The start of telling the truth…..

I talk a bit about child abuse in this post, beware in the future i will be telling more…..

I sit and wonder if perhaps my entire life was one big experiment, if perhaps as a child I was forced to endure things that were to prepare me for worse things in my future, you see I find that what I endured as a child and as a teenager were training, training for me to perhaps take the place of my father. I found out so much about him in the beginning of my military career and understand that they asked me more than once if I would walk down the same path as my father. I couldn’t you see it is not in me, but that doesn’t mean that the things that were done to me didn’t remain, that it didn’t impact my life in oh so many various ways. I am able to tell when someone is lying to me, I know when that person is also telling the truth, I am able to fit into my different social situations, I know just enough about many things that I can fit in anywhere, I know what to wear as to not seem out of place never more than on the fringes but accepted anyhow. I can talk and enter into conversation with just about anyone and actually have something to add to the conversation and understand what is being talked about around me, I don’t have all the knowledge on all the subjects but I know enough to be taken seriously. I can move about without being seen, that is a trick I learned at a very young age, if you were not seen you couldn’t be hurt, beat or made to do things that only the very sick would do to a young boy, except maybe a catholic priest. I have great attention to detail, I notice things that others don’t, and I can pick up on people’s reactions with just a look. I could go on and on to tell you all of the things I have been forced to learn and the things that I have developed over the years just to not get myself hurt. I do show emotion and not just anger, I show fear, when needed, I show joy and happiness when I feel it, I show compassion when it is needed.

I have learned to take a punch and give as well as I get in return, I have also been beaten but I can guarantee that the person I was fighting will never do it more than once. I tend to put myself in situations that could put me in considerable trouble.

I want to change that I know longer want to be like this I want to stop causing conflict and not put myself in the same type of situations where I will need to verbally and or physically hurt another person. I feel like I have control of that, I understand a bit, not much but a bit of control over what I say, what I do and how I compose myself and carry myself. You see I am changing, and I want to tell you all about what actually happened to me as a child but I am afraid that no one will understand the things that happened to me…..

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Just a little lonely…..

You see I don’t want to be alone, I can’t be alone, and I just cannot stand it. I hate the feeling that it creates inside of me. But on the other hand how can I be with another human being, we all know how fallible I am, we all know my strengths and weaknesses. I am not a very stable person am I? I am a hard person to be with, I go through a wide range of emotions and even though most women want a sometimes want a man who can show his emotions, I don’t think that they are going to be able to handle that in me. I get scared because I know this about myself and when I see the twinkle in a woman’s eyes when she looks at me I know in my heart and head that nothing good will come of it so I look away, I literally turn my head so that I don’t inadvertently give her some kind of signal that it will be ok to come and talk to me. Am I exaggerating, no. I cannot allow someone to get that close again, first how do I explain who, what and how I am, it should be no secret it not something I want them to find out about on their own. So I figure that I will remain single till I get it figured out, not that I will anytime soon. So what do I do about feeling lonely, buy a dog, get a cat, start a farm? Well I can’t do that either not on disability. I am running out of options here my wonderful online family and am looking for answers to questions that seem to be unanswerable. I need someone, someone just to talk to…..

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Guesses…..

You never saw me, not really, not like you should have…..

If you look at me and don’t see me did you really ever see me,

I am a ghost, a whisper of the past, a memory of a memory, faint and light on the edges of your mind,

I pass from synapse to synapse, from electricity to thought in no more than an infinite moment in time,

If you look at me and don’t see me will you ever really see me,

Guesses, happenstance, hypothetical, theory, speculation this is all that you see,

Blindness is a subjective art that has been mastered, and completed,

No you don’t see me I don’t think you have ever looked at me, not even once.

Music…..

Music Ya’ll…..

Music Time…..

Me it is just me…..

Me it is just me…..

 

Can you see me? I am right here…..

Jesus Dan, stop it…..

What is it that I am supposed to do? Why can’t it just stop, just quit running through my head, sounding over and over again like a clarion horn, it is so loud that I cannot shut it out, make me stop feeling please, make me care no longer, it isn’t going to matter to her at all, don’t let me call her, don’t let me text her, please don’t let me think about her at all. Does no one really understand that I am hurting, that I am alone and scared? Can you not hear my screams for recognition in the wind? I just want it to stop can you not understand that, I don’t want to feel for her what I feel. It won’t go away and I can’t make it stop, I have tried everything, and now I just want it to stop, please just stop I cannot handle it anymore. It hurts, it physically hurts, it mentally hurts, and it emotionally hurts. Please rip my heart and my mind from my body, leave me there to stop trembling from the pain and the hurt I feel. Don’t you understand I can’t stop; I have to keep trying I know that somewhere after the all that has happened and will happen that you will be there. I want you to be there, I want you to care for me. I want you to be mine, the one for me.

With much thanks and gratitude,

Dan Kline

A walk into the darkness that is my mind…..

walking in the mind, waiting in the dark, i can smell your fear…..

I have your scent, the smell of your fear; I can hear your breathing short, shallow and full of fear. You cannot see me, you cannot hear me and yet I follow, I follow closely. I am the shadows in your life, I am everything that you fear and more, you cannot defeat me you can never win. I am the smoke in the darkness that is unidentifiable to you, wondering if what you really see is true, it is. I am the fear in the dark when you wake suddenly and wonder just for a moment if you are awake or still asleep. I am in your dreams where you are running and running and yet you can never seem to get away from what it is you are running from, it is me, can you tell it is me, can you see it is me, every fiber of your being screams that it cannot be true and yet I am the darkness brought into your life. Shadow, fear, sudden movements out of the corner of your eye. You think you see but you really can’t tell can you, is it me or is it really a shadow stepping from the doorways in your life?

I have a smell to me ask, and it will be described to you in detail, the one knows it and still smells it now, can you smell it in the air around you, does it clog your nostrils, clog in the back of your throat? What do you do you scream in your head, how do I escape, can I escape what it is that I fear the most. You lied, you threatened, and you attacked verbally. Now it is my turn, my turn to put you back in your place. I smell you, you bringer of lies and half truths, you user of things that you have no understanding of, you brought things to the table that can never be taken off. I smell you liar, you smell and stink of the fear of me, you tremble of the very thought that I am right there, right beside you at the turn in the road. Next to you in the store where you shop, I am the person who holds the door for you as you enter the gas station for your coffee. See the pattern? See the fear that this brings out in you? I have you, I have always had you from the first moment, you see you provided the wrong information, you used another’s name, I have talked with them and they are not happy to be involved with this, you were so wrong about that. I went to where they are they don’t know me but they know you now and not from before.

You see I see you a half of man, a stranger in a strange place. I am revenge, I am strength and I am right, you see I have what you want it is mine and will always be mine, I was there before you and all you will ever taste on her lips is me, strange but true, when you lay with her you have to wonder is it really me that she is thinking of, would she rather it be me, in her mind is she really calling my name, I don’t have to wonder I already know. But you see this is all a story of fiction it can’t really be true can it, because you have only seen me in pictures, you know of me very little. But you see I know all about you, the things in your past that others deny, don’t want to believe, but I know you coward, liar, and user of women.

To all this is a work of fiction this story belongs to no one I know, you see these people don’t exist in the real world they are only in my mind, you should see what I can do with my mind, and it is not very nice. This is all fantasy. It is a very intriguing fantasy one I have made for myself. It comes with the territory of my mind, vast, large and imposing and full of changes and ideas that never seem to cease. I smell you and it is the smell of fear and defeat.

With much thanks and gratitude,

Dan Kline

What no one wants to know…..

This is what you have, nothing

I want to be so mean, I want to yell shout and rage at everyone. I understand the way things are, I understand that it is wrong but tell me, please tell me that what you are doing is right that you can go from being who you were to the person you are now. It does matter, it does hurt, and it does wound and never scar and heal. To really go from what was and what could be to this, this person who you say you know better than me and yet you haven’t seen him since fifth grade, to this person who you say you already love. Me I know it is me, I cannot believe that you didn’t see me, I cannot believe that you didn’t try. I was what I needed to be, I am a different person, but I am still angry, hurt and full of despair. You see it is a natural response to the situation that I am in and can do nothing about. It doesn’t matter how much I have changed or even the reasons why, I even told you, and yet not once did you even listen, yes you were there in the same room as me, but you were still looking and listening for the old me and it seems that, that is only what you want to see or hear, it is the only thing you see or hear. Could you ever see the real me, no and do you now get the chance to see the real me, no. All you get is what you see and hear the anger, the words of hurt, and the disappointment of never knowing. Yes I want to scream in your face and tell you that what is happening is wrong, will that matter. Only in the point that is what you remember about me, it is what you expect. You would be wrong even though you think I am being hurtful, angry even today, for some it would seem that I am having a primal reaction to what is going on, yes once you were mine and we were in love and loved each other, now another has encroached into my perceived territory and it has set off all kinds of warnings, anger and hurt. I know what you would say if you actually read this, you would say it is all water under the bridge, I have been hurt too much. But you see another has had this primal reaction of the same sort he thinks I am encroaching on his territory and it has set off all kinds of triggers for him also, so you see it is like this, two alpha males squaring off in the Serengeti and circling one another looking for weaknesses, I have none, and all I see in this other is weakness, lies and fear. You see it is very clear, crystal even, but can you see, no. It is done I will go off in search of better, more able opponent; this one is not worth my attention. I have never and will not threaten this man, I have and will never lay a hand on this man he is not worthy, he is weak and afraid. One day this will turn around on you, I pray that this never happens to you again, but when it does and it will what will you do?

Will I be nice to you even though you have created more hurt for me in the last week than I have had in a very long time, no? Will I take comfort knowing that this will fall apart like a rotten log, no. I will not ever support you again, I will not brace up your scared and fragile psyche again, I will never help you gain the courage and resourcefulness that you have found with me, I will never support you to once more stand up for yourself and tell the world that you will not take this anymore. You know what EDGE TO ME…..

To all, this is not very nice nor is it very supportive of the woman who bore my child; it is angry, hurtful and full of revenge. I will not ever let her be the one who gains my love, attention or support, that is for another if they want it. I am hoping that she does. You see she has nothing, nothing to actually say to me that matters, why? Really at this point what could she have to say to me that isn’t going to be hurtful or malicious, she has completely removed me from her life except where Dylan is concerned.

Yes you will say that I was to blame and you know what I am still taking full responsibility for what I have done. Yes what I did was wrong; I will not repeat it again. But look whit your eyes, listen with your ears, feel with your heart and you will see what truly needed to be seen, and that is me…..