Archive for December, 2013

Any Suggestions…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 16, 2013 by dankline2000

Chaos Symbol

Chaos Symbol

Somehow it seems as though I cannot escape the inevitability that I am not like everyone else, I am different, I am not your average person, and I am different. I no longer think the same as I used to, I no longer react to situations that in the past I have been able to handle. The difference is just this, my mind; my mental issues have changed me to the point that I am not sure how to handle everyday situations. I am trying to return to work, and actually have but it is completely different, and to be sure it is not just me. Even the company that I worked with for 13 years has changed, only two people are the same, the owner and one other that I worked with side by side for many years. This is the place I have always called home but the feelings, the stress; the confusion of what we are doing now is great. It has changed into a design build firm and is no longer just a design firm. You see the problem is this, while I am a project manager for the design side I am also a construction manager, with jobs that need to be done but I have to say that I am actually doing the construction, not managing the projects. This is not new to me I have been doing this for many years, so you ask what is the problem? It is this, it is chaos total and undeniable chaos, I have walked into several projects that have been started by others and well they are not right and it has fallen on my shoulders to get them correct, shoddy construction has all but destroyed one woman’s house, poor time management has pushed another so far out that we are losing money on it. And still yet we have people that are not following the scope of work laid out before them and are apparently doing whatever they want, I feel as if the whole thing is about to explode and all I want to do is help get things back on an even keel, I know I can do this if I can just sit and figure it out. We job hop, by that I mean that instead of concentrating on the scope of work for one project we are jumping from project to project trying to get things done, concentration is lost, moral is lost and the general feeling of not accomplishing a damn thing prevails upon us all. I have loved this company and the man who owns it and feel as if I am becoming a detriment and not a help. I want to concentrate on one thing and get it done but the nature of the beast is thus, we have micro deadlines, certain milestones have to be met in order to get paid. Yes this is unusual, no it is not the way I would normally do things but it has to be this way in order for the company to move forward and prosper. If I said that as a construction manager it is my responsibility to move these things along I would be correct. If I also said that although I can do the construction work it is better to get dedicated sub-contractors to do the actual work, well it isn’t going to happen. It seems that my beloved company has, well developed a certain reputation for not paying the subs, but if I told you that it was government work and that we were working with very small sub-contractors it would be the truth. We get paid a certain way, and the subs get paid as we get paid and in that…… you know what let me get to the heart of the problem, I have been trying to get this older woman’s house fixed, it is a short list but because of the original framing contractor doing shoddy work it has caused many more problems with the house.

I wish that I could but fix what I see,

I wish that I could just take the stress and confusion and leave it out where it needs to be,

I wish that I could be what it is exactly what they need,

I know in my heart that I can do this; I know in my mind that if I continue the way I am that a mental breakdown is inevitable. I know I can do this, I know I can stop the chaos. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to get the communication flowing from one person to another.

I know that this is not rocket science, it is easy. You see the problem you come up with a game plan and you implement the game plan, if we can get this mind set than I think that we can move forward with much better productivity.