Still, what to use as a Title…..

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

THE POINT IS?

I have no friends, yet have no enemies either.

I have a job, yet never make enough to fully support myself.

I have a car, yet I have nowhere to go.

I have questions, yet receive no answers.

I pray to God, yet no path unfolds.

Is this the life for me? Do I stay at my job and feel as if I live on half ration for the rest of my life? Do I find a destination to drive my car to? Do I go in search of the answers I seek? Or do I wait and see if God has a path for me? All questions, yet unanswered. I was told I would be given the means to support myself 60 hours a pay period even if I had to file paperwork, I was told I could make as much as I wanted a salary, a percentage even, yet when I answered and said what I needed there was never a reply only silence. As for friends, they come and go with life like a breeze in the forest, there when you truly need them and just a whisper when you don’t. As for a place to drive I cannot go, you see the faith I put into my job is what keeps me inside the 10’-0”X12’-0” room I stay in. Never to go and see what wonders there are to be seen. Still no answers to the questions I seek, and yet not a path lay before me except to work my job, go to my meager room, to read, to watch movies and do nothing else. You see there are those who understand then there are those who think they understand, and then there are those who pretend only to get you to keep moving in the direction they want you to move.