Archive for Drug Abuse

Only God knows what I am trying to say here…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse with tags , , , , , on September 27, 2014 by dankline2000

You ever get the feeling that no one listens to you? You ever get the feeling that perhaps you aren’t the one who is crazy that it is the rest of the world? Well you might be right, I get that feeling a lot here lately and I have to say when I sit back and view the situation and the people I am around, I seriously question not only my own sanity, which we all know isn’t the best, but the sanity of those around me.

Let me explain, I will start with myself first which I am more than likely to do often. I try for example to have physical and emotional relationships with the opposite sex and well it never goes well. Is it me? Is it the people I am seeing, probably both? You see the last woman I tried to see ended up, really is this important? Do I really want to try to explain? I must because I am writing about it, so here we go. She ended up being a drug user, the bad type like heroine and meth, did I know this when I met her, no. but I did find out real quick. No she didn’t steal from me, but. Damn it is hard to explain if you have ever met an addict they are all different except the need to use, the issue with untruth, the issue of lying. This adds so much stress to my already slightly off balance mind. I just can’t really go into details because while I know about it, I don’t understand. I do understand something controlling your life, such as my mental issues but we are what I would call in cooperation, we work, well that is pretty much it I cannot say I am living a normal life because I am not, I still isolate, get angry, sad, hell all of the emotions I have all the time that are a part of me, us, we. The people I live with, we will go there next. He doesn’t really love her, I am not sure she loves him. He doesn’t want to be alone and she has no place else to go. They don’t trust each other, and it has created an atmosphere of apathy in the house. Can I just say that it affects me greatly, do I move, and do I stay? All of you would probably agree that I should move. But look at this, it’s almost as if I can’t, unexplainable I agree, but I just don’t. My work even seems to be getting weird, we have two departments at work of which I am a project manager of both, the design side and the construction side, too many hats. But we have 4 yes 4 people there including the owner. There is no trust, no communication and well it is getting worse, leave? Well I love what I do for a living and I am damned grateful that I can do it still. Is it hard for me to go to work every day and pretend to be normal, guess what I don’t try to be normal I just am who I am. And well it is working, I don’t know how but it is, a small success for myself I would have to say. No one minds how I am because I can design, draw and build and still be the way I am. They just think I am quirky, but I look around and they are doing the same things I do, talking to inanimate objects like their computer the printer that damned wall stud that is just a little too tight. Yes I am keeping most of me in my head but still, I look around and I ask myself what do all of us have in common? Extreme intelligence? Nope, normal lives? Nope, all men in the same office that have been through traumatic events in our lives based on our own individual experiences? Yes, though they haven’t been through what I have they have been through in their mind traumatic experiences, divorce, death of a loved one, etc…

Now why did I start with you ever get the feeling no one listens to you? Because they don’t, period. I can tell someone something and it just doesn’t hit home till it is too late. I told one woman about kissing me, stupid I know but it was uncomfortable and just gross, I said kissing to me is a form of making love. Agree or disagree I don’t care, but when she was kissing me it was like she was eating an ice cream cone, I know I look vanilla but damn keep that thing under control. You don’t have to cover my face like a dog liking a bone. I won’t explain anymore about kissing but I had to say it. Actually now that I read it, it is funny. But when she says she really likes you and you say I don’t want that tongue all over my face and you patiently explain and show her how to actually kiss and she still does it every time you try to kiss? Well she wasn’t listening. Yes I know this is a silly thing to be saying about not listening but I used this as but an example, hell people no one listens to me about anything, so there you have it, a rant? Hell I don’t know but it is off my chest and that is the point.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

In the Life of me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 9, 2012 by dankline2000

Another day just like the last, and the ones before that. Wake in the morning 8am take pills, get something to drink, wander about the house telling all good morning. Go to the bathroom, walk back into room sit on edge of my bed and wonder how did I end up like this. Turn and sit on bed grab computer look at it for several minutes in hope that it might contain the answers to how I got this way. Hit the space bar and wander around the net looking for something, anything to occupy my mind with, books, movies, comics whatever, this is all part of a routine that I have become. I check my emails, read from several different blogs that I have subscribed to, post on some like on others. Listen for my wife in case she needs me, cruise the internet some more hoping to come across something that will catch my mind’s eye, nothing most of the time. I don’t even want to write anymore I can’t get my brain to function like that anymore. It is the sameness of it all that is killing me slowly, what can I do to change up my life, make it more interesting? It is a question I ask myself several times a day. The biggest problem I have in this life is boredom, the lack of means to do anything at all, am I doomed to live like this for the rest of my days. If so I should just end it now and release the boredom from my life, hell I am even to bored to do that, it doesn’t appeal to me.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Chemical Blinders…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by dankline2000

It grows old the feeling that I have, the ripping, tearing, blood pounding mind numbing sameness of it all, does it ever change? Will this be the rest of my life? I don’t like it, I don’t want it, and I don’t care anymore. I am a rat kept in a perpetual maze looking for the cheese to show me the way out, turn left not right, go straight ahead, turn right instead of left, every day the same routine, wait for the bell in order to take your pills, eat once a day whether you want to or not.

What I have is a feeling of nothing anymore, lack of anger, sadness, fear, laughter, life is the same and I blame the pills, I blame the times I spent in the hospital, I blame the Doctors that prescribed the medication in the first place. It has taken from me the things that make me different from all others, this lack of true emotion, and a state of mind. I can’t even rage against the fact that I feel this way that has been taken away from me as well. I can’t marvel at the world around me, I walk with chemical blinders on the sides of my head eyes only forward going nowhere and doing nothing.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Again I have no title for this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 6, 2012 by dankline2000

The search, it is all we have to find a better state of mind to function as a whole, but ever searching for the source or the cure if you will, each in our own way tries to find it, whether it is chemical, physical or spiritual, we still keep searching. What happens if we just stop searching and let the answer come to us instead of always putting forth so much effort in to the search what if what we are looking for is inside each and every one of us? Maybe, just perhaps we are our own cure, it hurt I know form fact that our disease hurts, but is there really a miracle cure? Will the next pill, the next therapy session make any difference? We who are not allowed to sit quietly at rest, who are constantly striving to be what society calls normal, well we aren’t and what is the definition of normal anyway? We hurt, we have many different parts to our minds, we are depressed, and we cut ourselves to show that we have some control over ourselves. We hide ourselves away from the civilized world when we don’t feel normal, we lay in bed until we feel normal, we don’t even leave the house. Society made us what we are and yet now we don’t correspond to what society says is normal, it is not our fault it is theirs. We live, we feel, we bleed and yet we are wrong for the way we are, I know that what I am is not right but I am at a point where I have stopped trying to conform to what society says is right, they say it isn’t right to have more than one personality in my head, well don’t people talk to themselves all the time? They say it isn’t right that I sleep for days at a time, I am depressed they say, ok so what is wrong with being depressed? I don’t feel the need to go out and live in your place in this world I want to live in mine, so I don’t get out of bed or leave the house for a few days, it is my right it helps me and yes there might be a time that it may go overboard but by whose standard? Yours or mine? Cutting is it really necessary to show myself that I am in control of me? No it is actually a way to show you that I am in control of me, if I can cut myself that means I can control what happens to me. They have put me on so many different medications I have to wonder if what is wrong with me is a side effect of the medications that I am taking, listen to this, most anti depressants cause depression, anti anxiety medications after prolonged use cause anxiety. So how do you fix it do you stop all the medications and get back to the point you were before you started this whole fucking mess, well guess what you can’t, we have become dependent on the medications to help us feel like we are almost normal. I have found a sound in my life that I hate more than my life, it is the sound of the alarm that tells me it is time to take another pill, what I am now a trained human, if the bell rings I take a pill. If we stopped doing and taking all the things that they tell us are helping us will we be better or worse? I have tom think of these things, I am a very angry person due to circumstances in my life that made me scared and I don’t do fear very well it transfers to anger and questions which can never be answered, there is no one to answer the questions anymore, so why not just drop it and move on, because I can’t I still want to know why and what the hell for. You see I am me, Dan Kline I cannot help the problems I have because things happened, and that is the end of the story no answers to the questions I have and to be honest I am scared to ask the questions, and I don’t think that I could have handled the answers, I really don’t want to ever go back to that place in my mind that may hold any information about those questions, it is a moot point now, those people are dead and I can’t place blame on them anymore they are or have been judged on their actions and appropriate measures have been taken, I hope. I have to believe they have been made to atone for their sins and indiscretions.

I am who I am and I don’t really give a fuck what society as a whole thinks of me, I no longer want to fit into their round hole and be a circle because I am not I am a square trying to fit into a rectangular hole and by damn I will fit if I only try hard enough that is who I am, I have voices in my head, I get depressed and sometimes sleep for days, sometimes I don’t leave the house for days, now I don’t cut myself but if I did so what, it is my body and my mind and in will do it if it makes me feel in control, yes I can go too far but that is my choice not yours not anyone else’s business but mine, do I want to ne dead, I would be a liar if I said no. Sometimes I do feel like I should be dead and that the people around me would be better off, but I don’t say this because I want to take my life I am just being honest, would have it any other way? What else is there to say I have spun it out for you to read a confession of sorts, more of a rant some will say but here it is in black and white? I just have to wonder if I am not alone in the way I feel, it makes me want to find a little place all to myself and never leave just become the crazy old man that lives in the woods by himself. Well maybe not I would miss not having internet, or flushing toilets and running water, comforts of life if you will. Oh and Diet Pepsi I would miss that most of all. I just want to move on with my life and quit looking backwards for in looking back there are no answers I want to look forward and see what happens next…..

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Rant Number 1,125…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 5, 2012 by dankline2000

Wednesday, September 05, 2012, time for me to rant a bit. Why, because sometimes people can’t see past the end of their own noses and it pisses me off. What I might have to say on a few of these subjects might piss you off but feel free to tell me about it, please I encourage it.

Education, who is smarter, is a person with a secondary education smarter than a person with just a high school degree, that is an easy answer right? Well no it isn’t I happen to know a feller or two with only high school educations that do jobs that I couldn’t do and well they can’t do the job I used to do, I guess it is all in the training that you get, so wouldn’t this training constitute education also, is OJT not an education? And is education just limited to what you learn on the job or in school, I don’t think so if you learn that your hand gets burnt if you stick it on something hot is that not learning. If you follow a trail in the woods and remember it is that not educations, I think that learning never stops you learn something new every day, but I could be wrong and most times I am.

Religion is the next thing, I believe what I believe is that wrong, well no not in my eyes, but it seems that others think that the way I believe is wrong, and how it can be wrong if we are talking about the same God. I just happen to celebrate God in a different way than you do. So you want to tell me about your religion and I am willing to listen to you and we might even agree on some things but disagree on others. So who is right here, it is just a matter of what you believe versus what I believe I don’t think either of us is wrong. What I do think is wrong is that I am not judging you on your beliefs but you are judging me on mine, why just because your church says that the way I believe happens to not be right, fuck that and your church, all they are a money grubbing gold diggers, my way is only to treat the land with all the respect I can and to help to keep it in the best shape I can, to do unto others as I would have done on myself and never harm none. Tell me if your church preaches that, ya fucking morons, yes what I say here will come back on me but I am angry, who on this earth has the right to tell me how I am supposed to worship, I tend to be in nature right in the  middle of God’s creation, listening to the beast and the birds, watching the fish in the stream swimming, watching the creatures he made go about their lives in harmony with one another, humans on the other hand are judgmental and prejudice.

Politics, the granddaddy of them all, this will be brief. I don’t do politics period. You want to talk politics with me I tune you out and turn you off.

Sexuality, live and let live. Don’t push what you believe and what you practice on others plainly it is none of your god damn business, nuff said. If you are straight that is fine with me, if you are gay that is fine with me, God gave man free will, so live your life the way that you want and to hell with what anyone else says about it, fuck them, walk around them smile and be on your merry way. Why is it that a straight man has to ask a gay man why he is gay, cant a gay man ask a straight man why he is straight? It comes down to this people it is a life choice and no the gays are not going to hell no matter what you interpret from the history book we call the bible says, after all it is a book not a guide to the universe as we know it.

What it all comes to folks is this leave people to live their lives how they want, you don’t have to agree with it and you don’t have to like it, hell I am sure there are parts of our own lives that we don’t like, but just leave people alone we have enough problems in the United States and around the world that to attack people about their personal lives is a dust mote in the cosmos. Lets fixate on the fact that Iran has nukes, lets worry over North Korea has nukes and about the genocide happening in Africa, or the continuing war in Afghanistan. Hell lets worry over the starving children right here in our own country. In the end all I ask is that we focus on the real problems not individuals life styles.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Smooth as silk…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 5, 2012 by dankline2000

I feel it like the soft fur of a mink, sliding over me slowly covering me in its thick black coolness,

Starting at the feet slowly covering me inch by inch, cell by cell, touching every nerve ending,

It feels familiar this slickness, this velvety softness caressing me like a lover,

Filling me in a way that in only know so well, it does not calm me; it does not soothe me,

Consuming me to the very fiber of my being, silkiness like I have always known,

It is a sneaky feeling as it creeps up my body covering me in its smoothness, it knows me and I know it, I relish in the feeling of its touch,

I know after a period of time it will consume my whole being and I long for that, I want that, I need that,

No one else can see it or feel it, it is only for me, and it is almost sexual in a way, in its caress, its careful covering of me sinking into my flesh, melding around every cell in my body,

It erases the pain, the fear, the hunger, the shame it fills me so that I can no longer feel anything that is a part of me, it leaves only one thing behind,

As it covers me what is left turns hard as titanium, harder than steel, this will not let anything out or anything in, and it forms a barrier around my heart and around my mind filling it with the cool embrace of its touch…..

Time to Change…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 4, 2012 by dankline2000

I have been thinking people about how to reconfigure my life, and it comes down to one thing, CHANGE. I would have to change every aspect of my life in order to reconfigure my life to make it something different than it is now, so I sit and I think about what that means, different ways of living, changing the type of people that I choose to hang out with, I am sure Gerri wouldn’t mind that part, and that is another thing if I decide to reconfigure my life would that mean she would have to change hers to and what about Dylan, hell he has been through so much change in the last year that I don’t know if he could handle anymore change.

I think that what I am saying is that I need to view my world in a different light, maybe make some small changes and see how that goes, and then if that works well perhaps I will be a better person for that, I am not contemplating changes such as my marriage or anything like that but I feel that a change even on a personal level needs to be done.

And with that comes the fear of change, the difference it will make and just what exactly will these changes be, well for me they will mean personal changes like perhaps a new physic doctor, I am having trouble with the one I have now, seeking the advice of a trauma therapist, perhaps changing medications which is one change I really don’t want to do, I hate that part.

But change also for myself such as taking better care of my personal hygiene, perhaps changing the type of clothes I wear, I feel better when I look better, I feel better when I don’t have dry skin falling on my shirt and noticing it in public, even something as small as wearing somebody spray or cologne every day, these really aren’t changes they are actually things that I need to do for myself to perhaps make me feel better about myself, maybe make it a new regime for myself leave myself notes to remind me to do these simple things for myself, because quite frankly I get so caught up in my funk that I forget to do the simple things for myself. I am going to institute these changes starting today, I need this for me. I need to start feeling better about myself and I think that if I do that maybe,  just maybe I can show my wife, my mother in law and my son that I am doing better than they think that I am. The only issue is this, I actually have to do these things and well even if in write reminders I still have to follow through with the changes, and as I know full well my follow through really sucks ass. But I am going to try, I am going to write little sticky notes for myself and put them where in can see them every day and so that I actually have to read them. That is what and how I am going to start reconfiguring my life, and hopefully I can inspire the others to follow my example.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline