Archive for PTSD

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

I do have but just me…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 2, 2014 by dankline2000

I cannot see, I cannot think. I have allowed my world to collapse upon me, my thoughts no longer free to flow from within me. I surround myself with doubts and shame, for I cannot change the world around me. I have allowed the world to consume me yet once again, let it all in to stop me from being me. I cannot change who I am, yet I find I can no longer accept who I am, not just in this moment but every single second of everyday. It swirls with in me, it clouds my thoughts and moves me in ways I dare not define. For how I can I define exactly what it is that is happening to me? How to explain that I am becoming functioning again, stopping myself from be productive to sheltering myself from the world again. I cannot change who I am, yet still cannot accept who it is I have become. Day after day I long for things, people and places that no longer can be who I am. I cannot express the feelings that I have, not even in writing. Where do I go, what do I do? Who can I tell? I have no one who will listen, you see it seems to me that no matter who you call friend, who you call lover, who you call father, mother and brother, they will not listen. I have only this screen in front of me, this blank page to write upon. Is this what I have become? A string of failures, a string of regrets? Do I keep trying or do I once again with draw and mourn the loss of the things that I want to be? I want to run, I want to hide, I want to die, no don’t fear I don’t want to die in the physical sense but only in the emotional sense. I no longer feel fear, I no longer feel happiness, sadness, love, hate, you see I have come to live in a state of apathy. No I don’t think that is the right word, I have to live in a state of not being. I don’t want to care, I don’t want love, friends, coworkers, jobs, money. I don’t want a life, you see to have a life is so hard to live that life. Everyone wants something from me and I have tried to give, I have tried so hard to give and I get nothing in return. They all want more and more and more. And I have naught to give of me self anymore, I canna do it. How much more do ye expect of me, how can I give ye more than I have, only to expect that ye’ll want more of me than I ave, what is it that ye expect o me? Can ye tell me that much? I ave no strength left, I ave no heart for ye to take more than I already ave. oh Gods above tell this pitiful wretch what I tis that ye expect and man to do, when he has nothing left but the blood in his veins, the thoughts in me head and the tears on me face. I would ask fer courage but tis the one thing I have left, the courage to wake each morn, the courage to go forth into the day and try as I might to accomplish what it is that these people, this world wants so much of me for. I am so lost, the one person in this world I have wanted, I have loved, she is as good as lost to me. My son, oh my son, the beat of me heart, the shine in me eyes. I have also failed thee, by what rights do I deserve thee. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and no more words.

I don’t have a title for this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 6, 2014 by dankline2000

It seems as if I go from one end of the spectrum to the other. From feeling somewhat normal to feeling the same way I did when I began this blog. Can I not find a happy medium, a level place in between? I have come to understand that this is the nature of my “mental problems” that this is the way things are going to be, but yet somehow I cannot accept this. I find that my outlook towards things have changed, have skewed somewhat if you will. I have never expected many people to understand my problems with DID, but I will also not hide who I am, the problems I have or who I have become now. Accept me for who I am now or just turn and walk away. I find myself secluded, which I don’t want to be, I find myself withdrawn, which is not a good sign, I find myself angry and unable to cope with certain things that in the past I would have just let go. This is not a grand example but it is one that I am having a problem with. Lying, yes lying or in another sense hiding things from me. I have no secrets; if I did you would not be able to Google my name and find this blog. If you have to hide who you are talking to, hide things from me like social media, texts, etc… Then I cannot trust you, would you trust me if I were not truthful? No one would, I am very open about my issues and to be honest if others don’t like it, don’t try to understand, or just don’t want to understand then all I have to say is good luck and good bye.

I am tired of being angry; I am tired of being alone. I have tried and failed, only to keep trying. I know that part of it is me, but I cannot blame all of it on me, can I? No I cannot blame it all on me. I understand that this is a much different post than what I put out yesterday, but welcome to my world. I figure that I am destined to be alone.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Just for this day…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Friendship, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2014 by dankline2000

For today I ask just this, to be granted a semblance of peace of mind. To not allow the anger to show, but to let the anger dissipate and be gone from my body, my mind and my soul. To be able to live with myself just the"Today" way I am. To be aware of what it is that I am doing, not only to myself but others. To learn to trust others as I don’t trust but one person now and it isn’t me. To show others that I am fully capable of caring and of doing for others as they have done for me. To be given the chance to love again, to truly feel the love I have felt before.

I want to just be, I am not sure if i understand what that is but I am willing to learn. I want to be calm, open minded and aware. Not closed off, not separated, not in a state of seemingly suspended animation to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I grow weary of this cycle and wish it to stop.

To take the things I have learned in my life and to pass them on, to show, not to teach for teaching is not something I am capable of doing. To pass on what limited knowledge I have to another, I would like that to be my son, but as he grows older he has to walk his own path, but I would like him to walk that path with some of the things I have shown him along the way. This last week my son worked with me, actually worked with me to achieve a goal set before me and if it were not for him I would not have achieved that goal. To say that I am proud of him is not enough; I have no words to express how pleased I am with him. To see him work at something, to work till his arms ached, his back hurt and he was sore all over. He didn’t quit, he complained very little, but he did not stop till the day’s work was completed, then went back again the very next day and did it all over again. And yet still wants to go with me on Monday to finish the job he helped to start. How to explain or even to express how I feel towards him is impossible. All I can do is show him how much I love him and keep showing him the things that I can.

My work completes me unlike anything I have ever felt before; it starts with an idea, then to a sketch of that idea, then to drawings and construction documents of that idea. Then it goes one step farther and the idea, sketch, construction documents become a reality. To be able to share that with others gives me more pleasure than one can believe. To make an idea a reality for others to see. If I could pass on one thing to my son it would be that, take your ideas and make them a reality for the whole world or even just one person to see. I would pass this along to all of you, life is short, and life is not fair, find something that makes you happy, if it is only the simplest of things grab a hold of it and make it a reality.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Still the Anger…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2014 by dankline2000

Burn_with_Anger_by_McSlitherI do believe that I heard you right this morning when you wondered out loud why God had put me in your life, to what purpose? Was it to be mean and hateful? Was it to hurt with my words? No, lets think of it in a different way, perhaps God put you into my life for a reason. I can name many reasons but this one comes to the fore front of my mind. God put you in my life to teach me patience, tolerance and to be kind again. You have tested me beyond the endurance of my own will and yet you are still there. God did not put me into your life but he put you into mine to show me temperance of will, to look at what my anger was doing to me and to others. I understand what anger is and its consequences, but I am seeing that things and people that are around me are also hurt by my temper and anger. No I don’t think there is one soul on this earth that can understand what I have been through or what I live with daily. But I fear it still, the anger that is, consumes me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, nor am asking for anyone to forget. I am just hoping to find a place in the middle.

Is this memory?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by dankline2000

My mind races, my heart hammers in my chest, sweat glistens upon my brow,

Are these thoughts and emotions real or imaginary?

I see tan colored buildings; sand is everywhere, is it real or is it make believe?

I hear the shouts of commands, the cries of despair, the screams of the wounded on both sides, the roar of the 50 gunner, the pop, pop of an AK-47, the whoosh and thud of an RPG, the sounds of battle that can hardly be described by my clumsy attempts with words.

The bag on the side of the road, the car that is parked at an odd angle just sitting there, will it trip, will it explode, I just don’t know. That person rushing towards me, will he or she stop, will they just run up and, well I don’t think I can finish that if you don’t mind.

This is the life that we live; it is not safe, it is not sound. Am I crazy? NO.

We survived, that’s what we did, and we came home somehow,

Home is not the same, I see fear, horror and pain on every face, on every street corner.

I also see hope, hope in my child’s eyes, in my lovers eyes, in the eyes of a stranger who shakes my hand with eyes full of respect, gratitude and acceptance.

To quote from a poem by Colonel Daniel K. Cadusky, AUS Retired, I was a soldier, and we will never forget, and we are alive.

Staff Sargent William Kline US Army 1998-2012 Honorably Discharged

But a Fool…..

