Archive for October, 2012

To love a child…..

Posted in Fatherhood & Family with tags on October 27, 2012 by dankline2000

To live and love a child is the most wonderful feeling in the world, to know that a person in your life loves you without any strings; an unconditional love is what I am talking about. When their smile makes you feel like the most important person in the world. When you here Daddy or dad you just light up inside like the sun is in the center of your chest and is bursting to get out, that is real love, real life. I moss that I haven’t seen my son in over two weeks, I have talked to him on the phone but it is not the same as wrapping your arms around him and telling him I love you, and I do with all my being, with every fiber of my body. Someone took that away from me, of no fault of their own it was my doing, but to live without that love is a lonely existence, I feel alone all by myself. I want to hold him to tell him all the things that a boy needs to hear from his father, but it isn’t the same as having him with you every day of your life like I have for the last twelve years…..

Dan Kline

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Poetry…..

Posted in Poetry, Uncategorized with tags on October 27, 2012 by dankline2000

So I have been asked to put my poems into a collective and submit them to a professional poem website but I dint know if any, if anyone knows a site like that please let me know.

With much love and devotion,

Dan Kline

Is this a confessional…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on October 26, 2012 by dankline2000

It seems the truth was held behind my eyes for all I could see was anger fear and resentment, I followed those thoughts inward with more than a little fear, pushing aside the hurt, pain and confusion to see that the real problem is me.

Where would I be if my life had taken a different turn, I will never know because thinking like that will just end in misery. I want to be the person that I think I am supposed tom be, but I cannot I learned that from an early age. I have to be what others want me to be, to be that will stop the pain the fear and the hurting of a small child’s body, even today I try and do become what others want me to be. It is something that is ingrained into me, a part of whom I am. I get lost from time to time and the feelings get to real for me and I have to run, I have to get away, but I am only running from me and in return not only do I get hurt but others also. Down the years I have been many things to many people, friend, lover, husband, confidant, what it is that they needed from me. It was all a show put on by to hide behind who I am, and the real issue is this I don’t know who I am, I could be one of four people at any given time, anger, the boy, Khayleth and Serena and sometimes I am just Dan. I have no idea at this point in time who of these people I am, mostly I am the boy who has lost his family once again so I cry I get angry and I throw temper tantrums to see if I can get my way. Then anger slaps him down and calls him names and takes over and that is when people get hurt, that is when I get hurt. I really don’t expect that too many will understand what it is that I am talking about but it is all of me. I run, I fight, I love, I live, I cry and I scream. It seems as though no one is listening to me. I am no longer talking about my recent problems but things that have been going on for years, I live a fear based life, fear that if everything is going smoothly that it will eventually get screwed up and I will get hurt, so in my twisted mind I go ahead and screw them up first so other get hurt rather than me, now don’t get me wrong I still get hurt but I beat them to the punch. Let me list some examples. I will first start with a job that I had for almost 14 years, I left the company several times during that time frame because it was to good I was doing alright I was making progress so I would quit, and the owner was nice enough to allow me to come back several times but in the end enough was enough for him and he couldn’t trust me not to run out on him when things got tough. I did the same thing with my first marriage, we were in love things were going great, so I left it was going to good, she let me come back and I left again all of this was based on the fact that I couldn’t handle a normal life a life that was good and no one was hurting me and no one was making do things I didn’t want to do, in the end much like my job enough was enough the pain on her part was too great. Now we come to the Navy I didn’t finish that either not the KYARNG I would go and do what I was supposed to do but it was to good I was doing great once again, so I fucked myself in the end by not going I thought I was fucking them by not showing up like I was supposed to but once again in the end enough was enough. Ever since 2008 I haven’t even tried to do the right thing I would just give up, give up trying to find a job or if I had a job I would fuck it up, do you see a pattern here. Based on the way my childhood was it turned me into a person that cannot be trusted, it split my mind wide open and into many different parts, and on top of that was the fear it was real you could feel it I can still feel it and I shouldn’t, I am scared, I am not strong I get my strength from others and not from within. And yet I do have to talk about my recent troubles because they are the same ones I have been dealing with all my life the fear that things are going good and that they will somehow get fucked up and guess what I did it before anyone else could, I cheated, I left, I ran in some cases and in the end enough was enough. Like I said before I don’t expect any understanding because I can hardly understand it myself. I found a person that created a safe place for me to start going through some of the emotions that I was having, it wasn’t easy and it did hurt the both of us but I was moving forward, not anymore I pushed myself right back into that little scared boy that needs to be held and told that it is ok to stop running, it is ok not to be scared. And yes I fucked it up before anyone else could do it; I force everyone who has ever loved me to go away. I want the cycle to end but it is always turning in my mind never ending and never to be trusted again by anyone. I have DID and I have 4 distinct personalities living inside my head, I have PTSD and flinch when you get to near or I pull away when you want to get close, fear that is what it is fear, I am depressed it is all a bit overwhelming if you ask me, I have anxiety once again it all gets a little overwhelming. This is the man I am and Rome wasn’t built in a day so trying to heal me won’t happen overnight. I wish that it could be that way but it isn’t, in the end enough is enough, I have hurt the people I most love in this life…..

With much love and devotion,

Dan Kline (I think)

Enter the libido…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on October 26, 2012 by dankline2000

So I kind of wanted to talk to you guys and tell you that I am sorry for not really reading others posts especially my favorite ones, but that is not the subject I want to discuss. Over the years I have had several medication changes and well it has taken a toll on my body especially my sex drive, it has been almost nonexistent for about 4 years, and to be honest I don’t know if it is my body or the medications that I am on and that is one of the problems that my wife is having with me. I haven’t responded well to her advances but I have to tell you like I told her in our fight last night my body just doesn’t work like that, now she says that we could have done other things besides intercourse but you have to have an emotional attraction or a desire to do those things which is part of my problem it is not that I don’t find my wife beautiful, I do, but I have no sex drive because I know that I don’t work right and it gets very frustrating to me because it doesn’t. One of the tests the doctor did was for low testosterone to see if that might be the problem, I hope that it is because that would explain a lot. So I don’t know how to explain it to my wife now that I have pissed her off.

With much love and devotion,

Dan Kline

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Photos, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 25, 2012 by dankline2000

Holy shit, here comes the rain…..

Wantin to go…..

Posted in Uncategorized on October 25, 2012 by dankline2000

Thinking about asking my brother David if I can come stay with him……

Dan

I just don’t know what to do…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Poetry, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on October 23, 2012 by dankline2000

I don’t know what to do, cause all I ever had was loving you, you tell me you don’t love me like you used to,

But the love that beats within my chest is the same as the day we met,

I don’t know what to do, you pull away and it scares me to death,

I wander the streets remembering the days we had together, both happy and sad,

You won’t call me, you won’t write me, and my heart is broken and will never mend,

I don’t know what to do, cause all I ever had was loving you,

Some things that I did were wrong; I don’t see no forgiveness coming soon,

You walk the memories of my mind, the smile on your face replaced with anger,

The touch of your hand is so cold it burns, but look in my eyes and you will see the love that I have for you still burns within me, no cold will put out that fire,

I long to touch you to run my fingers through your deep dark brown hair, to look into your beautiful blue eyes and see what it was that I used to see, I don’t see no forgiveness coming soon,

I feel crazy, I feel lonely all I want is to run back into your arms and bury my face into your hair and stay there for a little while,

I just don’t know what to do.

Dan Kline