ale or mead, I do luv me some mead and I am a happy little blighter to say the least, they don ave mead in the US though I might find er in a micro brewery had to use a bit o Dan s brain fer that one couldn’t remember what the hell it were called, so then I am off ye fine lads and lasses, ave yerself a good evening and a great morrow. Damn I didna write about a damn thing did I?

Khayleth

Some quick questions about alters…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by dankline2000

Ok just a quick post to see if I can find any answers. First in my case as of now I only know of 2 alters anger and Khayleth, and from a post yesterday it seems I have written some things that I didn’t know about till today while going over my posts. https://whattodoaboutme.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/second-week-on-seroquel-xr/ Second I know where and why I have aspects but how do I get in contact with a new aspect I think is coming forward? Third how many of the damn things are in there and will they all come out, I am having a hard enough time with the two of them, and really right now I think Khayleth has taken a vacation I haven’t heard from him in a few days have any of you? I am not worried but I am just wondering why he is so silent right now, is it because of another aspect coming forward, I don’t need anymore angry ones or ones that cause harm that is for sure. I don’t have any answers for these questions and perhaps someone can help with this.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

If you wanted to know me, don’t read this it don’t say shit

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 16, 2012 by dankline2000

So here I sit trying to write just about me and this is the second attempt at this, I am not finding it so easy just to talk about me, without all the baggage that I carry with me, I figured that trying to talk about me would be an easy task hell I already talk about a lot of other shit. So why am I finding it so hard to tell you about myself. I have had this thought; I can’t tell you about me without all of the other things in my life coming up you see that is a part of me, like an arm or a leg. If I tell you about myself I have to add in all the things that make me, me. Like my diagnosis and my past drug addiction and the abuse I had as a child, you see I made it out like I was whining about those things but clearly they have defined the person that I have become. It takes a considerable amount of courage for me to tell even myself that I have problems and that bad things have happened to me in my life. I don’t want it to be true, I want to be what I call normal and not have other people in my head, and to not be so angry with the world and for those things that happened to me in my youth define me, and yet they do and I don’t want to accept that about me. If I were me now and I saw what was happening to me then I would have put a stop to it, there would have been no violence, no fear, no emotional abuse, I would not have the desire to have the perfect family, of mom and dad of brothers that are still together today and are a part of each other’s lives. I would not have taken drugs for so long and never would I have tried, more than once to kill myself. But as hard as it is for me those moments every hurt, every wrong all the damage I have done to myself over the years, every missed opportunity that I passed by, every smack of the belt, the hits to my body and soul that I have taken over the years, all of that would never have been. But I have to ask myself, what kind of man would I have turned out to be if all of these things had never happened to me, it has and did happen to me and there is nothing I can do about it. I just need to learn to live with me as I am, and that is no easy thing to do. I don’t want to rage against an unjust world, I don’t want to think about those moments in my life where I feared for my life, I don’t want to see danger and fear around every corner. I feel like I am whining again, telling you look at me and feel sorry for me, and that is not what I want, I already feel sorry for myself I don’t want others to feel sorry for me to. What I want is to understand and to come to terms with the way I am and the things I feel, I don’t need pity I make enough for myself, what I do lack is courage, the courage to sit up in this world and to take my place in this world again. I want the courage to tell you all about the damage that was done to me, in detail. I want to never glamorize my drug issues and call them the best times of my life. I want to have the courage to be alive again and not be scared of what will come, and what will knock me down again. I want the courage to say to tell the world that this is me and not back down or second guess myself, I don’t want to regret all the words that I have written over the last couple of weeks, I don’t want to think of myself as a whiner, a wasted thing that doesn’t have a voice in this world and sometimes feels as if he doesn’t belong in this world, no I am not contemplating suicide I say this as an afterthought not a plan. And yet I have talked about me but have I said anything of who I really am. What it is that makes me laugh, what makes me sit and stare out the window and what is that I actually see when I look of into the distance? What is it that I want to do with the rest of my life, what makes me love my wife and giggle like a little child as I watch my son do stupid stuff? Have I told you about any of this, no not once. Or the fact that I like to listen to 80’s glam rock and one of my favorite bands is Great White. Or the fact that I have a gay man for a brother, bet you didn’t know that, and I bet you didn’t know that I am very proud to have him as a brother. Or that I read fantasy and science fiction novels, or that when I first started to have panic attacks that the one thing I used to calm myself down with was a Disney movie call the sword and the stone, guess I didn’t mention that did I? Or the fact that I would very much like to sit here and cry, just cry, over what I don’t know but it would be a huge release to let some other emotion take control of my body and just let the tears fall like rain. It seems the only emotion I let go of is anger and that is not healthy, but what do I do to stop that. Did I tell you my favorite color of car is white? Or that I know how to ride horses, guess that might have slipped my mind too.

my mind disconnected form my heart, my heart disconnected from my soul, all that i am is an island of old, always looking back never forward, never learning always yearning, what am i to do i scream, what am i to do, you have isolated me for so long from far and near to things that i would hold dear, time to let it go, but i dont know how

And yet as I sit here and reread some of the things I have written I can see anger in my words as if I were challenging myself that these are the things that are really me, can you not see it in the words I have typed here, I can and I didn’t want that to be a part of this whole thing, I really didn’t want anger to become a part of this.

You see this is what I didn’t want for this to become another rant an angry rant about, well about me and yet there it is in black and white. What I really wanted was for you and me to have a conversation, a conversation like two old friends sitting in old arm chairs by the fire, smoking our pipes and drinking hot tea, just telling each other of stories from our past and whiling away the time in fond repast. Not for it to come off as an angry man challenging the very facts of what he is supposed to be. I can see that to get past the anger and into the place I want to be will be a great battle for me. It is too early in the battle for me to face this daunting task of conquering my anger. I am not ready, I am not able to face this yet, and so what do I do. I never really wanted anger to come into this post, I was so hoping to tell you about me, and not let the anger be involved, but I have seen that this is not to be. I wanted to share with you things about me that didn’t have any anger to it, to see if through writing to you this way I could find a measure of peace in my mind. Once again I know that this will not be so. Damn I can even see the anger in my verbiage in the very words that I am using. Just once, just one time I want to write without anger or malice at myself and the memories in my mind.  Once again I will not finish the story, my anger will not let it come out you see perhaps I am not ready to talk about me, at least not until the anger is in check. Please forgive me I have failed myself again. All I wanted to tell you were stories of me. I wish you could see the picture in this post full size for it is amazing to behold.

Do you remember?

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 11, 2012 by dankline2000

Alright I couldn’t help it, I had to put this out there, I was riding in the car picking my son and his friend Ethan up from Ethans house and on the way back this thought rang through my head like a church bell in a tower. So follow me on this and see if you remember?

Do you remember those days when, you drove in the hot summer sun, with the radio blasting and only one speaker in the car worked.

Do you remember those days when, with windows rolled down you had a foot stuck out the window driving down the road while your favorite girl sat beside you and sang every song that came on the radio, your best friend in the back seat, a cooler full of beer with no destination in mind, but just going.

Do you remember those days when, the summer felt like lava on the earth, but you didn’t care you were just glad to be alive, going to your favorite swimming hole wondering if your girlfriend had a two piece suit on hoping against hope that you get some loving and kissing tonight?

Do you remember those days when, it didn’t matter to you how hot is was outside, and you had no allergies and didn’t have to worry over whether it was an ozone day, or that your car didn’t have air conditioning, hell that it ran was a miracle, and it had more rust than paint. But you were young and care free and had the world at your finger tips.

Do you remember those days when, you were alive, just to be alive, smiling, just to be smiling and happy, just to be happy, care free innocent days of summers gone by. The lessons of a misspent youth, do you remember?

do you remember the summer from your youth, care free, laughing, living, loving just having fun, no where in mind, just going in the summer time

I do, and want so badly to feel that way again, to just feel the wind rushing through your hair as you fly down the road, it didn’t matter where you were going cause nobody cared, you were just going. And you didn’t stop for no one and nobody, not worrying over the things that you worry over now, no mortgage, no credit cards, no what’s for dinner, no taking the kids to practice or day care. You were at your most peaceful then, and never again would ever feel that way, that innocence of a misspent youth by now long gone. i don’t even see that in our children today, I wonder where it all went, I can blame it on some things like, the internet, PS3, XBOX, ipods, notebook tablets, and cable TV. But do you, do you really remember what it was like for us, those of us who didn’t have those things that even now our children have. Hell I didn’t need it I was happy with just going.

Ok this is weird?????

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 6, 2012 by dankline2000

Ok, as you all know I have been working on several blogs for my site about people who came into my life, well in part 3 I had written a part about this person that told the whole story of how we met and some of the things that we did while we were living in Arkansas. well for some reason that whole part of the story is gone, I know that I wrote this and I know it was in the post because it was so long and I was afraid that you out there would get bored and not read the whole thing, did I take that part out cause the story starts by me saying that the 2 summers I spent in Arkansas we the best of my life, and I have to question why I would delete that first part about how we met. Did I really write the whole beginning or did I just imagine that I did. That doesn’t feel right either, I know I wrote in the story of how we met and of some of the things that we had done there. Ok my computer was acting a little weird had to reboot it, and after I restarted it I went back to the draft that I had saved for the third part of the blog and reread the whole thing in case I accidentally moved the cursor and had typed over the beginning, I didn’t and the entire first part of that story is gone. Damn I don’t want to rewrite the beginning of that story, I had done such a good job of it the first time, I think. I even checked the trash to see if I might have accidentally deleted it, but no it wasn’t there. Ok I have to ask did I really write the first part of the story and if I did where the hell did it go? I am a fanatic about saving my work as I go along, once again that is an AutoCad concept. And hell the damn site auto saves all the freaking time. If I didn’t write the beginning and I made the whole thing up in my head then there is more wrong with me than I think, is this one of the symptoms of DID? Thinking you did something when in reality you didn’t? If this is how doing this blog is going to fuck with me and make me feel then maybe I shouldn’t be doing this right now. Man I don’t know what to do, so what did I really do for 2 hours last night while I thought I was writing this blog entry. Did I write so much that it automatically deleted the first part? Fuck this for now I am finished for a bit once again. I feel like I need to go and recheck all the other blogs I wrote to make sure they are all there.

Ok I have checked part 2 and part 4 and they are whole and complete just like I wrote them, part 3 is still fucked up and there is nothing I can do about that, I don’t even think I am going to try to rewrite the first part of part 3 again, I remember how it went I think, I am just going to post it as is and you guys can make of it what you want, oh and Gerri in part 4 there is a part that I will apologize for right now before I even post it, and no I am not going to take it out, it is really nothing bad but still just in case I am sorry. I think I will change my name to Justin Case, I like it and yes I have seen the Safe Auto commercials, but I have been saying that for much longer than the commercials have been out.