And the truth is…..

I find some things interesting about myself, yes I am being introspective. What a lark, right? Well, one of the things I found interesting is the fact that I can take something bad that either I have done or let’s say abusive towards myself and just irrationally explain it away. Take cutting, for example, we all know that it is not exactly healthy for anyone to be doing due to the fact that it really does not give one a sense of self-control. But I have done it and still do it. The fucked up part is that no matter how many times I have cut myself, or how deep or even where I cut myself I cannot feel the pain. I see the cut, I see the blood but I feel nothing. My skin or pain receptors do not really register the pain. So I asked myself if I keep doing this one of two things are going to happen; A – I am going to cut myself deep enough that I am really going to hurt myself, or B – I am going to end up cutting myself so many times in so many different places that again I am going to hurt myself to the point I will, well we won’t go there. Suffice it to say that I have quit cutting it doesn’t give me a sense of control, it doesn’t feed my selfish nature and it’s just plain fucked up when I have to hide the scars so I don’t have to explain them away and lie to others about what I have been doing, I mean for fucks sake I have enough scars from my years in the military that are easily explained but what about those perfect straight line cuts on my forearms, what about those perfect cuts on my left hand between my thumb and wrist that look like a cross hatch pattern. To be noted I will be getting a tattoo to cover those up because in my professional life I get quite a few stares that always seem to say I know what you have been doing. Paranoid? Yes, I am because it is no one’s business.