I’M JUST SO TIRED…..

Posted in Uncategorized on August 29, 2016 by dankline2000

0ebf26dcbe448fd3762eb3339c82f43dEveryday the same as the last, neither moving forward, nor even moving back. Just the same empty existence day in and day out. Its a struggle just to survive, not knowing how you are going to get through the day, never having enough to eat, fearing for a place to live, not knowing if the lights will still be on when I wake from that pitiful thing called sleep, not understanding that the harder I try the worse it gets. No one to turn to, no one actually really cares if you wanted to know. Empty, afraid, angry at not being able to control my own life, and honestly I really don’t fucking care anymore. If you wanted to know if I have reached out to anyone, well of course I have. But in the end they had no answers to my riddles of how to go from non-existent to existing, to more than existing. I have to ask myself if anyone really has the answers to my questions, I have asked God, I have asked a man whom I have known for over 20 years, an intelligent man to say the least. But still no answers, so I am here to tell you all I am so fucking tired of the struggle just to get from day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute. I have tried so hard not to give up, but on this I give up. No one, no one on this earth will honestly listen, h but they give the look, you know that look of pity, most of the times mixed with is this guy crazy, maybe a little dangerous. It’s okay people I’m only dangerous to myself.

Ask me how I got here again and I might tell the story, but at another time. I have used up my emotional and metal energy allotment for the day.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

IS THERE ANYONE THERE!?!?!

Posted in Uncategorized on August 26, 2016 by dankline2000

HERE I AM YELLING, BESEECHING, TRYING EVERYTHING I CAN TO GET SOMEONES ATTENTION, ANYONE’S ATTENTION. ARE YOU FUCKING THERE? IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE? ANYONE WILLING TO LOOK IN MY DIRECTION AND SEE? JUST SEE ME?

ANYONE?

Posted in Uncategorized on August 23, 2016 by dankline2000

These are the hours that pray on me most, those hours where it seems I have nothing to do but think. Thoughts racing in and around my mind, my body wandering from room to room only to find myself in the same rooms, same places, same thoughts in my mind. I can’t escape this merry go round of self-recrimination this ride of self-doubt, fear and hurt. Again I have come full circle right back to where I began this journey, knowing full well in my mind where this leads, we all know where this leads.The realization has come to me that I will forever be lonely, that all I can do is hurt the ones I love and cherish with these people that walk around with me in my head. I am alone with them forever, and forever they will be with me. I wonder do I let them rule me again, do I let the anger out, let the mother try to soothe me? Do I let the warrior and survivor take control or rather do I run and hide in the corner like the little boy? I cannot answer these questions for myself, I will just have to wait and see the end of the story, and you all know that every good story has a beginning, a middle (that hasn’t worked out so well) and an end. I am not at the beginning, and I can only assume I am in the middle headed towards the ending.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

FINALLY A LAUGH

Posted in Uncategorized on August 15, 2016 by dankline2000

True story, I remember when I was younger, can’t really remember what age but I do remember the time like it was yesterday. My Father had been stationed in Coba Roho Bay, Puerto Rico at the time and it was time for us to move stations. Wow, well we were never told our next destination because I am pretty sure we all would have started a revolution. Minnesota, freaking Baudette, Minnesota, 6 miles from the Canadian border, don’t ya know. Yep there we were getting off a plane straight from Puerto Rico in Minneapolis, Minnesota in January, right smack dab in the middle of winter. Get this picture here we are getting off the plane in shorts, t-shirts and flip flops (yes I did wear shorts at one point in my life). It was well below zero in that there city of the apolis, and people were staring at us like we had lost all sense of reality, not so sure they weren’t right. My father had to go right there in the airport and buy us all winter jackets, why? Well because our entire luggage was more than likely in a different country, because it sure wasn’t there. That’s how my life went in Minnesota, but it did get better. Now imagine if you will snow, I’m not talking about the couple of inches we get here in Kentucky, I’m talking the snow piled up on the edges of the streets were taller than I am now. My first winter in Baudette was filled with so many new things, snow only being a part of it. I want to tell you about my moose experience, yes moose. See Baudette is a small community and we lived in the woods, lots of woods and lots of snow. One day my cousin Kevin and all of his family were visiting (sounds like a normal life right?) and real quick me and Kevin got bored, so out the door and into the woods we went and we didn’t go far, that is until we saw these tracks in the snow, they were huge, bigger than Kevin’s and my feet heel to toe big, pretty big, right? Well see there was something weird about these tracks, well they had long oval shapes in the back and two little dots in the front, and I mean what the hell makes that kind of foot print or track. So we started following the tracks and man they went everywhere but we just couldn’t figure out what could make tracks that big, was it a deer? No I knew what they looked like, and it was anything dangerous, because really what could be dangerous and make those kind of screwed up tracks. Then it hit us out of the blue, a moose, it had to be a moose that made those tracks, they were huge and well moose are huge I had seen them on TV. So we ran back to the house and told my father and Uncle Sam (Kevin’s Dad) what we had found and that they needed to come quick because we would lose the moose if we didn’t hurry. So there we were retracing our own tracks to find the moose tracks so we could show them. And there they were right there where we left them, so we showed them to our fathers and they walked around the tracks and then kneeled down and poked around in the tracks, the whole time telling they were not sure what kind of tracks they were so we would have to follow the tracks and see for ourselves this mysterious moose we had been tracking for several hours. So with them in tow we headed out and we searched and searched until my father stopped us, told us to be quiet and just wait. And we did now it might have only been a few minutes but to us it seemed like hours. My father pointed to a bunch of dead bushes and said wait, just wait. Oh my god are you kidding me we have been waiting for freaking ever when out of the brambles……. Hops out a snow shoe rabbit. Yep we had been tracking a rabbit for hours thinking it was a moose. Welcome to Minnesota city boy, lol.

THE WAITING

Posted in Uncategorized on August 3, 2016 by dankline2000

When I was a kid we had this thing, issue or wrong doing if you will, let’s call it “THE WAITING”. Now I’m sure that this brings to mind all sorts of things so I will explain. As we all know my father was a monster, literally a fucking monster. This waiting came into being from this literal monster. It started out like this, a week maybe, ten days tops my father would do things with us, go places, and teach us really cool stuff. But then at the end of that unspecified time period it would happen, the beatings, the verbal, physical and sexual abuse that comes to mind every time I even say the word father. In the beginning my brother and I were like this is cool Dad is actually doing things with us, he loves us, NO HE DOESN’T. It was a setup, the proverbial waiting for the other shoe to drop and after time we could predict when this would happen and even prolong the inevitable, but in the end it always happened. I didn’t realize that this followed me into my adult life in the form of this. Every time things are going well for me, things are going in a direction that I want, no wrings are done, job fine, wife and kids wonderful. Then I would do it to myself, I would cause the WAITING and I would run, I would get angry at the drop of a pin. In the end it has cost me my marriage. I really didn’t understand what I was doing till after all the fallout that I had caused myself, my wife and my children. But I cannot explain it to them, they don’t want to listen. I didn’t figure it out till my whole world had fallen down, and it still keeps falling. I wanted someone to listen; I wanted the chance to explain. I’m not going to get that because of the WAITING. I don’t wait anymore; I have hopefully changed that part of my life. I don’t run away, I still get scared but I don’t do the things I used to do when it felt like the WAITING. I had to tell someone.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan
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Ah Christ I lost my words, I wonder if I can find them again?

Posted in Uncategorized on August 12, 2015 by dankline2000

I sit and I wonder about myself and the direction I am going in, the way I have led my life not just as an adult but in the last few years. I am not sure the things that have been done can be undone, to me, by me as sit and type these words upon this page. I know this person who did these things is not me, I know that the things I have done are wrong, I know I am the wrong that needs to be righted. I am what I have always thought I would never be, the wrong that needs to be righted instead of the right that needed to be wronged. Confused? Don’t be because if you know me you understand what I am saying, you know me as a man, a person, father, brother, son and friend.
I prayed tonight to God to show me the way, to point me in the direction to make this right, to fix me, to become right. I really prayed, not in wishfulness, not in wanting but to understand, to be given just a hint of a direction of what it is that i need to do, what direction I needed to go in. I could feel it, my prayer as it left my mind, grasping, reaching up for answers that I feel only he can provide. All of you who know me, know I am not a religious man, but there has to be something, I want there to be someone out there that can give me guidance, love and compassion that I long for. To comfort me when all I can do is screw up, when everything I touch falls apart in my hands as sand slipping between my fingers and scattering into the winds of neglect, hurt, fear and anger. I know some joy, I have seen it once or twice in my life, I know what is like to win, to work hard to lose and to have to start all over again. I can feel it now this longing inside me reaching as like never before up and out of me like, well I am not sure what it is like because I have never felt it before, this need, this urge, this want to be fixed and to fix all the things I have broken. I wish I could describe the feeling of my skin, tingling , flexing, stretching away from me as if it know s what I need to do, my fingers not knowing yet knowing the right keys to hit as I still hesitate to hit them. I am not scared, I don’t think anyways, because I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to be afraid of? It’s as if anticipation and that feeling when you go fast over a hill have combined. I do not give the feeling justice with my words but it is the best that I can do.

I will not tag this nor give it a category,because I have none for it.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

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