True story, I remember when I was younger, can’t really remember what age but I do remember the time like it was yesterday. My Father had been stationed in Coba Roho Bay, Puerto Rico at the time and it was time for us to move stations. Wow, well we were never told our next destination because I am pretty sure we all would have started a revolution. Minnesota, freaking Baudette, Minnesota, 6 miles from the Canadian border, don’t ya know. Yep there we were getting off a plane straight from Puerto Rico in Minneapolis, Minnesota in January, right smack dab in the middle of winter. Get this picture here we are getting off the plane in shorts, t-shirts and flip flops (yes I did wear shorts at one point in my life). It was well below zero in that there city of the apolis, and people were staring at us like we had lost all sense of reality, not so sure they weren’t right. My father had to go right there in the airport and buy us all winter jackets, why? Well because our entire luggage was more than likely in a different country, because it sure wasn’t there. That’s how my life went in Minnesota, but it did get better. Now imagine if you will snow, I’m not talking about the couple of inches we get here in Kentucky, I’m talking the snow piled up on the edges of the streets were taller than I am now. My first winter in Baudette was filled with so many new things, snow only being a part of it. I want to tell you about my moose experience, yes moose. See Baudette is a small community and we lived in the woods, lots of woods and lots of snow. One day my cousin Kevin and all of his family were visiting (sounds like a normal life right?) and real quick me and Kevin got bored, so out the door and into the woods we went and we didn’t go far, that is until we saw these tracks in the snow, they were huge, bigger than Kevin’s and my feet heel to toe big, pretty big, right? Well see there was something weird about these tracks, well they had long oval shapes in the back and two little dots in the front, and I mean what the hell makes that kind of foot print or track. So we started following the tracks and man they went everywhere but we just couldn’t figure out what could make tracks that big, was it a deer? No I knew what they looked like, and it was anything dangerous, because really what could be dangerous and make those kind of screwed up tracks. Then it hit us out of the blue, a moose, it had to be a moose that made those tracks, they were huge and well moose are huge I had seen them on TV. So we ran back to the house and told my father and Uncle Sam (Kevin’s Dad) what we had found and that they needed to come quick because we would lose the moose if we didn’t hurry. So there we were retracing our own tracks to find the moose tracks so we could show them. And there they were right there where we left them, so we showed them to our fathers and they walked around the tracks and then kneeled down and poked around in the tracks, the whole time telling they were not sure what kind of tracks they were so we would have to follow the tracks and see for ourselves this mysterious moose we had been tracking for several hours. So with them in tow we headed out and we searched and searched until my father stopped us, told us to be quiet and just wait. And we did now it might have only been a few minutes but to us it seemed like hours. My father pointed to a bunch of dead bushes and said wait, just wait. Oh my god are you kidding me we have been waiting for freaking ever when out of the brambles……. Hops out a snow shoe rabbit. Yep we had been tracking a rabbit for hours thinking it was a moose. Welcome to Minnesota city boy, lol.
Everyday the same as the last, neither moving forward, nor even moving back. Just the same empty existence day in and day out. Its a struggle just to survive, not knowing how you are going to get through the day, never having enough to eat, fearing for a place to live, not knowing if the lights will still be on when I wake from that pitiful thing called sleep, not understanding that the harder I try the worse it gets. No one to turn to, no one actually really cares if you wanted to know. Empty, afraid, angry at not being able to control my own life, and honestly I really don’t fucking care anymore. If you wanted to know if I have reached out to anyone, well of course I have. But in the end they had no answers to my riddles of how to go from non-existent to existing, to more than existing. I have to ask myself if anyone really has the answers to my questions, I have asked God, I have asked a man whom I have known for over 20 years, an intelligent man to say the least. But still no answers, so I am here to tell you all I am so fucking tired of the struggle just to get from day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute. I have tried so hard not to give up, but on this I give up. No one, no one on this earth will honestly listen, h but they give the look, you know that look of pity, most of the times mixed with is this guy crazy, maybe a little dangerous. It’s okay people I’m only dangerous to myself.
What to do about me and D.I.D 