I just had to look…..

Wow it has been so long since I have posted on my blog or even looked at it. It amazes me as I peruse the many things I have written over the years all the anger, the sadness, the confusion, not one thing that really strikes me as being positive. Then it hits me, why did I stop writing, why did I stop communicating in a form that has served me so well, so often? The answer is I don’t know. I ask myself am I really any different than I was then? I would like to think that I am but you see I really haven’t done anything different with my life I still do all those things that I did back then, except I locked myself away from the world. I still spend all of my time away from people unless I actually have to be in contact with them. I am still as angry now as I was then, but somehow it seems different so I guess that is a good change. I still deal with my others but its seems more like we live in comfortable silence with each other, perhaps because I have been isolating all this time. I have to say even when I am around other people I am always isolated, wrapped in my own little cocoon of an emotionless void. I guess in some ways I have changed you see, but in others I am still the very same person that started this blog not understanding what was wrong, why I was like this and how do I live with all of this? I have lived with all of this but still along the way I have lost and I am still losing not only myself but physical things, people I love, things I have owned. I have not felt much of anything for this whole period of time I go day by day just wanting to get this day over with so the next one can begin. Not much change as the days have gone by, what am I looking for? What kind of miracle is it that I am seeking only to really never look for said miracle? God I still ramble just like before, on that I have to smile I never could keep my thoughts from just pouring out while I write, my curse I guess. I want to write on here, I need to write on here. Even if it is the only meaningful interaction I have with other people.

Here it is…..

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Well tis about time I can get out fer a bit…..

well it do look like me after a hard day o riding or fightin or maybe drinking

Oy, does anyone know what then little buttons on the side im supposed to click, I am supposed to click them right, what am I asking fer now ya havent even read the damn thing yet, oh well I will push them all. HAR. Knights Templar I were thinking we werent supposed to talk about them? I’m just hopin I did this right, been a while since I wrote one o these damn things, ow am I supposed to remember all this nonsense?

Well I don know rightly if I should write fer Dan or not, he is out on a bit of a holiday fer now, and rightly he deserves it to say the least. Like I been replying all night fer the little bastard he done and went and wore heself out doing all that damn running in the heat over the last week or so, no man should ave to be out in that there heat fer very long, hmm memory response in the old fingers when we type, actually wants to spell werds the way he would but he cant cause I am in charge fer a bit. What a lark him actually typing the way I speak, or am I typing the way I speak, ok that there boggles the mind a bit. Don tell im but I snuck a few o hes snacks from the kitchen, I like them there Nutty Bars, they are good and tasty, that they are. Hey whats say we talk about Dan while he is gone, I’m not talking anything big but something that is maybe funny or embarrassing but wont cause too much anger in the boy, he kinda deserves it fer the other day anyhow, well lets see what we can do about this, he has had the same sorts of things happen to him that others ave, you know like being pants on high school, but he did beat the crap out of the guy, and he did lose es swimming trunks in the public pool one time, and then there was the time when he were at an away game playing hockey and went to moon a passing car and got hes ass cheeks frosted to the window glass o the bus, that were funnier than hell cause he had to force hes cheeks offin the window without any warm water and he lost a few layers o ass skin fer that one, har that were a good one to be sure. But what else has happened to Dan that might be embarrassing to im, I am gonna ave to think bout this a little, well really there aint much cepting fer the few things I already told ye, he did very well at hes bootcamp training and was a damn fine soldier, fought with honor that he did, made me proud to be a part o him, or he a part o me. Oh he did step on his junior prom dates dress and rip it offin her young little body and she was left standing in her panties, but wait that weren’t so embarrassing to im and more ta her, so that won work. Well hells bells I really cant think o nothing so I am gonna end this, it is beginning to be more like werk than I like, now give me a good brawl and a pint o ale or mead, I do luv me some mead and I am a happy little blighter to say the least, they don ave mead in the US though I might find er in a micro brewery had to use a bit o Dan s brain fer that one couldn’t remember what the hell it were called, so then I am off ye fine lads and lasses, ave yerself a good evening and a great morrow. Damn I didna write about a damn thing did I?

Khayleth

Ok this is weird?????

Ok, as you all know I have been working on several blogs for my site about people who came into my life, well in part 3 I had written a part about this person that told the whole story of how we met and some of the things that we did while we were living in Arkansas. well for some reason that whole part of the story is gone, I know that I wrote this and I know it was in the post because it was so long and I was afraid that you out there would get bored and not read the whole thing, did I take that part out cause the story starts by me saying that the 2 summers I spent in Arkansas we the best of my life, and I have to question why I would delete that first part about how we met. Did I really write the whole beginning or did I just imagine that I did. That doesn’t feel right either, I know I wrote in the story of how we met and of some of the things that we had done there. Ok my computer was acting a little weird had to reboot it, and after I restarted it I went back to the draft that I had saved for the third part of the blog and reread the whole thing in case I accidentally moved the cursor and had typed over the beginning, I didn’t and the entire first part of that story is gone. Damn I don’t want to rewrite the beginning of that story, I had done such a good job of it the first time, I think. I even checked the trash to see if I might have accidentally deleted it, but no it wasn’t there. Ok I have to ask did I really write the first part of the story and if I did where the hell did it go? I am a fanatic about saving my work as I go along, once again that is an AutoCad concept. And hell the damn site auto saves all the freaking time. If I didn’t write the beginning and I made the whole thing up in my head then there is more wrong with me than I think, is this one of the symptoms of DID? Thinking you did something when in reality you didn’t? If this is how doing this blog is going to fuck with me and make me feel then maybe I shouldn’t be doing this right now. Man I don’t know what to do, so what did I really do for 2 hours last night while I thought I was writing this blog entry. Did I write so much that it automatically deleted the first part? Fuck this for now I am finished for a bit once again. I feel like I need to go and recheck all the other blogs I wrote to make sure they are all there.

Ok I have checked part 2 and part 4 and they are whole and complete just like I wrote them, part 3 is still fucked up and there is nothing I can do about that, I don’t even think I am going to try to rewrite the first part of part 3 again, I remember how it went I think, I am just going to post it as is and you guys can make of it what you want, oh and Gerri in part 4 there is a part that I will apologize for right now before I even post it, and no I am not going to take it out, it is really nothing bad but still just in case I am sorry. I think I will change my name to Justin Case, I like it and yes I have seen the Safe Auto commercials, but I have been saying that for much longer than the commercials have been out.