Archive for January, 2013

The start of telling the truth…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 30, 2013 by dankline2000

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I talk a bit about child abuse in this post, beware in the future i will be telling more.....

I talk a bit about child abuse in this post, beware in the future i will be telling more…..

I sit and wonder if perhaps my entire life was one big experiment, if perhaps as a child I was forced to endure things that were to prepare me for worse things in my future, you see I find that what I endured as a child and as a teenager were training, training for me to perhaps take the place of my father. I found out so much about him in the beginning of my military career and understand that they asked me more than once if I would walk down the same path as my father. I couldn’t you see it is not in me, but that doesn’t mean that the things that were done to me didn’t remain, that it didn’t impact my life in oh so many various ways. I am able to tell when someone is lying to me, I know when that person is also telling the truth, I am able to fit into my different social situations, I know just enough about many things that I can fit in anywhere, I know what to wear as to not seem out of place never more than on the fringes but accepted anyhow. I can talk and enter into conversation with just about anyone and actually have something to add to the conversation and understand what is being talked about around me, I don’t have all the knowledge on all the subjects but I know enough to be taken seriously. I can move about without being seen, that is a trick I learned at a very young age, if you were not seen you couldn’t be hurt, beat or made to do things that only the very sick would do to a young boy, except maybe a catholic priest. I have great attention to detail, I notice things that others don’t, and I can pick up on people’s reactions with just a look. I could go on and on to tell you all of the things I have been forced to learn and the things that I have developed over the years just to not get myself hurt. I do show emotion and not just anger, I show fear, when needed, I show joy and happiness when I feel it, I show compassion when it is needed.

I have learned to take a punch and give as well as I get in return, I have also been beaten but I can guarantee that the person I was fighting will never do it more than once. I tend to put myself in situations that could put me in considerable trouble.

I want to change that I know longer want to be like this I want to stop causing conflict and not put myself in the same type of situations where I will need to verbally and or physically hurt another person. I feel like I have control of that, I understand a bit, not much but a bit of control over what I say, what I do and how I compose myself and carry myself. You see I am changing, and I want to tell you all about what actually happened to me as a child but I am afraid that no one will understand the things that happened to me…..

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Just a little lonely…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 30, 2013 by dankline2000

You see I don’t want to be alone, I can’t be alone, and I just cannot stand it. I hate the feeling that it creates inside of me. But on the other hand how can I be with another human being, we all know how fallible I am, we all know my strengths and weaknesses. I am not a very stable person am I? I am a hard person to be with, I go through a wide range of emotions and even though most women want a sometimes want a man who can show his emotions, I don’t think that they are going to be able to handle that in me. I get scared because I know this about myself and when I see the twinkle in a woman’s eyes when she looks at me I know in my heart and head that nothing good will come of it so I look away, I literally turn my head so that I don’t inadvertently give her some kind of signal that it will be ok to come and talk to me. Am I exaggerating, no. I cannot allow someone to get that close again, first how do I explain who, what and how I am, it should be no secret it not something I want them to find out about on their own. So I figure that I will remain single till I get it figured out, not that I will anytime soon. So what do I do about feeling lonely, buy a dog, get a cat, start a farm? Well I can’t do that either not on disability. I am running out of options here my wonderful online family and am looking for answers to questions that seem to be unanswerable. I need someone, someone just to talk to…..

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Guesses…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 29, 2013 by dankline2000

You never saw me, not really, not like you should have.....

You never saw me, not really, not like you should have…..

If you look at me and don’t see me did you really ever see me,

I am a ghost, a whisper of the past, a memory of a memory, faint and light on the edges of your mind,

I pass from synapse to synapse, from electricity to thought in no more than an infinite moment in time,

If you look at me and don’t see me will you ever really see me,

Guesses, happenstance, hypothetical, theory, speculation this is all that you see,

Blindness is a subjective art that has been mastered, and completed,

No you don’t see me I don’t think you have ever looked at me, not even once.

Music…..

Posted in Music with tags on January 27, 2013 by dankline2000

Music Ya’ll…..

Posted in Music with tags on January 27, 2013 by dankline2000

Music Time…..

Posted in Music with tags on January 27, 2013 by dankline2000

Me it is just me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 24, 2013 by dankline2000

Me it is just me.....

Me it is just me…..

 

Can you see me? I am right here…..