Archive for Anger

Hi…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 2, 2019 by dankline2000

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Only God knows what I am trying to say here…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse with tags , , , , , on September 27, 2014 by dankline2000

You ever get the feeling that no one listens to you? You ever get the feeling that perhaps you aren’t the one who is crazy that it is the rest of the world? Well you might be right, I get that feeling a lot here lately and I have to say when I sit back and view the situation and the people I am around, I seriously question not only my own sanity, which we all know isn’t the best, but the sanity of those around me.

Let me explain, I will start with myself first which I am more than likely to do often. I try for example to have physical and emotional relationships with the opposite sex and well it never goes well. Is it me? Is it the people I am seeing, probably both? You see the last woman I tried to see ended up, really is this important? Do I really want to try to explain? I must because I am writing about it, so here we go. She ended up being a drug user, the bad type like heroine and meth, did I know this when I met her, no. but I did find out real quick. No she didn’t steal from me, but. Damn it is hard to explain if you have ever met an addict they are all different except the need to use, the issue with untruth, the issue of lying. This adds so much stress to my already slightly off balance mind. I just can’t really go into details because while I know about it, I don’t understand. I do understand something controlling your life, such as my mental issues but we are what I would call in cooperation, we work, well that is pretty much it I cannot say I am living a normal life because I am not, I still isolate, get angry, sad, hell all of the emotions I have all the time that are a part of me, us, we. The people I live with, we will go there next. He doesn’t really love her, I am not sure she loves him. He doesn’t want to be alone and she has no place else to go. They don’t trust each other, and it has created an atmosphere of apathy in the house. Can I just say that it affects me greatly, do I move, and do I stay? All of you would probably agree that I should move. But look at this, it’s almost as if I can’t, unexplainable I agree, but I just don’t. My work even seems to be getting weird, we have two departments at work of which I am a project manager of both, the design side and the construction side, too many hats. But we have 4 yes 4 people there including the owner. There is no trust, no communication and well it is getting worse, leave? Well I love what I do for a living and I am damned grateful that I can do it still. Is it hard for me to go to work every day and pretend to be normal, guess what I don’t try to be normal I just am who I am. And well it is working, I don’t know how but it is, a small success for myself I would have to say. No one minds how I am because I can design, draw and build and still be the way I am. They just think I am quirky, but I look around and they are doing the same things I do, talking to inanimate objects like their computer the printer that damned wall stud that is just a little too tight. Yes I am keeping most of me in my head but still, I look around and I ask myself what do all of us have in common? Extreme intelligence? Nope, normal lives? Nope, all men in the same office that have been through traumatic events in our lives based on our own individual experiences? Yes, though they haven’t been through what I have they have been through in their mind traumatic experiences, divorce, death of a loved one, etc…

Now why did I start with you ever get the feeling no one listens to you? Because they don’t, period. I can tell someone something and it just doesn’t hit home till it is too late. I told one woman about kissing me, stupid I know but it was uncomfortable and just gross, I said kissing to me is a form of making love. Agree or disagree I don’t care, but when she was kissing me it was like she was eating an ice cream cone, I know I look vanilla but damn keep that thing under control. You don’t have to cover my face like a dog liking a bone. I won’t explain anymore about kissing but I had to say it. Actually now that I read it, it is funny. But when she says she really likes you and you say I don’t want that tongue all over my face and you patiently explain and show her how to actually kiss and she still does it every time you try to kiss? Well she wasn’t listening. Yes I know this is a silly thing to be saying about not listening but I used this as but an example, hell people no one listens to me about anything, so there you have it, a rant? Hell I don’t know but it is off my chest and that is the point.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

I do have but just me…..

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 2, 2014 by dankline2000

I cannot see, I cannot think. I have allowed my world to collapse upon me, my thoughts no longer free to flow from within me. I surround myself with doubts and shame, for I cannot change the world around me. I have allowed the world to consume me yet once again, let it all in to stop me from being me. I cannot change who I am, yet I find I can no longer accept who I am, not just in this moment but every single second of everyday. It swirls with in me, it clouds my thoughts and moves me in ways I dare not define. For how I can I define exactly what it is that is happening to me? How to explain that I am becoming functioning again, stopping myself from be productive to sheltering myself from the world again. I cannot change who I am, yet still cannot accept who it is I have become. Day after day I long for things, people and places that no longer can be who I am. I cannot express the feelings that I have, not even in writing. Where do I go, what do I do? Who can I tell? I have no one who will listen, you see it seems to me that no matter who you call friend, who you call lover, who you call father, mother and brother, they will not listen. I have only this screen in front of me, this blank page to write upon. Is this what I have become? A string of failures, a string of regrets? Do I keep trying or do I once again with draw and mourn the loss of the things that I want to be? I want to run, I want to hide, I want to die, no don’t fear I don’t want to die in the physical sense but only in the emotional sense. I no longer feel fear, I no longer feel happiness, sadness, love, hate, you see I have come to live in a state of apathy. No I don’t think that is the right word, I have to live in a state of not being. I don’t want to care, I don’t want love, friends, coworkers, jobs, money. I don’t want a life, you see to have a life is so hard to live that life. Everyone wants something from me and I have tried to give, I have tried so hard to give and I get nothing in return. They all want more and more and more. And I have naught to give of me self anymore, I canna do it. How much more do ye expect of me, how can I give ye more than I have, only to expect that ye’ll want more of me than I ave, what is it that ye expect o me? Can ye tell me that much? I ave no strength left, I ave no heart for ye to take more than I already ave. oh Gods above tell this pitiful wretch what I tis that ye expect and man to do, when he has nothing left but the blood in his veins, the thoughts in me head and the tears on me face. I would ask fer courage but tis the one thing I have left, the courage to wake each morn, the courage to go forth into the day and try as I might to accomplish what it is that these people, this world wants so much of me for. I am so lost, the one person in this world I have wanted, I have loved, she is as good as lost to me. My son, oh my son, the beat of me heart, the shine in me eyes. I have also failed thee, by what rights do I deserve thee. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and no more words.

I don’t have a title for this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 6, 2014 by dankline2000

It seems as if I go from one end of the spectrum to the other. From feeling somewhat normal to feeling the same way I did when I began this blog. Can I not find a happy medium, a level place in between? I have come to understand that this is the nature of my “mental problems” that this is the way things are going to be, but yet somehow I cannot accept this. I find that my outlook towards things have changed, have skewed somewhat if you will. I have never expected many people to understand my problems with DID, but I will also not hide who I am, the problems I have or who I have become now. Accept me for who I am now or just turn and walk away. I find myself secluded, which I don’t want to be, I find myself withdrawn, which is not a good sign, I find myself angry and unable to cope with certain things that in the past I would have just let go. This is not a grand example but it is one that I am having a problem with. Lying, yes lying or in another sense hiding things from me. I have no secrets; if I did you would not be able to Google my name and find this blog. If you have to hide who you are talking to, hide things from me like social media, texts, etc… Then I cannot trust you, would you trust me if I were not truthful? No one would, I am very open about my issues and to be honest if others don’t like it, don’t try to understand, or just don’t want to understand then all I have to say is good luck and good bye.

I am tired of being angry; I am tired of being alone. I have tried and failed, only to keep trying. I know that part of it is me, but I cannot blame all of it on me, can I? No I cannot blame it all on me. I understand that this is a much different post than what I put out yesterday, but welcome to my world. I figure that I am destined to be alone.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline