Archive for July, 2012

Do you think I am random…..

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2012 by dankline2000

Do you think maybe I am wrong? That I am not exactly who I seem to be? I don’t know who I am anymore I have become even more undefined, translucent if you will. I flow from one minute to the next with no expectations, no obligations, and no idea what it will bring. I am so far away from myself that I can barely recognize me, who I am now. I pretend that I am ok that I can handle all the things that are going on at once, truth be told I am not even able to handle my own thoughts let alone what is being asked of me, don’t they know, don’t you know that I am unable to do this, I said I could, I said that I would do what is needed, but you see it is only pretend, I am pretending to do what I am supposed to be doing, putting on another mask to let you all know that I am here when needed, when in truth it is I who needs, I am falling slowly between the cracks of reality and fantasy, is that what this is? Nothing but me playing a game with all of you? I have played my role to the max, it is the best performance you will ever see, as I walk around and talk to the others in my head telling them, telling me that it is going to be alright, when all I want to do is run and hide in the woods or in a dark empty warehouse so still and empty that I will notice all the things that move within my area, I am not able to get across on this blog all that I need to, I feel a fraud, a dupe, a miscreant from hell. I read and I feel so much of what all of you say and yet I feel I am not being honest with you, the fear and the anger and the let downs I feel are not translating as well as I thought they would, to tell you I am angry is one thing but can I really tell you what I am angry about? What is it that I fear, I know what I fear but can I fully get you to grasp what it is that I fear? I don’t feel real, I don’t feel like me and that scares me, I don’t want to fade away into another role another person ever again, I want to be me, scared, lost, little me.

I have met my end, and it is not here yet but it is coming fast, and it will be dangerous, I can already feel the cold hands upon my shoulders, I know the feel of those hands, they are dry, smooth, slender fingers of a man that only works with his hands a part of the time, I know if I look at the finger nails each one is trimmed to the exact same length as each and every other finger on the hand, you can smell the hair cream he used, the same one he has been using since he was a greaser on the streets of San Bernardino, California.  You ever get the feeling that someone is right behind you and you know if you turn around you will be dead, I am not turning around, he can’t make me, all he can do is wait till I get tired of his presence and turn around to face him for the final time. Will he win, will I die if I face him now, is this what he and I want to turn around and look him full in the face and say if you can take me then try, I don’t even know if I will fight him, I don’t even know if I want to.

My mind is falling to far too fast to keep up, with the events going on around me, I make shit up as I go along, to make the world see me as the person it needs to see me as.

Do you see me, am I real, or am I real or just another aspect that has taken over years ago, is this really me? Am I say I am who I am, or do I have myself confused with someone who used to be and that person couldn’t handle it and they stepped back but I had to step forward into the light to take control and now the real man inside of me is but a shadow of his former self a hollow shell. I can’t see me anymore, all I see are the masks that I put on to show the others in my life that I can do this, I can live this life. But I really don’t know if I can, you see I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be me anymore, let one of the others take over, what will it hurt, they might just do a better job at this than I ever did.

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I start my vacation tomorrow…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by dankline2000

I start my vacation tomorrow.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

I have to be…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by dankline2000

Well I said I quit but guess what? I can’t quit because without me we cease to exist, I have to muddle through it the best I can apparently. I have and will still do the duties that my offices, the many of them required of me, I can think of many a better person to do it than I, but I am it. I have to be a husband, a father, a lover and all the things that I have to be, I cannot quit.

i have to be all the things i need to be for her

We have to do the things that we can

We have to help with the cares, worries, hopes and dreams of our family

We have to be the strong one for as long as is needed

We have to be strong

We have to be

Of all the things I thought I would be in my life none of these things came up until they happened, I wasn’t going to be a husband, not if it was like what my parents were like, I wasn’t going to be a father just in case I treated my children the same way I was treated. I never dreamed of all the things I would have to be in my life, in the beginning there was only me to take care of now I am the care taker, and you know what I really don’t mind, I thought I would but I don’t. I am the father to five wonderful if not very attentive children and 2 of them weren’t even mine, but they call me Dad. I am a husband who loves his wife dearly and has to be the strong one for a change, and well at first and even up till a couple of days ago I resented that whole heartedly, but now I see that for the last 13.5 years she has been the strong one for me that whole time and never once got angry or decided to quit, I know I am not as strong emotionally or mentally as she is but I have to, no I want to be there for her, and I cannot give up. I am a lover who loves very deeply and feels very deeply for his wife, I still find her attractive and beautiful even right now when she is, well at a low point. I have relied on her strength and determination for the last 13.5 years now she needs to depend on mine and it fled, fled with the very thought that I can’t do it, but you see I have been doing it, and doing it since September of last year, I can and will do my best to be strong and determined for her, it is all for her. Because without her I am lost, lost in a crowd of emotions, dangers and fears and harmful thoughts. If I said she was the direction on my compass would that be too corny? If it is then ok I can handle a little constructive criticism.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Fuck you I quit…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

Fuck you I quit, this is my fucking letter of resignation, I am a fucked up father, a horrible son in law and a mediocre husband and that is giving me some, I am not giving you two weeks’ notice I am done right now. I cannot and will not be able to function as an adult any fucking longer; I don’t want to be in charge of anything, not finances, not my wife, not Dylan hell I don’t want to be in charge of myself, I fucking quit. I am no good at this all I seem to do is make things worse, and on top of it all I had to spank my son with a belt for not listening to me for the fourth time in a row about keeping food and bullshit like empty pop cans and fucking hot sauce, I mean what the fuck do you need hot sauce in your bedroom for anyway, SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, THIS WILL BE MY LAST DAY AS A FATHER, HUSBAND, FRIEND AND LOVER BECAUSE I HAVE GONE BATSHIT CRAZY………….

no need for a caption

Movie alert: Boy Wonder

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Films, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

THIS MOVIE CONTAINS SCENES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN A GRAPHIC NATURE WATCH WITH CARE

Ok so I got this movie that I just watched and I have to tell you this is one messed up movie. The movie is called Boy Wonder and I will let you know right from the beginning this is a very powerful movie and deals with domestic violence and violence in and of itself. The movie is about a young boy who at 7 I think witnessed his mother’s death during a carjacking. It goes on from there to some of the things he does, but I will let you watch what this is for yourself, and I in good conscious will not tell you the ending, but will warn you again that this movie is very graphic and violent in nature, I was a child of domestic violence and it triggered me, so please if you watch it be very prepared! Want to know something fucked up it was on my portable hard drive with my other movies and I had given it to Dylan to watch the Lorax by Dr. Seuss and he watched the other movie too, before I did, definitely not a movie for younger people to watch.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456060/?licb=0.42891491623595357

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

BE WARNED THE POSTER SAYS A DANGEROUS NEW SUPERHERO, THIS MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT SUPERHEROS AT ALL BE WARNED

Boy Wonder

Father + Son + Major talk = FAILURE

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

father + son + major talk about life changing advice = FAILURE

So it seems I have failed once again as a father, to impart the advice that my children have asked of me. Dylan just came bursting into my room and said he had fixed part of the nautilus machine downstairs, he wanted me to take a look and I told him that the machine was broken and it was very dangerous to be messing around with, I asked him to come in and sit down. I asked him if he remembered what we talked about the other night, he said yes that it wouldn’t happen overnight, I said that is true, but do you remember anything else, well he got a stumped look on his face and I just said lets go look at how you fixed that part of the machine. So we went downstairs and I looked over the part that he fixed and it was fixed to be sure. I told him that he could use it but to be very careful with it and not let the weights slam together, as I was leaving I asked him if he remembered the one important thing from when we talked, he had no answer, and I said do you even remember anything else from that talk he said he remembered everything, I just shook my head and said no, no you didn’t and I know he didn’t because it wasn’t about lifting weights or really anything else but this, he needed to believe in himself and do the things he thought were right for him and he had to be the one to believe in himself, and to do it for himself, and for nobody else. So it seems I have failed once again to impart the most important advice I could ever give my children, to believe in and to do what is right for them, this could be my fault perhaps I didn’t explain it clear enough for him to understand. All I know is I haven’t felt this let down or disappointed in years, well since it happened the last time anyway. It doesn’t look like he understood any of the advice I gave him, or at least it seems that way to me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to move past this one, he is the last one in the house, I don’t know what to do. I would like to think that I have done right by him, but if he doesn’t get this for himself he will never get it at all. I am going back in my shell, for quite awhile so I am sorry Dylan, I don’t know how to explain it better than I did, I guess I don’t have the words to make you understand how important what I had to tell you is, and I would have liked to have saved you years of your life by figuring it out for yourself like I did, I thought that what I was telling you was sinking in and I had never felt so proud of you than at that moment. But I guess like the rest you will have to understand it for yourself, I am just glad I tried, and I will not try again, it was too hard to do in the first place for you not to remember anything than it won’t happen overnight.

With much regret and sorrow,

Dan Kline

Wearing my feelings on my sleeve…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

hell this dont even fit then post, but it is funny

You know I have been feeling, well frustrated the last several days and have been wearing my feelings on my shirt sleeve and have been taking things that are said and they are hurting my feelings even though they weren’t meant to. I am not sure why I have been this way it is kind of frustrating to say the least. I am worried about this little trip we are taking on Monday the place isn’t far away but I am hoping that Gerri will make it ok and even enjoy herself a little and maybe put a little pep in her step, that is one of the big things I am worried over, and the other is the bed, I really don’t think we should buy this adjustable bed, I think I need to go back and get the one I had already picked out, besides I really don’t have the energy to go get a money order and overnight it to them I just don’t really care anymore about it, and I have dropped it in Gerri’s lap, like she can really do anything about it, it isn’t like she can drive to go get the money order and mail it herself, she just can’t. So kind of a dick move on my part. But really I just don’t really care about anything I think it is called ambivalence yep that is what it is with a dash of indifference thrown in. I feel like everything I have done over the last few weeks isn’t appreciated the little things I have been doing have felt like to me they aren’t as appreciated as they once were, and really I rationally don’t think that is the problem. But that is the way I have been feeling. Now I get the feeling that it is sort of expected from me, and that is not how it is supposed to work, hell I am even getting it from Dylan, it’s like he expects me to buy and get him things, and I and I mean I don’t feel that it is appreciated. I have run my ass all over the south end of this city for over a week now, doing things that need to be done and some that were not needed at all. I have looked for everything that I think might help Gerri get better, I have made arrangements for a small vacation and (remind me to cancel the cabin before the 13th so they don’t charge my credit card) have done and gotten everything for that except groceries. I am tired, and worn out still, I didn’t sleep well last night, or if I did I sure don’t feel like it.

I do understand that my wife is not well, I hate calling her sick so unwell it is, and I know that maybe she has been focusing on herself to try and get better and that I will sometimes get less attention than I would if she were well. I really do understand it and I can accept it with all I have, and maybe I am the one that needs to self comfort, don’t know that I really know how but I can learn, I guess. Perhaps I should start doing some things that make me happy, I really want to do tai-chi and haven’t really looked to hard into it I don’t want to start something and then run out of money and not be able to continue, did you know there are 108 beginners moves, that is just at the beginner level so I don’t know if that means 108 classes or what, I guess I need to find out. I think I saw a place on Preston that has tai-chi so perhaps I should get up off my ass and go and look the place over and find out what I need to at least begin, even if I only get 10-12 classes under my belt I can still practice them for myself and I have been listening to meditations for sleep almost every night last night I read for a bit then fell asleep. I think that is what I will do, end this post and go and see if that place is even open and see what I need to begin.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline