Only God knows what I am trying to say here…..

You ever get the feeling that no one listens to you? You ever get the feeling that perhaps you aren’t the one who is crazy that it is the rest of the world? Well you might be right, I get that feeling a lot here lately and I have to say when I sit back and view the situation and the people I am around, I seriously question not only my own sanity, which we all know isn’t the best, but the sanity of those around me.

Let me explain, I will start with myself first which I am more than likely to do often. I try for example to have physical and emotional relationships with the opposite sex and well it never goes well. Is it me? Is it the people I am seeing, probably both? You see the last woman I tried to see ended up, really is this important? Do I really want to try to explain? I must because I am writing about it, so here we go. She ended up being a drug user, the bad type like heroine and meth, did I know this when I met her, no. but I did find out real quick. No she didn’t steal from me, but. Damn it is hard to explain if you have ever met an addict they are all different except the need to use, the issue with untruth, the issue of lying. This adds so much stress to my already slightly off balance mind. I just can’t really go into details because while I know about it, I don’t understand. I do understand something controlling your life, such as my mental issues but we are what I would call in cooperation, we work, well that is pretty much it I cannot say I am living a normal life because I am not, I still isolate, get angry, sad, hell all of the emotions I have all the time that are a part of me, us, we. The people I live with, we will go there next. He doesn’t really love her, I am not sure she loves him. He doesn’t want to be alone and she has no place else to go. They don’t trust each other, and it has created an atmosphere of apathy in the house. Can I just say that it affects me greatly, do I move, and do I stay? All of you would probably agree that I should move. But look at this, it’s almost as if I can’t, unexplainable I agree, but I just don’t. My work even seems to be getting weird, we have two departments at work of which I am a project manager of both, the design side and the construction side, too many hats. But we have 4 yes 4 people there including the owner. There is no trust, no communication and well it is getting worse, leave? Well I love what I do for a living and I am damned grateful that I can do it still. Is it hard for me to go to work every day and pretend to be normal, guess what I don’t try to be normal I just am who I am. And well it is working, I don’t know how but it is, a small success for myself I would have to say. No one minds how I am because I can design, draw and build and still be the way I am. They just think I am quirky, but I look around and they are doing the same things I do, talking to inanimate objects like their computer the printer that damned wall stud that is just a little too tight. Yes I am keeping most of me in my head but still, I look around and I ask myself what do all of us have in common? Extreme intelligence? Nope, normal lives? Nope, all men in the same office that have been through traumatic events in our lives based on our own individual experiences? Yes, though they haven’t been through what I have they have been through in their mind traumatic experiences, divorce, death of a loved one, etc…

Now why did I start with you ever get the feeling no one listens to you? Because they don’t, period. I can tell someone something and it just doesn’t hit home till it is too late. I told one woman about kissing me, stupid I know but it was uncomfortable and just gross, I said kissing to me is a form of making love. Agree or disagree I don’t care, but when she was kissing me it was like she was eating an ice cream cone, I know I look vanilla but damn keep that thing under control. You don’t have to cover my face like a dog liking a bone. I won’t explain anymore about kissing but I had to say it. Actually now that I read it, it is funny. But when she says she really likes you and you say I don’t want that tongue all over my face and you patiently explain and show her how to actually kiss and she still does it every time you try to kiss? Well she wasn’t listening. Yes I know this is a silly thing to be saying about not listening but I used this as but an example, hell people no one listens to me about anything, so there you have it, a rant? Hell I don’t know but it is off my chest and that is the point.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

In the Life of me…..

Another day just like the last, and the ones before that. Wake in the morning 8am take pills, get something to drink, wander about the house telling all good morning. Go to the bathroom, walk back into room sit on edge of my bed and wonder how did I end up like this. Turn and sit on bed grab computer look at it for several minutes in hope that it might contain the answers to how I got this way. Hit the space bar and wander around the net looking for something, anything to occupy my mind with, books, movies, comics whatever, this is all part of a routine that I have become. I check my emails, read from several different blogs that I have subscribed to, post on some like on others. Listen for my wife in case she needs me, cruise the internet some more hoping to come across something that will catch my mind’s eye, nothing most of the time. I don’t even want to write anymore I can’t get my brain to function like that anymore. It is the sameness of it all that is killing me slowly, what can I do to change up my life, make it more interesting? It is a question I ask myself several times a day. The biggest problem I have in this life is boredom, the lack of means to do anything at all, am I doomed to live like this for the rest of my days. If so I should just end it now and release the boredom from my life, hell I am even to bored to do that, it doesn’t appeal to me.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Chemical Blinders…..

It grows old the feeling that I have, the ripping, tearing, blood pounding mind numbing sameness of it all, does it ever change? Will this be the rest of my life? I don’t like it, I don’t want it, and I don’t care anymore. I am a rat kept in a perpetual maze looking for the cheese to show me the way out, turn left not right, go straight ahead, turn right instead of left, every day the same routine, wait for the bell in order to take your pills, eat once a day whether you want to or not.

What I have is a feeling of nothing anymore, lack of anger, sadness, fear, laughter, life is the same and I blame the pills, I blame the times I spent in the hospital, I blame the Doctors that prescribed the medication in the first place. It has taken from me the things that make me different from all others, this lack of true emotion, and a state of mind. I can’t even rage against the fact that I feel this way that has been taken away from me as well. I can’t marvel at the world around me, I walk with chemical blinders on the sides of my head eyes only forward going nowhere and doing nothing.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Again I have no title for this…..

The search, it is all we have to find a better state of mind to function as a whole, but ever searching for the source or the cure if you will, each in our own way tries to find it, whether it is chemical, physical or spiritual, we still keep searching. What happens if we just stop searching and let the answer come to us instead of always putting forth so much effort in to the search what if what we are looking for is inside each and every one of us? Maybe, just perhaps we are our own cure, it hurt I know form fact that our disease hurts, but is there really a miracle cure? Will the next pill, the next therapy session make any difference? We who are not allowed to sit quietly at rest, who are constantly striving to be what society calls normal, well we aren’t and what is the definition of normal anyway? We hurt, we have many different parts to our minds, we are depressed, and we cut ourselves to show that we have some control over ourselves. We hide ourselves away from the civilized world when we don’t feel normal, we lay in bed until we feel normal, we don’t even leave the house. Society made us what we are and yet now we don’t correspond to what society says is normal, it is not our fault it is theirs. We live, we feel, we bleed and yet we are wrong for the way we are, I know that what I am is not right but I am at a point where I have stopped trying to conform to what society says is right, they say it isn’t right to have more than one personality in my head, well don’t people talk to themselves all the time? They say it isn’t right that I sleep for days at a time, I am depressed they say, ok so what is wrong with being depressed? I don’t feel the need to go out and live in your place in this world I want to live in mine, so I don’t get out of bed or leave the house for a few days, it is my right it helps me and yes there might be a time that it may go overboard but by whose standard? Yours or mine? Cutting is it really necessary to show myself that I am in control of me? No it is actually a way to show you that I am in control of me, if I can cut myself that means I can control what happens to me. They have put me on so many different medications I have to wonder if what is wrong with me is a side effect of the medications that I am taking, listen to this, most anti depressants cause depression, anti anxiety medications after prolonged use cause anxiety. So how do you fix it do you stop all the medications and get back to the point you were before you started this whole fucking mess, well guess what you can’t, we have become dependent on the medications to help us feel like we are almost normal. I have found a sound in my life that I hate more than my life, it is the sound of the alarm that tells me it is time to take another pill, what I am now a trained human, if the bell rings I take a pill. If we stopped doing and taking all the things that they tell us are helping us will we be better or worse? I have tom think of these things, I am a very angry person due to circumstances in my life that made me scared and I don’t do fear very well it transfers to anger and questions which can never be answered, there is no one to answer the questions anymore, so why not just drop it and move on, because I can’t I still want to know why and what the hell for. You see I am me, Dan Kline I cannot help the problems I have because things happened, and that is the end of the story no answers to the questions I have and to be honest I am scared to ask the questions, and I don’t think that I could have handled the answers, I really don’t want to ever go back to that place in my mind that may hold any information about those questions, it is a moot point now, those people are dead and I can’t place blame on them anymore they are or have been judged on their actions and appropriate measures have been taken, I hope. I have to believe they have been made to atone for their sins and indiscretions.

I am who I am and I don’t really give a fuck what society as a whole thinks of me, I no longer want to fit into their round hole and be a circle because I am not I am a square trying to fit into a rectangular hole and by damn I will fit if I only try hard enough that is who I am, I have voices in my head, I get depressed and sometimes sleep for days, sometimes I don’t leave the house for days, now I don’t cut myself but if I did so what, it is my body and my mind and in will do it if it makes me feel in control, yes I can go too far but that is my choice not yours not anyone else’s business but mine, do I want to ne dead, I would be a liar if I said no. Sometimes I do feel like I should be dead and that the people around me would be better off, but I don’t say this because I want to take my life I am just being honest, would have it any other way? What else is there to say I have spun it out for you to read a confession of sorts, more of a rant some will say but here it is in black and white? I just have to wonder if I am not alone in the way I feel, it makes me want to find a little place all to myself and never leave just become the crazy old man that lives in the woods by himself. Well maybe not I would miss not having internet, or flushing toilets and running water, comforts of life if you will. Oh and Diet Pepsi I would miss that most of all. I just want to move on with my life and quit looking backwards for in looking back there are no answers I want to look forward and see what happens next…..

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Rant Number 1,125…..

Wednesday, September 05, 2012, time for me to rant a bit. Why, because sometimes people can’t see past the end of their own noses and it pisses me off. What I might have to say on a few of these subjects might piss you off but feel free to tell me about it, please I encourage it.

Education, who is smarter, is a person with a secondary education smarter than a person with just a high school degree, that is an easy answer right? Well no it isn’t I happen to know a feller or two with only high school educations that do jobs that I couldn’t do and well they can’t do the job I used to do, I guess it is all in the training that you get, so wouldn’t this training constitute education also, is OJT not an education? And is education just limited to what you learn on the job or in school, I don’t think so if you learn that your hand gets burnt if you stick it on something hot is that not learning. If you follow a trail in the woods and remember it is that not educations, I think that learning never stops you learn something new every day, but I could be wrong and most times I am.

Religion is the next thing, I believe what I believe is that wrong, well no not in my eyes, but it seems that others think that the way I believe is wrong, and how it can be wrong if we are talking about the same God. I just happen to celebrate God in a different way than you do. So you want to tell me about your religion and I am willing to listen to you and we might even agree on some things but disagree on others. So who is right here, it is just a matter of what you believe versus what I believe I don’t think either of us is wrong. What I do think is wrong is that I am not judging you on your beliefs but you are judging me on mine, why just because your church says that the way I believe happens to not be right, fuck that and your church, all they are a money grubbing gold diggers, my way is only to treat the land with all the respect I can and to help to keep it in the best shape I can, to do unto others as I would have done on myself and never harm none. Tell me if your church preaches that, ya fucking morons, yes what I say here will come back on me but I am angry, who on this earth has the right to tell me how I am supposed to worship, I tend to be in nature right in the  middle of God’s creation, listening to the beast and the birds, watching the fish in the stream swimming, watching the creatures he made go about their lives in harmony with one another, humans on the other hand are judgmental and prejudice.

Politics, the granddaddy of them all, this will be brief. I don’t do politics period. You want to talk politics with me I tune you out and turn you off.

Sexuality, live and let live. Don’t push what you believe and what you practice on others plainly it is none of your god damn business, nuff said. If you are straight that is fine with me, if you are gay that is fine with me, God gave man free will, so live your life the way that you want and to hell with what anyone else says about it, fuck them, walk around them smile and be on your merry way. Why is it that a straight man has to ask a gay man why he is gay, cant a gay man ask a straight man why he is straight? It comes down to this people it is a life choice and no the gays are not going to hell no matter what you interpret from the history book we call the bible says, after all it is a book not a guide to the universe as we know it.

What it all comes to folks is this leave people to live their lives how they want, you don’t have to agree with it and you don’t have to like it, hell I am sure there are parts of our own lives that we don’t like, but just leave people alone we have enough problems in the United States and around the world that to attack people about their personal lives is a dust mote in the cosmos. Lets fixate on the fact that Iran has nukes, lets worry over North Korea has nukes and about the genocide happening in Africa, or the continuing war in Afghanistan. Hell lets worry over the starving children right here in our own country. In the end all I ask is that we focus on the real problems not individuals life styles.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Smooth as silk…..

I feel it like the soft fur of a mink, sliding over me slowly covering me in its thick black coolness,

Starting at the feet slowly covering me inch by inch, cell by cell, touching every nerve ending,

It feels familiar this slickness, this velvety softness caressing me like a lover,

Filling me in a way that in only know so well, it does not calm me; it does not soothe me,

Consuming me to the very fiber of my being, silkiness like I have always known,

It is a sneaky feeling as it creeps up my body covering me in its smoothness, it knows me and I know it, I relish in the feeling of its touch,

I know after a period of time it will consume my whole being and I long for that, I want that, I need that,

No one else can see it or feel it, it is only for me, and it is almost sexual in a way, in its caress, its careful covering of me sinking into my flesh, melding around every cell in my body,

It erases the pain, the fear, the hunger, the shame it fills me so that I can no longer feel anything that is a part of me, it leaves only one thing behind,

As it covers me what is left turns hard as titanium, harder than steel, this will not let anything out or anything in, and it forms a barrier around my heart and around my mind filling it with the cool embrace of its touch…..

Time to Change…..

I have been thinking people about how to reconfigure my life, and it comes down to one thing, CHANGE. I would have to change every aspect of my life in order to reconfigure my life to make it something different than it is now, so I sit and I think about what that means, different ways of living, changing the type of people that I choose to hang out with, I am sure Gerri wouldn’t mind that part, and that is another thing if I decide to reconfigure my life would that mean she would have to change hers to and what about Dylan, hell he has been through so much change in the last year that I don’t know if he could handle anymore change.

I think that what I am saying is that I need to view my world in a different light, maybe make some small changes and see how that goes, and then if that works well perhaps I will be a better person for that, I am not contemplating changes such as my marriage or anything like that but I feel that a change even on a personal level needs to be done.

And with that comes the fear of change, the difference it will make and just what exactly will these changes be, well for me they will mean personal changes like perhaps a new physic doctor, I am having trouble with the one I have now, seeking the advice of a trauma therapist, perhaps changing medications which is one change I really don’t want to do, I hate that part.

But change also for myself such as taking better care of my personal hygiene, perhaps changing the type of clothes I wear, I feel better when I look better, I feel better when I don’t have dry skin falling on my shirt and noticing it in public, even something as small as wearing somebody spray or cologne every day, these really aren’t changes they are actually things that I need to do for myself to perhaps make me feel better about myself, maybe make it a new regime for myself leave myself notes to remind me to do these simple things for myself, because quite frankly I get so caught up in my funk that I forget to do the simple things for myself. I am going to institute these changes starting today, I need this for me. I need to start feeling better about myself and I think that if I do that maybe,  just maybe I can show my wife, my mother in law and my son that I am doing better than they think that I am. The only issue is this, I actually have to do these things and well even if in write reminders I still have to follow through with the changes, and as I know full well my follow through really sucks ass. But I am going to try, I am going to write little sticky notes for myself and put them where in can see them every day and so that I actually have to read them. That is what and how I am going to start reconfiguring my life, and hopefully I can inspire the others to follow my example.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

My little adventure…..

So let me tell you all about my camping experience, I left on Wednesday the 29^th of August and was supposed to return on Saturday the 1^st. I get to the ranger station pay my 45 dollars and get my pass for the park, now this is a 4000 acre park right in the middle of the first largest city on Kentucky, Louisville. It was named after a local Doctor who owned the property for many years, Dr. Horine; hence the park is called Horine Reservation. I get to my site and it is beautiful, I set up my equipment and settle in to enjoy the sounds of nature, which is part of the reason I was there. The other part was I needed time away to collect myself, I have been on a sort of petulant anger cycle where things aren’t going my way and I get upset over it and take it out on those around me.

Let’s start with the actual site itself very good choice of spots the girl at the ranger station did me up right, morning sun evening shade pretty good except the morning sun was terribly hot. The site had a fire ring, a picnic table and a garbage can close by. Not a lot of rocks except where you park your car and it was clean and tidy. So I grab my map if the local area and start to think about hiking some trails, but as I sit there I notice that it is very quiet, not a single sound from birds, squirrels or other animals scurrying around, you know the typical sounds of a forest, I hear none of that and at first I think it is because I was moving around setting up the tent and getting my site in order. So I sit and pour over the map with one ear open to see if I hear any critters, none not a single chirp or the call of a crow, after about an hour this is making me nervous, but I still play it off. I tool around the camp making sure things are where I can get to them easily and I decide that I am not going to much today, perhaps drink a few cold beers and just sit around and relax, but I have this nagging feeling that something is wrong and I can’t quite put my finger on it, still no sounds of wildlife even after being there for several hours, I am finding this very disconcerting. Ok I decide that it is beer time so I position my chair in the shade right next to the tent, I do grab my camera and take some pictures of some local flora, and of various things that catch my eye. But I still have this nagging feeling that something isn’t right. Now on the way in I did pass a road that led to a cemetery which is cool I figured to hike to it on the morrow and see it, but as the night progresses I get more and more nervous. Now at this time I figure out that I am alone, I am alone by myself for the first time in almost a full year, man that hits me like a ton of bricks and I figure that it is this that is making me feel so nervous, I mean here I am alone without anyone, and I am not handling that very well at all.

Night falls and it just gets more creepy because usually at night in the woods, well they usually come alive with sounds of insects and rodents and other such things, no dice not one sound, hell someone at least make a noise, but I am all alone in the park there are no other campers to be heard, no fires to be seen, now it really hits me that I am alone, so what do I do? Well I want to know why it is so quiet, so I start doing EVP sessions, I am not scared of ghosts, but I am scared of being by myself, makes sense right. Well not really, but let’s go with it for now, I do about 5 EVP sessions asking various questions, and I need to download them and analyze them on my computer to see if I got any responses, but it is getting late and I go to bed.

Next day up bright and early, set about just piddling around camp and decide that it is time to hike up to the cemetery, so I drive to the entrance to the road to the cemetery and get out grab my camel back full of water a can of chew and head down the road, it took me 45 minutes just to get to the cemetery, if you figure 20 minutes for each mile that is 2-1/2 miles just to get there, I took some video and some still pictures and will post them if you want, now my whole thing was I was going to come back that night and do some research, but as I sat at the base of the tree in front of the cemetery I ask Dr. Horine if I could come back later that night and visit with him and his family, I was given the distinct feeling that they didn’t want to be disturbed, so I will leave well enough alone so after a few minutes I get up to leave tell all of them thank you for allowing me to rest here and told them all goodbye, and walked back to the car which took around an hour, dude I was tired from walking in. got back to camp got over heated from my walk packed up and headed for the house, some of my prescriptions say do not expose yourself to high temperatures or prolong direct sunlight, I over heat faster than the normal person. So thus ends my camping trip. Not much fun but I tried.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

this one looked like a crown to me

this one sort of looked like a crown to me

mushroom, not the edible kind either

the entrance to the grave yard

I sit…..

I sit, but I am unable to stay still, not physically but mentally. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts emotions, wrong doings and failed things. I have not been able to keep the peace with in my mind for a very long time. The things inside of my mind make me fearful, scared even. Blame is the biggest thing I feel right now, blame for not being able to let my family enjoy the things I have done for them, blame for not being able to do what is right and good, blame for yelling screaming and getting mad, blame for knowing that I need space to myself, but feeling selfish because of it. Two things control my life right now and that is blame and the fear of failing my family again and again and again like I have over the last 14 years, not being there for them, not providing for them. To say that I am a failure is the absolute truth, I want you to realize the only good thing that I have done in my life was marry my second wife and have Dylan with her, other than that I have never finished a damn thing in this life of mine, didn’t finish High School, dropped out 12^th grade year, yes I got my GED and yes I attended college but I never finished that either, I didn’t complete my tour of duty with the National Guard, depression and anxiety is the cause for that, I feel like I let my unit and my fellow soldiers down on that one, it hurts pretty badly when I think about it. I Dan Kline have never finished a single thing in my life and I have come to realize that I might not have that much life left to me to start anything new, actually that thought has stopped me from trying new things, and true to form I am not going to finish this post.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Allow me to be free, teach me to be free…..

I watch you from afar, yet never have I been nearer to you than I am right now,

I see you look at me, shyly gazing from your place in the other room; you seem to know me much better than I know myself,

Have I changed to you, do you feel differently than you first did, am I still the person you fell in love with?

I sit in wonder of your great inner strength, the actual power that you have over yourself, sitting in jealousy seeing that I can never be as strong as you,

I do not have strength of the kind, yes I have physical strength and have proven that many times, but to know one’s self is a different type of strength,

I always second guess myself, where you seem not too, I over think every last detail and work it till my fingers bleed, not you, you form a plan and if it doesn’t go exactly right you flow with the changes, I am unable to do that,

You seem to have no fear knowing that all will be well in this world if you just let it be, I cannot stop worrying over the things that happen and I never can just let it be,

I watch you from afar, yet never have I been nearer to you than I am right now,

Let go you whisper to me, things will sort themselves out, I long to believe you, I want to believe you and in you, but alas I come far short of that thought or action,

In all my life I have never to just let go, to flow with the changes that life throws at us every day, to bend in the wind like a reed, to float like a leaf on the wind, in a sense I cannot even stop to smell the proverbial roses, I just can’t be, I cannot be one with the things around me and I so envy you that you can do that, you can feel nature, see nature, see a different path instead of forcing the one that was laid before you, I so envy you, would that I could learn to let go, bend, flow and walk down a different path like you, your life has touched mine and I sit in wonderment of the things that you do without even knowing you are doing them, teach me, tell me how to do this,

I am unable to sit in a room on my own without seeing one or more of you, I am uncomfortable with who and what I am, anger, warrior, more than one person in my body, sadness and fear these are the things I am and I am unable to just do one day at a time, I am unhappy with who I am and what I have become, sometimes I seem a monster, others I just am nothing, teach me how to just be, teach me how to do all those wonderful things that you can do and I cannot.

I ask the blessing of the Goddess and the God to show me how to relax, how to feel other than anger and rage, fear and sadness, to show me how to bend and flow, I beg of you both to send me the answer or I fear for mine own sanity and well being.

Blessed be, and much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline