Archive for November, 2013

Do I really see…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 28, 2013 by dankline2000

It seems that my mind, so preoccupied all the time doesn’t see or understand what my eyes and heart are telling. It seems I only listen with one ear, never to the words that are said nor the meaning behind them. I hear, I see, but I don’t think, my mind as always is on one thing. But never the same thing twice. This does not make sense, this I understand, but how do I control my thoughts, how do I focus upon the things I see and hear, just one thing at a time, I must listen, look and hear to fully understand. I grow confused at this, I get agitated at this. It seems that the whole world is telling me something but I cannot seem to grasp what it is the universe is telling me. Am I to go forward in ignorance, not comprehending? I don’t know for I cannot get my mind to slow enough to listen as I once was able to. I do not seem to be able to express with words how it is, and what it is like for me. I don’t know what to do, plain and simple.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

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Would you understand?????

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 22, 2013 by dankline2000

47_ronin_ttileHow is it that a man can only be one man and yet be many men at one time? How is it that a man can walk fully in the sunlight yet only live in the shadows? Am I this man of many men? Am I able to walk fully in the sunshine yet only live in the shadows?

I do, I do all of these things and more, I have more than one mind, I have more than one person living in my head and yet I am fully aware of all things that go on around me, inside of me and in the shadows that surround me. I am passionate, I am strong, and I am intelligent. But I am also weak, uncontrolled and misguided.

I have no one master, meaning I am not the master of myself, in this regards I am a Ronin a man with no master, destined to be alone, to be directionless, to be unguided for the rest of my life. Does this make me sad? No because it is a future, a decision I have made for myself.

I cannot be anything to anyone because I cannot be anything for my own self. If I have confused you then all you have to do is look in my eyes, you will see the truth there, you will also see the absence of life, love and happiness. You will see confusion, anger, fear and hatred. I will never be one to look upon another and see what others do, I only see what you want, what you need, what I can do for you. Make no mistake, for I will never have a master, nor be my own master.

You see emotions control men, not the other way around. It is emotions that get in the way of everything and nothing. In the end you only have yourself, you can never rely on others to do for you, and you must do for yourself.

Understand?????

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 20, 2013 by dankline2000

It takes the mind of a man so confused to understand that things never, ever will go the way he thinks. It seems to fail that when you think that you are doing the one thing you want to do it never is the one thing that is right. Always something so simple, so insignificant to you is the rest of the world’s destruction. It never matters what you want even if it is so simple that to you it is just that, simple. You can hope for it, pray for it, desire it so much, but in the end you are wrong it is never what it ever will be, because I don’t think that anyone but one’s self understands. I have been told so many times I will, I will, but yet it never happens. Then when it gets to the point of complete and utter frustration that you can no longer stand it, you are wrong, you are asking for too much, you don’t understand. Just one thing, that too me is simple I wanted to see you, not for a week, a day or even an hour, all I wanted is just a glimpse. But it neither was nor will ever to be, the reasons escaped me and still yet do. To you I always asked, to me I hardly asked.

Words have failed me to explain to you, to make you understand and now I never will. You keep yourself in such an unpredictable state of constant flux that I cannot keep up with you. Now I have destroyed the only thing I ever loved, because in the end I will never tell you that your words were not right, I will always bow to your wants, needs and desires. I will live in sorry and loss, but I will move on whether I want to or not because I cannot bear to feel as if I have caused you such great pain, for what seems such a simple thing, please remind me that I do not understand.

Well…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 7, 2013 by dankline2000

If you think it is, it isn’t,

If you want it, it won’t happen,

Try as you might to tell it to someone else, they don’t listen,

It isn’t as if it is impossible, or is it?

You never know until it is too late.

By then you know it won’t happen, it will never happen and there aint one damn thing you can do about it.