Archive for July, 2012

Do you think I am random…..

Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2012 by dankline2000

Do you think maybe I am wrong? That I am not exactly who I seem to be? I don’t know who I am anymore I have become even more undefined, translucent if you will. I flow from one minute to the next with no expectations, no obligations, and no idea what it will bring. I am so far away from myself that I can barely recognize me, who I am now. I pretend that I am ok that I can handle all the things that are going on at once, truth be told I am not even able to handle my own thoughts let alone what is being asked of me, don’t they know, don’t you know that I am unable to do this, I said I could, I said that I would do what is needed, but you see it is only pretend, I am pretending to do what I am supposed to be doing, putting on another mask to let you all know that I am here when needed, when in truth it is I who needs, I am falling slowly between the cracks of reality and fantasy, is that what this is? Nothing but me playing a game with all of you? I have played my role to the max, it is the best performance you will ever see, as I walk around and talk to the others in my head telling them, telling me that it is going to be alright, when all I want to do is run and hide in the woods or in a dark empty warehouse so still and empty that I will notice all the things that move within my area, I am not able to get across on this blog all that I need to, I feel a fraud, a dupe, a miscreant from hell. I read and I feel so much of what all of you say and yet I feel I am not being honest with you, the fear and the anger and the let downs I feel are not translating as well as I thought they would, to tell you I am angry is one thing but can I really tell you what I am angry about? What is it that I fear, I know what I fear but can I fully get you to grasp what it is that I fear? I don’t feel real, I don’t feel like me and that scares me, I don’t want to fade away into another role another person ever again, I want to be me, scared, lost, little me.

I have met my end, and it is not here yet but it is coming fast, and it will be dangerous, I can already feel the cold hands upon my shoulders, I know the feel of those hands, they are dry, smooth, slender fingers of a man that only works with his hands a part of the time, I know if I look at the finger nails each one is trimmed to the exact same length as each and every other finger on the hand, you can smell the hair cream he used, the same one he has been using since he was a greaser on the streets of San Bernardino, California.  You ever get the feeling that someone is right behind you and you know if you turn around you will be dead, I am not turning around, he can’t make me, all he can do is wait till I get tired of his presence and turn around to face him for the final time. Will he win, will I die if I face him now, is this what he and I want to turn around and look him full in the face and say if you can take me then try, I don’t even know if I will fight him, I don’t even know if I want to.

My mind is falling to far too fast to keep up, with the events going on around me, I make shit up as I go along, to make the world see me as the person it needs to see me as.

Do you see me, am I real, or am I real or just another aspect that has taken over years ago, is this really me? Am I say I am who I am, or do I have myself confused with someone who used to be and that person couldn’t handle it and they stepped back but I had to step forward into the light to take control and now the real man inside of me is but a shadow of his former self a hollow shell. I can’t see me anymore, all I see are the masks that I put on to show the others in my life that I can do this, I can live this life. But I really don’t know if I can, you see I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be me anymore, let one of the others take over, what will it hurt, they might just do a better job at this than I ever did.

I start my vacation tomorrow…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by dankline2000

I start my vacation tomorrow.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

I have to be…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by dankline2000

Well I said I quit but guess what? I can’t quit because without me we cease to exist, I have to muddle through it the best I can apparently. I have and will still do the duties that my offices, the many of them required of me, I can think of many a better person to do it than I, but I am it. I have to be a husband, a father, a lover and all the things that I have to be, I cannot quit.

i have to be all the things i need to be for her

We have to do the things that we can

We have to help with the cares, worries, hopes and dreams of our family

We have to be the strong one for as long as is needed

We have to be strong

We have to be

Of all the things I thought I would be in my life none of these things came up until they happened, I wasn’t going to be a husband, not if it was like what my parents were like, I wasn’t going to be a father just in case I treated my children the same way I was treated. I never dreamed of all the things I would have to be in my life, in the beginning there was only me to take care of now I am the care taker, and you know what I really don’t mind, I thought I would but I don’t. I am the father to five wonderful if not very attentive children and 2 of them weren’t even mine, but they call me Dad. I am a husband who loves his wife dearly and has to be the strong one for a change, and well at first and even up till a couple of days ago I resented that whole heartedly, but now I see that for the last 13.5 years she has been the strong one for me that whole time and never once got angry or decided to quit, I know I am not as strong emotionally or mentally as she is but I have to, no I want to be there for her, and I cannot give up. I am a lover who loves very deeply and feels very deeply for his wife, I still find her attractive and beautiful even right now when she is, well at a low point. I have relied on her strength and determination for the last 13.5 years now she needs to depend on mine and it fled, fled with the very thought that I can’t do it, but you see I have been doing it, and doing it since September of last year, I can and will do my best to be strong and determined for her, it is all for her. Because without her I am lost, lost in a crowd of emotions, dangers and fears and harmful thoughts. If I said she was the direction on my compass would that be too corny? If it is then ok I can handle a little constructive criticism.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Fuck you I quit…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

Fuck you I quit, this is my fucking letter of resignation, I am a fucked up father, a horrible son in law and a mediocre husband and that is giving me some, I am not giving you two weeks’ notice I am done right now. I cannot and will not be able to function as an adult any fucking longer; I don’t want to be in charge of anything, not finances, not my wife, not Dylan hell I don’t want to be in charge of myself, I fucking quit. I am no good at this all I seem to do is make things worse, and on top of it all I had to spank my son with a belt for not listening to me for the fourth time in a row about keeping food and bullshit like empty pop cans and fucking hot sauce, I mean what the fuck do you need hot sauce in your bedroom for anyway, SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, THIS WILL BE MY LAST DAY AS A FATHER, HUSBAND, FRIEND AND LOVER BECAUSE I HAVE GONE BATSHIT CRAZY………….

no need for a caption

Movie alert: Boy Wonder

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Films, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000


Ok so I got this movie that I just watched and I have to tell you this is one messed up movie. The movie is called Boy Wonder and I will let you know right from the beginning this is a very powerful movie and deals with domestic violence and violence in and of itself. The movie is about a young boy who at 7 I think witnessed his mother’s death during a carjacking. It goes on from there to some of the things he does, but I will let you watch what this is for yourself, and I in good conscious will not tell you the ending, but will warn you again that this movie is very graphic and violent in nature, I was a child of domestic violence and it triggered me, so please if you watch it be very prepared! Want to know something fucked up it was on my portable hard drive with my other movies and I had given it to Dylan to watch the Lorax by Dr. Seuss and he watched the other movie too, before I did, definitely not a movie for younger people to watch.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


Boy Wonder

Father + Son + Major talk = FAILURE

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

father + son + major talk about life changing advice = FAILURE

So it seems I have failed once again as a father, to impart the advice that my children have asked of me. Dylan just came bursting into my room and said he had fixed part of the nautilus machine downstairs, he wanted me to take a look and I told him that the machine was broken and it was very dangerous to be messing around with, I asked him to come in and sit down. I asked him if he remembered what we talked about the other night, he said yes that it wouldn’t happen overnight, I said that is true, but do you remember anything else, well he got a stumped look on his face and I just said lets go look at how you fixed that part of the machine. So we went downstairs and I looked over the part that he fixed and it was fixed to be sure. I told him that he could use it but to be very careful with it and not let the weights slam together, as I was leaving I asked him if he remembered the one important thing from when we talked, he had no answer, and I said do you even remember anything else from that talk he said he remembered everything, I just shook my head and said no, no you didn’t and I know he didn’t because it wasn’t about lifting weights or really anything else but this, he needed to believe in himself and do the things he thought were right for him and he had to be the one to believe in himself, and to do it for himself, and for nobody else. So it seems I have failed once again to impart the most important advice I could ever give my children, to believe in and to do what is right for them, this could be my fault perhaps I didn’t explain it clear enough for him to understand. All I know is I haven’t felt this let down or disappointed in years, well since it happened the last time anyway. It doesn’t look like he understood any of the advice I gave him, or at least it seems that way to me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to move past this one, he is the last one in the house, I don’t know what to do. I would like to think that I have done right by him, but if he doesn’t get this for himself he will never get it at all. I am going back in my shell, for quite awhile so I am sorry Dylan, I don’t know how to explain it better than I did, I guess I don’t have the words to make you understand how important what I had to tell you is, and I would have liked to have saved you years of your life by figuring it out for yourself like I did, I thought that what I was telling you was sinking in and I had never felt so proud of you than at that moment. But I guess like the rest you will have to understand it for yourself, I am just glad I tried, and I will not try again, it was too hard to do in the first place for you not to remember anything than it won’t happen overnight.

With much regret and sorrow,

Dan Kline

Wearing my feelings on my sleeve…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 28, 2012 by dankline2000

hell this dont even fit then post, but it is funny

You know I have been feeling, well frustrated the last several days and have been wearing my feelings on my shirt sleeve and have been taking things that are said and they are hurting my feelings even though they weren’t meant to. I am not sure why I have been this way it is kind of frustrating to say the least. I am worried about this little trip we are taking on Monday the place isn’t far away but I am hoping that Gerri will make it ok and even enjoy herself a little and maybe put a little pep in her step, that is one of the big things I am worried over, and the other is the bed, I really don’t think we should buy this adjustable bed, I think I need to go back and get the one I had already picked out, besides I really don’t have the energy to go get a money order and overnight it to them I just don’t really care anymore about it, and I have dropped it in Gerri’s lap, like she can really do anything about it, it isn’t like she can drive to go get the money order and mail it herself, she just can’t. So kind of a dick move on my part. But really I just don’t really care about anything I think it is called ambivalence yep that is what it is with a dash of indifference thrown in. I feel like everything I have done over the last few weeks isn’t appreciated the little things I have been doing have felt like to me they aren’t as appreciated as they once were, and really I rationally don’t think that is the problem. But that is the way I have been feeling. Now I get the feeling that it is sort of expected from me, and that is not how it is supposed to work, hell I am even getting it from Dylan, it’s like he expects me to buy and get him things, and I and I mean I don’t feel that it is appreciated. I have run my ass all over the south end of this city for over a week now, doing things that need to be done and some that were not needed at all. I have looked for everything that I think might help Gerri get better, I have made arrangements for a small vacation and (remind me to cancel the cabin before the 13th so they don’t charge my credit card) have done and gotten everything for that except groceries. I am tired, and worn out still, I didn’t sleep well last night, or if I did I sure don’t feel like it.

I do understand that my wife is not well, I hate calling her sick so unwell it is, and I know that maybe she has been focusing on herself to try and get better and that I will sometimes get less attention than I would if she were well. I really do understand it and I can accept it with all I have, and maybe I am the one that needs to self comfort, don’t know that I really know how but I can learn, I guess. Perhaps I should start doing some things that make me happy, I really want to do tai-chi and haven’t really looked to hard into it I don’t want to start something and then run out of money and not be able to continue, did you know there are 108 beginners moves, that is just at the beginner level so I don’t know if that means 108 classes or what, I guess I need to find out. I think I saw a place on Preston that has tai-chi so perhaps I should get up off my ass and go and look the place over and find out what I need to at least begin, even if I only get 10-12 classes under my belt I can still practice them for myself and I have been listening to meditations for sleep almost every night last night I read for a bit then fell asleep. I think that is what I will do, end this post and go and see if that place is even open and see what I need to begin.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Well tis about time I can get out fer a bit…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Books I have read, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Friendship, Guilt, Knights Tedmplar, Music, Poetry, PTSD, Religion, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2012 by dankline2000

well it do look like me after a hard day o riding or fightin or maybe drinking

Oy, does anyone know what then little buttons on the side im supposed to click, I am supposed to click them right, what am I asking fer now ya havent even read the damn thing yet, oh well I will push them all. HAR. Knights Templar I were thinking we werent supposed to talk about them? I’m just hopin I did this right, been a while since I wrote one o these damn things, ow am I supposed to remember all this nonsense?

Well I don know rightly if I should write fer Dan or not, he is out on a bit of a holiday fer now, and rightly he deserves it to say the least. Like I been replying all night fer the little bastard he done and went and wore heself out doing all that damn running in the heat over the last week or so, no man should ave to be out in that there heat fer very long, hmm memory response in the old fingers when we type, actually wants to spell werds the way he would but he cant cause I am in charge fer a bit. What a lark him actually typing the way I speak, or am I typing the way I speak, ok that there boggles the mind a bit. Don tell im but I snuck a few o hes snacks from the kitchen, I like them there Nutty Bars, they are good and tasty, that they are. Hey whats say we talk about Dan while he is gone, I’m not talking anything big but something that is maybe funny or embarrassing but wont cause too much anger in the boy, he kinda deserves it fer the other day anyhow, well lets see what we can do about this, he has had the same sorts of things happen to him that others ave, you know like being pants on high school, but he did beat the crap out of the guy, and he did lose es swimming trunks in the public pool one time, and then there was the time when he were at an away game playing hockey and went to moon a passing car and got hes ass cheeks frosted to the window glass o the bus, that were funnier than hell cause he had to force hes cheeks offin the window without any warm water and he lost a few layers o ass skin fer that one, har that were a good one to be sure. But what else has happened to Dan that might be embarrassing to im, I am gonna ave to think bout this a little, well really there aint much cepting fer the few things I already told ye, he did very well at hes bootcamp training and was a damn fine soldier, fought with honor that he did, made me proud to be a part o him, or he a part o me. Oh he did step on his junior prom dates dress and rip it offin her young little body and she was left standing in her panties, but wait that weren’t so embarrassing to im and more ta her, so that won work. Well hells bells I really cant think o nothing so I am gonna end this, it is beginning to be more like werk than I like, now give me a good brawl and a pint o ale or mead, I do luv me some mead and I am a happy little blighter to say the least, they don ave mead in the US though I might find er in a micro brewery had to use a bit o Dan s brain fer that one couldn’t remember what the hell it were called, so then I am off ye fine lads and lasses, ave yerself a good evening and a great morrow. Damn I didna write about a damn thing did I?


I am a Hypocrite

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 26, 2012 by dankline2000

thats me right there, pay attention to meaning number 2

There is no way around it anymore, I am a hypocrite, a down right, lower than a snake belly hypocrite. When I started this site it was all about a place to voice my opinion and how I felt no matter what others had to say or not say about it, and then there I am checking my stats like a hound dog, I have been worried that what I am writing is not what people want to hear and I was starting to worry about my stats, hits, comments, refers, top posts of the day, clicks, well all of it has become a concern for me over the last few days. I had the feeling I was letting all of you down for not writing what you wanted to read, but tonight after I had written the post about my son I realized that it is still about me, and how am I really supposed to know what you might want to read about, right I am not you I am Dan and several others, who actually have talked to me today, hooray for me. I don’t think it really matters to anyone if I put a song out there I like or if I write a 5 word post or a 50,000 word post, and I don’t think that content is really of a concern. I need to write here what I want not what I think other people want, it seems I have changed a bit form being about me to wondering how many hits I will get for my next post. Well I am done with that again it seems. I am really here for me and if you want to tag along then you are more than welcome to tag along, be glad for the company. See the thing is that you don’t have to read what I write but you do and I am thank full for that, and you don’t have to worry over my silly ass old songs from the 80’s, but you do, I am thank full for that too. You don’t have to read about my family, my problems, my other aspects or even if I have done anything today, but you do, and I am grateful for that. You see that is the point about this, just like I told my son only you can do it for you, don’t you think I should take my own advice on this, yes. I had to put this out here for everyone to read to let them and myself know, I need to be true to myself and just write what I feel, and not that I haven’t been doing that, but for some damn reason I was checking my stats, I am ashamed of myself, this is not what this was meant for, it was meant for me to write about me and my feelings not to see if I become the super star of word press, I am too long winded for that anyway and I do tend to prattle on and lose track of what I am writing about like what I am doing right now. I have said it numerous times over the several posts, I AM TIRED PEOPLE, AND I CANT SEEM TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING, the begin all and end all of statements for me.

With many apologies and determination,

Dan Kline

A talk with my son, actually I am spilling the beans to his mother, but tell no one…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Friendship, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 26, 2012 by dankline2000

sorry it is an old picture, but this is my boy

See I don’t want to start this post in the usual way that I normally do with words like so, and or I am, this is kind of a post about telling secrets without actually voicing the words because I was sworn not to tell his mother about what we talked about last night my son asked me not to tell his mother, well I am being a little sneaky and underhanded but technically he didn’t say I couldn’t blog about it so I am, knowing that his mother reads my blog, and I am not physically telling her anything and I am not even blogging to her, I am blogging in general to all of my friends not just her, ok I think we all get the point I am making so on with the telling already. Sheesh already running off at the mouth aint he.

So I went school clothes shopping with my son yesterday and we were getting uniforms for his school, making sure he had the right color pants and shirts, oh and remind me to go back and get some long sleeve ones for winter, alright I am getting on with the story, so I asked him what size pants he was wearing and he said heck I don’t know so I looked at the back of his pants and they said 33×28 cool that was easy or so I thought, we go through and find all the polo shirts in all the right colors and size then we have to have a certain type of pants, no cargo, no extra pockets and so on, well that took a minute for us to find but we did and I grabbed a pair of 33×28 Dickies pants and said go try them on, well he didn’t want to but with a little dad type persasusion he decide it would be a good idea to try them on, so I am standing there waiting and I finally go over to the fitting room and say how do they fit, they don’t, ok so I grab a pair of 34×28 and give them to him, they didn’t fit either, ok so I gave him a pair of 36×28 pants and all of them are in the men’s section and he tried them on and I said what about now, and he said yep they fit, cool we are in the green now and only went to one place to get his uniforms so I grab 6 pairs of pants in different colors that is for his school and we head to the check out, pay and zoom we are gone. So we finish our day of shopping at the mall for shoes we eat and grab some things for mom, and now we are really done and ready to go home, see I really don’t see why you go off and tell something that isn’t really important to the story Dan, you need to get to the point and tell them what happened. Ok so I am a little wordy get over it I am telling a story here, so we get home and this is where I should tell you a little more about my sons physical attributes, that is if no one wants to complain about going off on a tangent, he is 12 and he is probably not even 5 foot tall and well he is, he is chubby, he has a shelf belly just like his older brother Michael, once again not important, bullshit it is cause it tells of what he looks like. His belly starts at his throat and ends right at his waistline so that should give you an idea and he probably hasn’t seen his penis since he got one, ok that was not even the correct thing to say about your son Daniel keep on point and get to the point, how am I supposed to get anything done with all these interruptions, ok so we got home and he is at that height that he doesn’t quite fit into normal length pants so his grandmother hems them for him. So she grabs all the shirts and all the pants and puts them on hangers and pointedly asks me if he tried them on I said yes I was standing right there, ok so she hangs them up and then later she asks Dylan to get a pair of his pants for her to measure the length and she would start hemming them, so in Dylan fashion he drops trousers right in the hallway, did I ever tell you that none of my children especially my daughter and my youngest son have no inhibitions? Well he grabs the pants and pulls them on and he has to lift his belly out of the way and suck in on the rest of his gut to get them snapped, they don’t fit. And well nanny looked at me and said did you see them after he had them on, I said no he was in the little dressing room and he said they fit, and by looking at him and the pants you could tell they didn’t fit, she then said you can’t trust him to tell you if they fit I did it once and they ended up not fitting, so now I look like an ass and his pants don’t fit and I got to go all the way back and exchange them for a size 38×28 men’s pants, you could see the pain in his face as it fell, his feelings were hurt and I wasn’t sure why and I thought at first it was because of what his grandmother had said, so he takes them off and storms to his room and shuts the door, I watched him go thinking there is a problem and I need to find it and fix it the best I can, so after helping nanny put the pants in the bag finding the receipt and getting lectured the whole time, I wasn’t listening my son was upset and I wanted to know why?

So I knock on his door and I walk in and you can see that he is almost in tears and I ask him what is the matter, now usually we do this thing that when he don’t want to talk to me about something I usually let it go but this time I couldn’t so I asked if he was upset with his grandmother he said she sort of hurt his feelings and I said but that isn’t all of it is it, he said no and it took a little bit for me to get it out of him but he finally told me, almost on tears that he was upset because he was only 12 years old and was wearing a man’s 38 pants, my heart broke. So I told him that it was ok and he shook his head and told me he didn’t want to look like both of his older brothers, and I said I understand but what do you want to do about it, he said I don’t know, I said I can give you some advice but that is what I did for your older brothers and they didn’t take my advice, but I will tell you if you want me to. He shook his head and looked at me like I could fix the world, hell I can barely get my own ass out of bed in the morning, do I really have the right to give my son any advice, I did it for his brothers so I will do it for him.

I told him that there was a way to help him feel better and that if he followed my advice and did some simple things it would work in his favor, and asked him again if he wanted me tell him and he said yes. So I said the problem you are having is that you feel you are fat and that you don’t think you should be at 12 wearing a man’s size 38 pants, is that the problem? He said yes. I said ok the first thing I wanted to talk about was what and how much he was eating and when he was eating, and I said all of us do this, most everybody in the world has done this including me, it is called boredom eating, you don’t have anything else to do so you head to the kitchen and bam you got something to do get a snack or eat something and you do and it is usually late at night just before you go to sleep, right? He said yes that he did that and I told him hell son I did it just last night, and we always have something sweet on hand whether it is a cake, cookies, brownies or even store bought junk food, nanny is a baker plain and simple, can’t stop her and can’t tell her not to do it, it is what she does to combat boredom herself. So I asked him about how many times a day do you think you eat. He said one to two times a day, I said there is part of your problem if you only eat once a day and it is dinner what happens, he shrugs so I continue and tell him that you gorge eat, you eat as much as possible because you only fed your body once that day, now I ask him what do we usually do after dinner, he said around on computers or watch TV and then bed. So I say what do you think happens to all the food when you are not active, he said it turns into fat, right I say. So I tell him to make sure that he eats more than one time a day, I don’t care if it breakfast and dinner or lunch and dinner or whatever I told him it would be better for him to eat several small things all day long, it will give him energy and will keep him healthier. I asked if he understood what I was trying to say, he said kind of so I explained it more to him and I also talked to him about portion control, and I asked him when he gets his late night snack usually pizza rolls how many do you get, he said I don’t know a plate full, I said ok so more than twenty, he said yes. Well I said that isn’t portion control you just pile them all on the plate and don’t care how many is there and eat them all, yes. I said one of the best ways to lose weight was portion control, I don’t care what you eat I said but I care about how much you eat of it. He kind of gave me a funny look I could tell he didn’t understand so I said that if you eat smaller amounts more often it is better for your body and digestion than eating twenty or more pizza rolls at 9 in the night, so he kinds of got the idea I am going to have to work with him on that, so I said when you eat how do you know if you are full or not, he said of course when I am done eating, no that is not really right yes you are full when you are done eating but are you over full where you are uncomfortable, he said yes. I told him that when he eats to notice how his stomach feels and when you feel full or comfortable then stop eating, still one more thing we will work on but he is getting the idea and I can see his is thinking about what I am saying. So now I ask him what are some things that he could do to help him lose weight. He said eat less, yes that is one way bit what are some things you can do for yourself to help you lose weight? He said work out, bingo I said how and what would you do to work out, he said I can’t do anything the treadmill doesn’t work and the nautilus machine downstairs is broken, I said is there anything else you could do right here in your own room to help you lose weight, he looked around and said nothing, so I asked him if he remembered what a PRT for the Army was, he shook his head and I told him it was a physical readiness test to see if a soldier was in shape and they gave them periodically as a check and I asked him if he remembered what I did to get ready or stay ready for those tests, he said no, I told him I did sit ups and pushups and that the Army had a standard of how many you were supposed to do to get a good score based on your age, and he asked how many did I have to do to get a good score, I told him 100 pushups and 50 sit ups and run 2.5 miles, and I told him I always screwed the run, my body apparently doesn’t work that way and the Army recognizes that and adjusts your scores accordingly. So I told him that he could do them in his room and for himself, well we went downstairs and was looking at the nautilus machine to see if maybe we could fix it, we can’t cable is broken. So we talked about other things like riding his bike or there was a part of the machine that wasn’t broke where you suspend your own weight and then pull your knees up to your waist or you could use your whole leg and put them out in front of you, I said try it and he did and he couldn’t even hold himself up and he tried and tried till he was out of breath, I said there you know what you were doing he said ya I was trying to get up there, I said nope you were exercising, I said you can come down here all day long and try to get up there and eventually you will get up there and I showed him the correct position to be in when he finally got up there. So we went and sat down by the machine and he said will you work out with me, I said no, and here is the reason why, it isn’t because I don’t want to, it is because of this and only this. You have to do it for you and want to do it for you and nobody else, he said you won’t even push me to do it, I said what like a drill sergeant he said yes, I told him that then he was only doing it because I was screaming in his face for him to do it, and he asked but isn’t that what happened in boot camp, I said yes but that was different they were changing me from a civilian to a soldier.

I finally put it to him like this, I said the only thing in life that will help you is you, now people may do things like this with you but if you are doing it for yourself and know why you are doing it then that will make all the difference in the world, because the only one who can do it is you. I said remember when I went to the hospital for the first time, yes, I said did I do it because I was told to or did I do it because I needed to do it for myself, he said I think you did it for yourself, I said right I had a problem that needed to be fixed and I went to the hospital so that I could fix myself, not your mother or you or anyone else, I did it for me. And you have something that is making you upset right, right, you are upset because you don’t want to be 12 years old and be wearing a size 38 men’s pants right, right. So I said I have given you some advice and I have told you some things that you can do to help you fix the problem for yourself, I said you can choose to take this advice, the same advice I gave to your brothers or not it is your decision, but remember you have to want to change and you have to want to change for you, not me or momma or nanny, only for you, do you understand, yes I guess so, I said that is not an answer it is either you understand or you don’t, and he said he understood. I then told him that only one person in our family has taken my advice about much of anything and that was your sister and it wasn’t about this, and your brothers both came to me with the same problem, he says ya but they are still fat, and I said that was because they didn’t follow the advice I gave them, and I give you the same option I gave them either take the advice and do it or don’t and live with the way you are, and if you are comfortable with you then so am I, I said no never worry I love you no matter what you look like or what you do or if you don’t take my advice, that is not how a dad works, it aint how we roll, no look I have been quiet most of this story and let you tell it the way you would tell it, but you are not ghetto or a gangster and neither id Dylan, so stick to the southern boy way of speaking, damn ok. In the end it is up to him whether he takes what I have told and runs with it or not, the ball is now in his hands, and will see one way or the other, but never ever think that I don’t love my son.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline and friends!