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Poetry, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 4, 2014 by dankline2000

Am I a fool, I ask again, am I a fool,

I must be for you see I have lain my heart upon the headsman’s block,

I have bared my very deepest hearts desire to you,

Did you listen to me, those words I spoke to you, did you listen to my words of love and joy, I know you listened, but I know also that you did not hear those words,

Did you read the words I wrote, did they find a hold someplace within your heart and soul,

I fear that I am but a fool for telling you these things, a fool for sharing with you all my wants, desires, joys and fears,

Over and over I tell myself but to leave you be, to let you go on your way,

For you must be happy, if not then at least content, If none of these, then what?

I am but a fool you see, for I thought that perhaps you might have wanted me, needed me, loved me in some small way.

I have given my life to thee, my word, my heart and soul. And thus you have spurned me, left me to lay in a misery of mine own making.

Blessed be the one you love, for he does not know what he has.

Any Suggestions…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 16, 2013 by dankline2000

Chaos Symbol

Chaos Symbol

Somehow it seems as though I cannot escape the inevitability that I am not like everyone else, I am different, I am not your average person, and I am different. I no longer think the same as I used to, I no longer react to situations that in the past I have been able to handle. The difference is just this, my mind; my mental issues have changed me to the point that I am not sure how to handle everyday situations. I am trying to return to work, and actually have but it is completely different, and to be sure it is not just me. Even the company that I worked with for 13 years has changed, only two people are the same, the owner and one other that I worked with side by side for many years. This is the place I have always called home but the feelings, the stress; the confusion of what we are doing now is great. It has changed into a design build firm and is no longer just a design firm. You see the problem is this, while I am a project manager for the design side I am also a construction manager, with jobs that need to be done but I have to say that I am actually doing the construction, not managing the projects. This is not new to me I have been doing this for many years, so you ask what is the problem? It is this, it is chaos total and undeniable chaos, I have walked into several projects that have been started by others and well they are not right and it has fallen on my shoulders to get them correct, shoddy construction has all but destroyed one woman’s house, poor time management has pushed another so far out that we are losing money on it. And still yet we have people that are not following the scope of work laid out before them and are apparently doing whatever they want, I feel as if the whole thing is about to explode and all I want to do is help get things back on an even keel, I know I can do this if I can just sit and figure it out. We job hop, by that I mean that instead of concentrating on the scope of work for one project we are jumping from project to project trying to get things done, concentration is lost, moral is lost and the general feeling of not accomplishing a damn thing prevails upon us all. I have loved this company and the man who owns it and feel as if I am becoming a detriment and not a help. I want to concentrate on one thing and get it done but the nature of the beast is thus, we have micro deadlines, certain milestones have to be met in order to get paid. Yes this is unusual, no it is not the way I would normally do things but it has to be this way in order for the company to move forward and prosper. If I said that as a construction manager it is my responsibility to move these things along I would be correct. If I also said that although I can do the construction work it is better to get dedicated sub-contractors to do the actual work, well it isn’t going to happen. It seems that my beloved company has, well developed a certain reputation for not paying the subs, but if I told you that it was government work and that we were working with very small sub-contractors it would be the truth. We get paid a certain way, and the subs get paid as we get paid and in that…… you know what let me get to the heart of the problem, I have been trying to get this older woman’s house fixed, it is a short list but because of the original framing contractor doing shoddy work it has caused many more problems with the house.

I wish that I could but fix what I see,

I wish that I could just take the stress and confusion and leave it out where it needs to be,

I wish that I could be what it is exactly what they need,

I know in my heart that I can do this; I know in my mind that if I continue the way I am that a mental breakdown is inevitable. I know I can do this, I know I can stop the chaos. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to get the communication flowing from one person to another.

I know that this is not rocket science, it is easy. You see the problem you come up with a game plan and you implement the game plan, if we can get this mind set than I think that we can move forward with much better productivity.

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS I JUST NEED TO GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT LOOK AT THE PROBLEMS ONE AT A TIME AND GET THE COMMUNICATION FLOWING, THE KEY IS COMMUNICATION AND COOPERATION.