Everyday the same as the last, neither moving forward, nor even moving back. Just the same empty existence day in and day out. Its a struggle just to survive, not knowing how you are going to get through the day, never having enough to eat, fearing for a place to live, not knowing if the lights will still be on when I wake from that pitiful thing called sleep, not understanding that the harder I try the worse it gets. No one to turn to, no one actually really cares if you wanted to know. Empty, afraid, angry at not being able to control my own life, and honestly I really don’t fucking care anymore. If you wanted to know if I have reached out to anyone, well of course I have. But in the end they had no answers to my riddles of how to go from non-existent to existing, to more than existing. I have to ask myself if anyone really has the answers to my questions, I have asked God, I have asked a man whom I have known for over 20 years, an intelligent man to say the least. But still no answers, so I am here to tell you all I am so fucking tired of the struggle just to get from day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute. I have tried so hard not to give up, but on this I give up. No one, no one on this earth will honestly listen, h but they give the look, you know that look of pity, most of the times mixed with is this guy crazy, maybe a little dangerous. It’s okay people I’m only dangerous to myself.
Ask me how I got here again and I might tell the story, but at another time. I have used up my emotional and metal energy allotment for the day.
With much love and gratitude,