Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Still, what to use as a Title…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, Love, PTSD, Questions, Respect, Uncategorized on April 18, 2017 by dankline2000

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

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THE POINT IS?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Guilt, Questions, Uncategorized on April 6, 2017 by dankline2000

I have no friends, yet have no enemies either.

I have a job, yet never make enough to fully support myself.

I have a car, yet I have nowhere to go.

I have questions, yet receive no answers.

I pray to God, yet no path unfolds.

Is this the life for me? Do I stay at my job and feel as if I live on half ration for the rest of my life? Do I find a destination to drive my car to? Do I go in search of the answers I seek? Or do I wait and see if God has a path for me? All questions, yet unanswered. I was told I would be given the means to support myself 60 hours a pay period even if I had to file paperwork, I was told I could make as much as I wanted a salary, a percentage even, yet when I answered and said what I needed there was never a reply only silence. As for friends, they come and go with life like a breeze in the forest, there when you truly need them and just a whisper when you don’t. As for a place to drive I cannot go, you see the faith I put into my job is what keeps me inside the 10’-0”X12’-0” room I stay in. Never to go and see what wonders there are to be seen. Still no answers to the questions I seek, and yet not a path lay before me except to work my job, go to my meager room, to read, to watch movies and do nothing else. You see there are those who understand then there are those who think they understand, and then there are those who pretend only to get you to keep moving in the direction they want you to move.

In regards to a question…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Questions, Uncategorized on January 30, 2017 by dankline2000

Marieolivia (a reader of one of my posts Yes I do this….)

3 daysletsgetstartedbaby.wordpress.com

To me this sounds like not taking responsibility for your own life. So if no one else cares about you (or so you say) why don’t YOU care? Why don’t YOU give a shit about yourself? You also write that nothing changes, and nothing gets better, isn’t this a perfect example that cutting doesn’t help you either. It gives relief, and we need relief. We crave it desperately, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that cutting takes your problems away.

You asked your reader (in this instance me) where this leaves you. This leaves you with one hell of a job to get out of the funk. But you’re the only one that can do it. And it will never change before you decide that it will. I believe that you can change your life.

 

Thank you first of all for being so forthright and bluntly honest, I truly do appreciate this.

The questions you’re asking me about my post are not very easy to answer but then they just might be simpler than I think. No, I don’t take responsibility for my own life not anymore, reasons are not easy for me to explain but in the end, the truth is I just don’t. I have fucked it up beyond all recognition. No, I don’t give 2 shits about myself, but have you heard the saying that those who can’t do, teach? Guess you could say the same about myself, if I truly didn’t give 2 shits about myself shouldn’t I have done something about by now instead of bitch and complain? I tried; I tried really hard but just couldn’t do it. Change, now change is a scary subject for me. The issue is I have tried to change only to end up right back where I started. You know what this is the same old drivel and dumbass shite that I have been writing about since I started this blog.

So I will take your advice MarieOlivia, where does this leave me?

IT’S JUST A LITTLE ANGER

Posted in Uncategorized on January 21, 2017 by dankline2000

My thoughts betray me; no they are not thoughts of death or dying or of walking in the shadows. No, my thoughts are full of anger, but I ask myself what am I angry about? The answers immediately come to mind.

My vehicle is broken down and I can’t get it fixed.

The answer, well you are still able to get to work and the places you need, can’t you and you can work from your little room at the top of the red house?

I live in a boarding house in one small room having to share a bathroom and kitchen with others.

The answer, you have a warm place to sleep, a shower and a place to make food.

I’m not making enough money or getting enough hours at work.

The answer, you have a job, you have a better job than most. Yes, things are hard right now but they could be worse. There are people out there that make a third of what you do and have to live on that. You have a boss that is out daily meeting with people to get you work, it’s a time-consuming process and he has more to do every day owning the company than I do, plus he has a family I don’t.

I think I have finally figured out what I am angry about, and it isn’t a stupendous, spectacular issue but it is one that has plagued me my whole life, what now or even better what’s next. I go through this life looking at all the bad things, thinking all of these dark, dreadful things. But the truth is no one knows what’s next or even what now. I, you, we have no control over this life and we damned sure don’t have any control over what’s next. So I ask myself why be angry at all of those things above if I cannot control them? Because in my messed up, rigid, undisciplined mind I want to have control. But that’s not what’s going to happen; I cannot control things that are uncontrollable. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, only the truth is it happens the same way every time. Am I still angry? Yes, I am still angry, but no one is hurting me on purpose, no is trying to take something away from me. If truth be told there are people in my life that actually want to help me and I resist them with all the strength in my body and mind (in which I have considerable strength). The question, why do I do this I cannot tell you. But I need to learn to accept these things which I cannot control, I need to learn to let go and shall we say go with the flow, we all things change on a minute to minute basis. I also need to learn to be grateful and thankful for what I do have instead of being angry over what I do not.

Who the Fuck Cares…..

Posted in Uncategorized on January 16, 2017 by dankline2000

The air runs short in my lungs, each gasp of breathe I imagine to be of an elk or deer in its final troughs of life, short, sharp and deep as I succumb to the beer and Xanax combination that will take me into oblivion. That sweet silence of sleep where I don’t dream where I don’t love and I just don’t give a fuck. Show me a difference and I will take it, I have no one, I don’t want no one and I really just don’t care.

once again my fellows

Posted in Uncategorized on January 10, 2017 by dankline2000

In this world of new beginnings, New Year to turn around all the things I feel I need to fix. Not only within myself but with my loved ones, my family, I have very few people I call friends. I feel like I am failing miserably at life, at my job, within myself. I thought that this would be a great start to a new beginning this year 2017. But it has placed me once again in the same place I have been my entire life struggle, strife, fear, loss and all of that is just taking place in my head and not in the outside world. I struggle to do the right thing; it never works, so I stop trying. I want my job to truly be mine but I feel I have placed myself into an outsider’s position, not because I don’t love my work or my job and the company I work for but because it is always an up and down situation which I have dealt with not only in my work life but my personal life as well. It never seems to be easy, not that it really should in life or my work.

Honestly, I want to run away and hide from this world again, to slip into the thoughts and personalities in my mind. I feel so unprotected, so alone. But I am afraid to try to reach out because I feel as if no one listens if no one listens then I don’t matter. So what do I do? Do I run away and hide? Or do I slink off like an old dog tired of chasing the ball thrown so many times, and just find a place to lay down and rest, which is something I know nothing about? I have changed, it all has changed again. I am losing again and I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I just want to rest, but in truth, I want my family, I want to work, I want a life but to a person like me, it is very hard because of the underlying fears and doubts and questions of if I can really do it. So far I haunt dome so very well. I don’t want to lose no more of myself, I don’t want to lose what few things I have left in this life and my sanity is one of them. I told a friend of mine that if I lost any more of these things that I would take one of two choices and I have already mentioned them above. I need to know I matter, I need to know that I can contribute to my own life which I have failed so miserably at that I have pushed almost all the people in my life away from me lest I hurt them. I only have one friend and he is also my mentor. But even he will not be able to cope with the way I am feeling. I’m so alone, in the sense that I don’t know how to interact with anyone other than the people in my mind and right now they are in as much turmoil with the emotions I am feeling that all the can do is be quiet. I know I will lose everything again, I see it coming, loss of personal effects can be replaced and would help to hold on but the loss of my mind again would mean that the walls come crashing down and so do I. I have prayed for guidance, I have prayed for peace. But my dumb ass just can’t seem to let go and let God help me. So I let you know now I am not so very sure how much longer I can hold myself together.

I’M JUST SO TIRED…..

Posted in Uncategorized on August 29, 2016 by dankline2000

0ebf26dcbe448fd3762eb3339c82f43dEveryday the same as the last, neither moving forward, nor even moving back. Just the same empty existence day in and day out. Its a struggle just to survive, not knowing how you are going to get through the day, never having enough to eat, fearing for a place to live, not knowing if the lights will still be on when I wake from that pitiful thing called sleep, not understanding that the harder I try the worse it gets. No one to turn to, no one actually really cares if you wanted to know. Empty, afraid, angry at not being able to control my own life, and honestly I really don’t fucking care anymore. If you wanted to know if I have reached out to anyone, well of course I have. But in the end they had no answers to my riddles of how to go from non-existent to existing, to more than existing. I have to ask myself if anyone really has the answers to my questions, I have asked God, I have asked a man whom I have known for over 20 years, an intelligent man to say the least. But still no answers, so I am here to tell you all I am so fucking tired of the struggle just to get from day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute. I have tried so hard not to give up, but on this I give up. No one, no one on this earth will honestly listen, h but they give the look, you know that look of pity, most of the times mixed with is this guy crazy, maybe a little dangerous. It’s okay people I’m only dangerous to myself.

Ask me how I got here again and I might tell the story, but at another time. I have used up my emotional and metal energy allotment for the day.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline