Just a thought…..

If there were magic, true magic I would have everything in this world that I wanted. But it may also be said that if magic were used to gain it would it truly be yours?

My thought for the day.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Some old things, some new things and a wish for all of you…..

I do know that among the other things I am dealing with today that this is a bit stupid, I was cleaning out the bag I use to carry my things in when we go out to plow snow I came across a letter that I wrote to Gerri while in the hospital, it was written with a green marker of all things, you take what you can while in there and do the best that you can, now why am I putting it out here well because, well I don’t really know. I do understand that it makes no difference in the way she feels but I am going to do it anyway.

Funny I am writing this with a green marker in the hospital, I will put this on my blog later. When I called you earlier and asked if you loved me you said I will always love you, not I love you; you put it in the past tense. So I wanted to tell you where I failed to keep our love alive to survive. I failed you by not saying it; I failed you by not showing it. I had stopped doing all those little things that made you know I loved you. I stopped kissing you; these are just some of the ways I failed in our love. I am not asking that you take me back, and if you feel that what we had cannot be saved then divorce me. But I also remembered some of the things I do love about you, your smile. I mean when you really smile and your eyes light up. The way your hair only goes grey in the middle of the part in your hair. The sound of you laughing, watching you put on your make up, the smell of the face powder you are forever out of, the turban look when you step out of the bath body still wet and hair wrapped in a towel to dry. The way the bath towel plays peek-a-boo with your butt, lol. This is mine to say about you, I am asking nothing in return from this, I just thought you should know where I failed you.

This was at the last stopping point in my journey with the hospital system. I have not been back since and to me that is a great accomplishment in and of itself. I am no longer that person anymore, now I am not saying that I will never need the hospital again, hell sometimes it is safer in there than out here, in there they all understand and are all in the business of helping me and focusing on me to see me make it out here in the real world. I often wonder if I shouldn’t just check myself in and never leave again, but that means I have failed myself and I am not there at this point in my life.

A part of me left today it was an important part of me and yes I am having a hard time with it, but I lived without that part for a long time, can that part of me live without me? Well it is a part of me and even if it has its own mind it will eventually come back to us, I should say us because we are a whole, separate but the same. It took me well over two hours and a call to my therapist to get my system under control all of them were screaming and running around literally in my head looking for the little boy with the big blue eyes, Serena, Khayleth and even Anger were in turmoil, they don’t understand why he left or is hiding, none of us even had a clue as to why he went an hid, we did check pretty far into the recesses of my mind behind a lot of doors but as we got further in the fear came so we went back to the places we felt safe again. We talked and talked again, boy if I didn’t know me this would sound like an insane man but I am not insane just fractured, with the help of Brenda or therapist we all calmed down and realized that the little boy will eventually return, in the mean time we needed to be calm and understanding of each other, I think when he sees that we are calm and miss him he will return. I think his first time allowing himself to be heard scared him. It scared me too, but if we are all not heard in some way, if we don’t tell the things that make us afraid then we internalize them and that causes all the things that made us the way we are right now. We are all that small frightened little boy looking for someone to hold us, to tell us that we are loved, to have someone tell us we will be alright, that the monsters in our life will not harm us. This is my wish to all of you, that you have someone to do all those things that make you feel safe and loved, this is what I wish for you.

With much love and gratitude,

Daniel Kline

URGENT HELP NEEDED, PLEASE…..

Sexual abuse, and losing a intergal part of my system

He is gone; the little boy in my mind is gone. Perhaps I need to explain, we all know that other aspects of my mind can and do take over from time to time and well last night the little boy took over and revealed to Gerri some of our most hidden secrets, I am not sure why he did it but he felt he could trust her and she made him feel safe, then. He even asked her if she would give him a name, she did it was Kevin and he seemed to like it, but now it is scrawled onto my mind where he used to be and it looks like he used a rock to scratch it out, and underneath is only the little boy. Here is what he told her, he told her about when I was eight years old and about the sexual acts my father made me and my brothers perform on him, I will not go into the detail that was gone into last night, I don’t have the strength to talk about it right now. He was there this morning humming some damn lullaby that Gerri was singing to him last night, but now I, Khayleth and Serena can find no trace of him except some very angry face book messages left for Gerri, I am sure her feelings are hurt. I was sleeping this morning, and just woke up and I knew the minute I awoke that something was wrong with my system it is in chaos, the others including anger are searching for the little boy, I can no longer see him sitting there with his big blue eyes, I don’t see where anything has happened or was said to the little boy to make him run. This is extremely distressing to me part of me is missing and I can’t find it, I need someone to tell me how to find him he is just a little boy a huge part of me that is just gone, I don’t know what to do, there has to be someone out there who has had this happen please help me! I NEED HELP FINDING THE LITTLE BOY WITH THE BIG BLUE EYES, who until last night never said a word to anyone and now that he has he is gone. PLEASE HELP ME; I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

A promise from me to me…..

So if you had been told like I have been told over the last several days that you had the emotional fortitude of a lama, you think that it would give you a hint that there is something smelly in Denmark (no offense to the people of Denmark, it is just a saying I either made up or heard somewhere), I mean it took one of my readers whom is very dear to me to, telling me to take an emotional coffee break for me to see that I have been wrapped up, twisted and borderline obsessive with the way I am feeling, insert notation here, not that I am in no way dismissing how I feel. But I am being unobjective to myself, blaming myself for how another feels or in this case felt for me or not about me at all. It is so draining, it takes so much energy from me that I have nothing left for me or for that matter anyone else, it’s as if I am putting out there for the universe a literal kick me sign, if others can feel it and sense it what a put off that must be, to see me a grown ass man wallowing in self pity and wasting energy chasing my own tail.

 

Now as good as all that sounds it is very hard to stop myself from doing just that, chasing my own tail. It takes will and effort to do this and I am afraid that I haven’t the ability to stop this wallowing in self pity. I have gained from my experiences, I know what and how to love, now to step out in the world and let others see me for me, know me for me the man I am not the wretch that is sitting in front of this computer. Still sounds good right? It is even harder to contemplate going forth and finding something I know I already had and want still to this very second.

But I will make a promise to myself that from this hour forward every day I will do something for me, even something as small as to stop and look around me and find wonder in this world I do actually live in, as for the rest I will do what I can one step at a time, crawl, walk, run in that order. This I promise to myself.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

If only it would stop…..

If you had lived my life, would you be in the same place as I?

If you knew what it was like for me would you have expected differently from me?

I never understood things like love, family, even friendship. To me these were things as foreign as Chinese. To understand me better it would actually take putting you through the same things that happened in my life to make you understand.

I have a gift for understatement it seems for though my life is and was hell it probably pales in comparison to others. You see I was physically abused, I was mentally abused, I was emotionally abused, and I was sexually abused. My mind broke you see, it broke into many separate pieces. Today is a better day because it seems that I am cooperating with myself.

Would I change my life if I could, that question has been asked of me not only from me but several professionals, no I tell them life lived cannot be changed, things done, cannot be undone. I do digress on this subject for a moment the only thing I would change is to not have become a psychiatrist’s proving ground, I feel that the medications they were giving me made me worse and I have proof of that sitting right here typing this. If chances were wings frogs wouldn’t bump their ass when they jumped, well I have been given many chances in my life some good most bad.

It seems the one thing I do want a chance at will never be granted, like I have said things done can never be undone, but I have also said that new beginnings come from old endings. I describe love as this, when one person cannot live without the other, when thoughts of this person flow through out your every waking thought almost obsessive in nature, you cannot tell your life from theirs. When you do things for them even without thought, when you pass an item in a store and it makes you think of them, when you know that just their touch will give you a feeling of immense contentment, yes even when you get irritated and aggravated with them, you still feel love for them. I only found this for the first time in my life and now that I am denied the person that gave me the ability to understand what this is, I don’t seem to be able to move on, I now know what love is, so why is it that I do not ever want to love another person in my life again but her?

Were the things I did so bad that she cannot love me; I will have to say the answer to that is yes, am I confused beyond all rationality that is a true statement? I feel a need to explain that, the end was more sudden than I expected almost as if I ceased to exist, from say goodbye and I love you to goodbye forever in less than a day. It didn’t happen slowly in my eyes but at the time I was blinded by science and their pharmacopeia of pills every day, but you would think that I was still aware of more than just me.

Here I sit trying to convince myself that there is something more to all of this than there is, bottom line is that she doesn’t love me anymore, will not try to see me for the man I am, hell won’t even look past the end of her nose in my direction. So why even try? You tell me and then we will both know.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan (the confused one still) Kline

The way of the leaf…..

It seems that when I am pushed I tend to push back harder and often times stronger than I was pushed in the first place, now that is a problem and I need to understand and learn to deal with it. So I have come up with sort of an answer, it is called being a leaf or the way of the leaf for you Robert Jordan fans with the exception that if violence is done unto me I will do violence in return if you leave me be no harm will befall you. So here it is, like a leaf falling from a tree it is unstable, and doesn’t always follow a direct path but moves and flows with the breeze it is carried by till it eventually ends up on the ground. So I am going to be like the leaf and go with the breeze and fall gently to the ground eventually. This, in theory, is a good idea now if I can only practice what in preach, that will be the key. Most of the time I am that big limb that crashes to the ground taking out all the branches below me with no concern or regard for the other limbs. But I am going to try this and see if it works.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Tearing down my last defenses…..

The wheel weaves as the wheel wills…..

Trebuchet, the words ring from the voices of the defenders of my walls, the walls of my emotional castle,

Defenders rushing to and fro watching and waiting as boulder after boulder of emotions are hurled at my defenses,

Madness it seems to me for they do not know where the boulders will land, and land they do battering my defenses till they weaken from repeated blows,

The emotions race through me like fire in my veins, racing to the very heart of me,

I am left defenseless, not more walls to be torn down, I am vulnerable, and I am in the open to be taken from one emotion to another,

I cannot hate you, I cannot ever deny you, and you are as much a part of me as the very air I breathe,

Tell me what to do, give me a purpose once again, without you I am no better than a gaishain, a white robed servant doing a year and a day of penance,

I have no honor left, no fight, I have no way to tell you of my love for you, worse to tell you these things than not, not true either way holds misery for me,

Your indifference is it feigned, I could only hope but in my heart I know it is true.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Never more real than right now…..

Tree of Life

Damn it what is wrong with me, I really don’t give a shit about white, grey or black. Walking a thin line, ha, I am only fooling myself, yes it sounds great on paper right. I always thought I had some control over whether I lived or died, like it was mine to control. I have no fucking control over my own damn life, there are too many variables for me to be able to know when I will die and by what means. Fuck I keep thinking about it, trying to put a brave front on it for all the world to see, but it is simple, I have no control over my own life or death, the first responders told me that we all should have died in this accident and from what I just saw as we rode by the scene he may have been right, so why all those many times of timid botched suicide attempts. I will tell you why I was too afraid to die, more afraid of that than living with who I am. I have mental problems I don’t know that they are all not flat out lies in their own right, the things done to me were real but what about me, self doubt has set in very strongly and it took this incident to make me look at things in a different way or light, my father, my mother, my brothers, my wife and my children all of them lost to me or scattered to the four corners of the world, my father and mother dead, I never got to say goodbye to either one of them, my eldest brother far across the ocean, I never even got to know him, my second eldest brother, we hardly talk at all and rarely see each other, yet he lives in Florida. My wife, I can never get her back, too much pain and too many I am sorry for her to ever return to me though I love her with all my fucked up little heart. My children Daniel, William and Dylan. Well Daniel lives in Louisiana and we don’t see each other as often or ever since he left, and talk even less. William lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and I haven’t seen him since he was a toddler and yet I think I have his correct phone number but I am afraid that he will reject me if I even try to call. Dylan is my light and life, he loves me no matter how fucked up I am and I feel I don’t deserve that love, but I see him as much as I can. So how do I change the fear into courage, I want to tell every one of these people how much I love them, that I want to get to know them, that I miss them. It is a simple idea I call or visit them, but for the fear I would. This is what has happened to me from one moment of time one clear vision that I don’t control my life, it is controlled by another and when it is time for me to leave this earth that other will do what needs to be done. Just wish I could put all that fear in a bottle and bury it in the earth and never have it again. Give me the strength to fix all the wrongs done by me in my past and never allow me to do the same things again in my life time…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

A point expressed but lost in translation…..

All of my life I have walked a narrow edge between right and wrong, I know you have all heard me preach this before, but it is because of what happened on Saturday night that I am telling this again, you see in those moments between realizing that my death will end at the finality of this ride and from the actual moment of impact I knew I was right, I won’t go to heaven and I won’t go to hell, I will walk in the silent shadows of these two powers, knowing that my actions will create reactions in both the living world and the ever after. You say man this guy is nuts and you would be correct, you may also say how could this one man’s decisions in life alter the balance between good and evil, you might even say there is no fine line between the two, you are either good or evil.

Well think about all the things you have done in your life all the things you knew might get you into trouble, things you may have taken or even if you got high or just for shits and giggles you took an extra pill just to go to sleep, knowing that when you took that pill, smoked that pot or took something from someone else it was wrong. Now does that make you evil for doing those things, no it doesn’t because to most they are trivial not worth mentioning, trust me I am right in this. There is a fine line between the two and people walk it more times than not. Now let’s look at something else, a man kills his wife in a fit of rage, blind passionate rage because of some indiscretion is he evil did he plan to kill his wife or is it an emotional response to the situation in the moment? I can only give examples and not tell you whether he is evil or not, we don’t know the man, or the circumstances involved, but we can and do ask questions like what type of man was he, did he beat his wife was he a bad father, you can ask any number of questions about this man to find out if he is good or evil, but it is in the moment that split second when he did what he did that he made a choice to do violence to kill his wife, he didn’t plan it out, it was not premeditated. Would you agree that if he was a good husband, father and was a good man up to that point, is he then evil? I would have to say that is a grey area wouldn’t you? Now let’s look at the man who stalks his victims, a man who knows he will do violence in his heart, who sits and watches and waits and then does the act of violence to his intended victim. Is this man evil, that is not a grey area, you can ask the same questions as were asked about the other man and you may even find that the answers are the same. What’s the difference well this last man planned out his attacks, he is calculated, cold and uncaring.

Hell you can shoot holes in this post all you want it isn’t about anyone else but me and my need for others to understand that I am not a bad man nor am I a good man, I do what needs to be done and for most you won’t understand how and why I am the way I am. I am the way I am because of life and my own decisions made in this life, I am the way I am because it has always been this way. I came to full realization on that night when everything I am, was or will ever be was shooting through my mind as fast as the car was hurtling towards the roadside barrier. Was it a prediction, what the hell do I know about that, was it meant for me to see, I think it was, is it right, I don’t know that either, but it was laid out for me and me alone. All that silly shit I wrote above was just me trying to get my thoughts together to actually say what I wanted to say. Can one man change things in the way I described them, I think that one man can change things in that way. Hell look at history, one good example is that one woman would not move to the back of the bus, change. I could take out the entire first part of this but it shows you the thought process and that is all, I have yet to figure this all out for myself, and I may never figure it all out. Do you believe in destiny do you believe that we are all on this earth to make a difference in some way shape or form? It would be nice wouldn’t it, just to believe that one thing you do in your life will make a difference. Man did I get far afield from my point, so far in fact that I don’t remember the point now.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Two things…..

Me at the VFW post Saturday night

This post talks about near death issues and the fear of not controling it…..

Two things, first I almost died last night, really I am amazed that I am even alive. I am not talking about the slow lazy seeping of blood from slitting your wrists nor am I speaking of the quick death of a bullet to the brain. I am talking about knowing you are going to die and you having no control over it, it is in another’s hands. Now I will tell you the how then I will tell you the why.

I suppose that the why should come first or it will be harder to understand the how.

Saturday at 7:30pm Richard, myself and his girlfriend Connie got ready to go to the VFW Post that Richard and I got to once in awhile on Thursday nights, a friend of ours bartends up there so we go and sit with her and at the end of the night we walk her to her car. Well that Saturday we were invited up there for a benefit for the post. Now you do need to know that Richards’s girlfriend really didn’t want to go you see she was not feeling well, but under Richards’s persistence she gave in and went anyway, so to set the tone Connie really didn’t want to go in the first place, so she was a bit irritated to begin with. So we show up and because Richard and I have been there several times we were recognized by several of the older women of the VFW, they gave each of us a hug and a little chit chat about how we were, you know the small talk of people who know each other but really don’t know you at all. Then the friend of ours came up and Richard said in a teasing voice now there is my girlfriend talking of course about our friend that we saw on Thursday nights. Did not sit well with Connie to say the least. Well we were shown to our table and we had a few beers and drinks, and well let’s just say that things between Richard and Connie were a bit strained, ok plainly put she was jealous of Richards affections towards our friend, I do have to tell you that we have known this woman for a long time. Well so it went for the next several hours first they (Richard and Connie) were nit picking each other then they were holding hands and all smiles and kisses, until around 10:00pm when out of the blue Connie upended all the drinks on our end of the table spilling them everywhere including on me, well I got upset and told Richard I was done it was time to go home, I still don’t know why she did what she did with the drinks and I guess I never will find out. So as we are headed to the car I am grumbling about being wet for no apparent reason and Connie decides to snap and bitch at me and well I returned the favor. We got in the car and she immediately started in on Richard and to be honest I cannot remember what the hell she was saying, we hadn’t even left the parking lot, so we turned right out of the lot and we got maybe less than a quarter mile down the street when Richard snapped. I have to tell you that this is a man who doesn’t do anger if he is upset with you, you will know because he will ignore you, not this time he turned in his seat and just snapped he yelled at the top of his lungs that this is fucking enough that he could not and would not take any more of this shit, that it had better stop right fucking now, as you can guess it didn’t.

Now comes the part I have been thinking about all day long, it has left me pretty much helpless and in a near state of panic all day. Richard shoved the gear lever down into the low one selector on the transmission and floored the car, the car is a little four door cavalier four cylinder car, he let the car wind up to about fifty five miles per hour in low gear and then went through the other gears to put it back into drive by that time we were going over 100 miles per hour, I kept telling him that I had my son at the house please slow down I told him three times. This is where I knew I was going to die because he told me that I would survive but the rest of us will not, fear sets in the fear of not being in control, of having my life placed into the hands of a man that has lost it, no longer in rational control of both his own emotions and state of mind, we come up on a curve not a sharp curve but enough of a one that it has a guard rail we hit the end of the guard rail at 90 miles per hour, from here things get a bit hazy, but I saw it, I saw all the things I had done in my life and all the things I have yet to do, I saw every person I ever loved, I saw what it would be like for my son to know that his father was dead and how that would affect him for the rest of his life. We sideswiped another car and slid through the intersection and ended up in a grassy patch between the road and the parking lot of a White Castles, I had been thrown over the front seat smashing the front window with my back and was violently thrown back into the back seat as hard as I hit the front window. I didn’t know if or how badly I was hurt, I didn’t know if I was even dead. I had to forcibly kick my door open on the passenger side in order to get out, as I stood I could feel the muscles of my back, shoulders, left knee and left shoulder all try to pull themselves together into one big mass. The thing here is that the fear built up to a fevered pitch, I knew when we hit the guard rail that I was going to die and was told by the first responders that they didn’t know why we all walked away from this, I guess it wasn’t my time. I cannot get the fear out of my head; it has a taste sort of like copper, almost like blood. It has set me back quite a bit in the emotional department; I have the feeling in my entire body of what it was like for me as a child now. So what is it that I do know, it has shown me things I know about and some that I didn’t, it makes me treasure the things that I hold dearest to my heart and that is family.

Needless to say Richard went to jail, Connie went to the hospital and I went home, the rest of what awaits is for the future.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline