Hi…..

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7^th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

Respect & loyalty…..

Ok so it is a beautiful, crisp cold Sunday morning and around 9:00am and you want to know what I am thinking about respect and loyalty. The first is respect and to me respect is one of the hardest things in the world for me to begrudge anyone, I mean why respect anyone right? You see the list of people I respect is a very short one, hell I don’t even respect myself so why should I respect anyone else. Here are some of the things I respect in others, confidence, humor, independence, honor to one’s self and others, work ethic, personal ethics. Perhaps I should explain personal ethics as I see it, personal ethics are how one treats themselves, such as personal hygiene, taking care of one’s clothing, if their appearance is neat and tidy and clothes are clean then this person cares for themselves as much as others. Take for instance my ex-wife, she was always wearing a bit of make-up, her hair was always done, her toes were always painted and if not always her fingers there was usually a reason, she always smelled good not in a cologne way but in a freshly showered way.

Now I know that respect is much more than that it is personal habits, the way one carries himself and how a person treats others is as important as the things I have described above, so respect to me is not an easy given or deserved thing for me. I treat people like I want to be treated, I want to be spoken to and about with some kindness, I want people to be forthright and straight with people and them with me, if you have a problem or even something nice you want to say then do so, but don’t approach me with an attitude or with any reluctance at all, yes sometimes I can take it and yes sometimes I cannot, I would like to think that a normal trait and not something tied to my mental issues.

Loyalty, now that is not something I do very well a person has to earn that from me and there are very and I mean very few people in this world that have my loyalty as a matter of fact there is two people, yes only two people right now that I show nay loyalty to at all one is my son, which I guess it to be taken for granted, the other is Richard Stilger, if it weren’t for him I would be living in shelters or in a box under a bridge downtown. I have known him for many years and out of the kindness of his heart and this is very important to me, out of the kindness of his heart he gave me a place to live knowing I don’t have much money and I could not pay him for living with him. He has never asked me for money for anything as a matter of fact he even pays for everything except for my medication and my chewing tobacco. I help him every day with anything that he made need done from helping with house hold chores to helping him with his business, I don’t get any money in return and I don’t ask for any and I try to work as hard as I can to repay the debt I owe him, thing is it is not expected for me to even do what I do, he doesn’t ask and I don’t deny, I am up every morning with him and I go every time he does or doesn’t need me, if he can make the same amount of money but not have to work as hard if I am there then I am going, it just makes sense to me, probably not to others but I do it and not with a sense that I owe him anything I do it because it is the right thing to do. He even allows me to have my son over whenever I want and most o the time when Dylan is over he is still working and he tells me to spend time with my son, and he goes and does what needs to be done. Do I want to return to a normal job and have a little money in my pocket, yes and I am trying to do just that, it is hard to pay bills with just kindness, it is hard to go and do things with my son with only kindness, but until I do find a job and return to the work force I will do and go with him every day and work as hard as I can until then, then I will transfer that work ethic to the job I find.

So loyalty and respect are important to me as you have seen one more thing I want to say before I end this post. Each and every one of you who reads my blog have my respect and loyalty all of do not judge me or never do anything but give good advice or comments on my posts no matter what the content, I am so grateful for each and every one of you and I know I sometimes don’t seem to return the gesture then I am sorry, it seems I am wrapped up in myself these days and forget to let all of you know how much I do care by not going and reading your posts and liking them or even commenting on them. I am getting better and I will do my best to return the favor you have given me.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Marlene Clark…..

Marlene, I know that you do not care for me as a person, and I think that goes back even as far as the day you met me, I do understand. I have only respected a few people in my life and you are at the top of that list, never would I nor will I ever refuse you anything. You have strength of character and a strong will and a drive that few from my generation or the ones to come in the future will ever have. It is because of you that my son is well and taken care of. If not for you we would have failed many times over, you helped when my own family would not and didn’t care one way or the other, perhaps I would be a much different man if my mother had been a lot more like you. If only I had half as much drive and will power as you I would be a different man. I am only saying these words in respect and as before I know my words will fall on deaf ears and will more than likely be turned and twisted back against me so that this will turn into something much different as what it is intended to be, the truth. I will never speak ill of you, always in my mind I know that I should be more like you and I do mean that as a compliment not a slight towards you. I will tell you that I am sorry for the drama and problems I have caused you in the past, you did not and do not deserve for any of this to be anywhere around you. I will stop, I will stop right now. I should have stopped long before this.

With much gratitude and respect,

Dan Kline