Hi…..


Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

One Response to “Hi…..”

  1. Adele your sister in law Says:

    Just this minute found and read this Dan, and although I don’t know you and you don’t know your older brother Rick (the one I married) you sound very alike. Both of your parents had a lot to answer for (sorry if i sound out of line) but he (Rick) is as fucked up as you are. Although I haven’t seen him for the best part of 24 yrs now. But sadly I doubt he has changed much. He couldnt admit to even having problems until it was too late, both in married life (he married again after we divorced and had another daughter….that marriage didnt last either nor the relationship with his daughter Hailey, although I think they are in touch more than he is with Madeleine, sadly unless she phones him or arranges to travel to see him he doesn’t bother getting in touch…..this has had a negative effect on her life, as any little girl will say they LOVE their Dad. He promised her the world and gave her a world of hard knocks! By this I mean he let her down so many times. She did not deserve it…….and I hate him for it. I’m crying as I write this, remembering the times he would break her heart. I once was so cross I rang him to say did he not realise what he was doing….his reply “she’ll get over it” well Maddie has hidden it well over the years, but I know her scars both mental and the self harming ones) or his working life while with me was volatile and sporadic.
    He killed my self esteem, believe, worth. When I left him I was a wreck of my former self…..
    I found my way to God, my only saviour….
    because of Rick…(no he is not a man of God)
    and for this I am grateful to him.

    Dan I have been little or no help in this wrting to you, but only to say it is not your fault you are like you are. The sins of our forefathers are living upon us.
    Seek out the real living God through his son Jesus
    May he pour blessings on your life.
    In Jesus I pray
    Amen

    I am not a person who pushes God at every turn….
    not a bible basher at all.
    Infact I no longer actually go to a church, as I find people are mostly out for themselves.
    But I know there is God and he has his hand on me and my life is covered by the blood of Christ

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