Just for this day…..

For today I ask just this, to be granted a semblance of peace of mind. To not allow the anger to show, but to let the anger dissipate and be gone from my body, my mind and my soul. To be able to live with myself just the way I am. To be aware of what it is that I am doing, not only to myself but others. To learn to trust others as I don’t trust but one person now and it isn’t me. To show others that I am fully capable of caring and of doing for others as they have done for me. To be given the chance to love again, to truly feel the love I have felt before.

I want to just be, I am not sure if i understand what that is but I am willing to learn. I want to be calm, open minded and aware. Not closed off, not separated, not in a state of seemingly suspended animation to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I grow weary of this cycle and wish it to stop.

To take the things I have learned in my life and to pass them on, to show, not to teach for teaching is not something I am capable of doing. To pass on what limited knowledge I have to another, I would like that to be my son, but as he grows older he has to walk his own path, but I would like him to walk that path with some of the things I have shown him along the way. This last week my son worked with me, actually worked with me to achieve a goal set before me and if it were not for him I would not have achieved that goal. To say that I am proud of him is not enough; I have no words to express how pleased I am with him. To see him work at something, to work till his arms ached, his back hurt and he was sore all over. He didn’t quit, he complained very little, but he did not stop till the day’s work was completed, then went back again the very next day and did it all over again. And yet still wants to go with me on Monday to finish the job he helped to start. How to explain or even to express how I feel towards him is impossible. All I can do is show him how much I love him and keep showing him the things that I can.

My work completes me unlike anything I have ever felt before; it starts with an idea, then to a sketch of that idea, then to drawings and construction documents of that idea. Then it goes one step farther and the idea, sketch, construction documents become a reality. To be able to share that with others gives me more pleasure than one can believe. To make an idea a reality for others to see. If I could pass on one thing to my son it would be that, take your ideas and make them a reality for the whole world or even just one person to see. I would pass this along to all of you, life is short, and life is not fair, find something that makes you happy, if it is only the simplest of things grab a hold of it and make it a reality.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

the story goes on…..

It is not that I don’t want to go into details about the actual brutality of the things I went through as a child; I know that you are smart enough and old enough to understand the complexities of those events. It actually hurts me more to recall them than it would to actually explain them.

In 1981 my parents finally divorced and we moved again as usual, but to say that the abuse both physical and emotional continued would be to tell the truth. If was always there always with a different man or boyfriend and trust me there were many in those years after the divorce, hell there were many before the divorce. My mother became a drunk and a drug addict in this time and well I have a feeling she was before even when she was married to my dad. Once again I went through beatings, broken arms, legs and collar bones; I went through emotional turmoil due to the fact that I was never taken care of except by my brother. I sometimes feel that if it weren’t for David I would have ended up in a worse position than I am in now. God Dylan if you only knew how many men she went through and the things she did, like leaving me and David alone while she went states away just for a man, leaving two young children alone to fend for themselves with no adult supervision.

I was fourteen when I finally left home, I could no longer live that kind of life, you see I was in fear for my life and in reality I was in fear for the next person who tried or actually succeeded in hurting me. I had to go don’t you see, if I didn’t I was going to either end up dead or in jail for killing the next person who hurt me, I just couldn’t take it anymore, fourteen is only one year away from where you are at right now. I had to lie to people to get a job, I know in my mind that they knew I was younger than I really was but somehow someway they gave me the job and I supported myself, I lived in an apartment, I rode my bike to work or was picked up by one of the guys. I was doing what most adults in this world cannot do for themselves right now at fourteen. No one understands that, they think I am telling a lie or just taking years off that I was actually older than that. This is the truth Dylan the plain simple truth. I moved a lot, took off and went to different states for no reason at all other than the sudden urge to leave, I could tell you it was random but I could feel it the fear creeping up on me so I had to go. Am I over that now? I can tell you that yes I am, I do not even want to move to another house anymore. Do I still get that feeling, yes I do but I know what it is now as to before I didn’t know what it was. The next time I saw my mother she was moving to New Mexico, so somehow she talked me into to going with her reenrolling in school and I got to the 12^th grade but I had to go again, this is the time that I moved to Kentucky, I was done, I was no longer in constant fear because I was as big then as I am now, 6’-2” tall and well if I didn’t weight that much I had learned a lot about protecting myself from Uncle Jack Fortenberry. But you have to understand that even then I still lived with the constant emotional abuse from my own mother, constant verbal harassment and always reminding me and taking me back into the past every time she got drunk or high. So like I said I left again and came to Kentucky. I was here and here was where I was going to stay.

Now I can tell you about my first marriage but it is a moot point the only thing you need to know is that you have a half brother. Jesus I have left out the whole St. Louis time where I met your brother Daniels mother. But that is really not what this story is about.

I will tell you some of the things that happened with your mother, I know you don’t really want to hear them but I am going to tell them anyways. I have done this several times. Fuck it I am not going into it, it doesn’t matter I don’t exist to her anymore by my own wishes.

The things I have told you the fears, and personality traits I learned over a life time of abuse and learning how to make myself as small as I can I this world so as to not be noticed have changed, I no longer want to run, I no longer want to hide who I am  or the things that has happened to me, I think that your mother has never understood any of these things I have ever told her, I don’t think she understands why I was the man I was.  I know a lot of people have had very rough lives, some worst than mine, but I am not going to be that person anymore, and I think that the things that happened between your mother are not totally true, I have told my part on that but like I have said I don’t think she is telling me the whole truth on a lot of things. She will tell you that she is and you can believe her if you want, I will not believe her until she comes clean, I will never go to a joint session with her and you, not because of you but because of the feelings I now harbor for her at this time in my life.

I will still tell things as they come to me.

the beginning of a story that needs to be told…..

Although I have started this story perhaps thousands of times I have never actually finished it, it is a story about me, about how I became the person that I am today. It is about fear, anger, loss, regrets, choices made and choices not made. I don’t expect you to fully understand any of this at all but perhaps it will give you more of an understanding of how I actually ended up sitting here today trying to justify my own life.

I am going to do my best to explain my childhood to you in terms that will not frighten you or make you think I have lost my mind entirely, understand that parts of it will sound much like a real story, and other parts will be much like a horror story. I really have to explain that I actually don’t remember all that much of my actual childhood just fragments, bits and pieces if you will. It will probably not follow any kind of timeline and will wander around as much as my own mind does, so please bear with me.

This is what I remember of my childhood. I remember fear and hate and anger, I don’t remember things like having any fun, I do remember one time we were moving from one base to another and we were driving across country and I remember we had stopped at a rest stop and dad fixed fired squash, zucchini and onions for the very first time on a Coleman stove. I remember one Christmas in Puerto Rico that was the one and only good Christmas we had ever had with my dad. I do remember snorkeling in Coba Rojo Bay. To be honest those are really the only good times I do remember having with my dad. I want to tell you all of the bad things that I remember about him but I am not sure that is a good idea, those things I remember are scary even for me to think about. One I know for sure is this I didn’t know love from my father, I don’t really know that he actually ever told me that at all. I have always had to wonder whether he loved me as his son or not. The one thing I promised myself when I was younger laying in the dark trying to hold myself together after I got my ass beat, or laying in the hospital with broken bones or burns across my body was that I would tell my children if I had any that I loved them, they would always hear those words from me, hope that clears up why I am always telling you that and I will never stop telling you that I love you, son. This man did unspeakable things to me and my brothers and my mother, he would beat us, play psychological games on us, and he would force us to labor physically until we were spent with exhaustion. I was so small and he was so big what could I do, if anyone ever found out it would only get worse, who was I to tell. No one would listen, just as it seems no one is listening to me now. I can remember actually dreading him coming home at night because you never knew what was going to happen, to live your entire childhood in fear that whatever you did was never going to be good enough, you could never get your chores done fast enough, you could never get the right amount of coffee in the cup, knowing this would get you backhanded across the room or punched or kicked. How was I to know that I ever did anything right? He played head games with us I know you know about the one where he would go for days and not do anything to us and then when you did the least little thing wrong he would explode and collapse your entire world around you. I remember I was running through the house one day and slipped and went crashing through the sliding glass door and cut myself really bad, he beat my ass for breaking the glass took me to the base hospital and they stitched me up then when we got home he beat my ass again for taking time away from his day. I can remember my brothers taking up for me and taking the beatings that were meant for me. I can remember having to watch as they were beaten for their punishment, they also had their turn watching me, but I was so small and what was I supposed to do? You know I never told anyone about what happened to me as a child until I met your mother and really I only scratched the surface with her, she doesn’t know it all, there are some things I will never talk about with anyone, I actually tried with your mother but by then it was too late she didn’t really seem to care anymore. It is ok that she doesn’t care about me anymore, but that is for later on in the story not right now. As I got older the more severe the beating could be because I could handle more than when I was younger, but again what was I supposed to do. We left him, we left him a lot but we always went back, I am not sure why we always went back only your grandmother can answer that and now we will never know. I always wanted the sitcom TV family; mom, dad, and the brothers where ya things went wrong but no one got hurt and everyone loved each other and knew it. I always wanted a family, and I got one for awhile and I still do have a family it is you now. But understand that the things I have done in my life have one common denominator, fear. I ran away because of fear, I got angry because of fear. I left you and your mom because of fear, all because I couldn’t escape my own mind, the thoughts of my world coming crashing down all around me, I was afraid it would happen so I made it happen before it could happen to me, I don’t know if you understand that or not, but because of all the things that happened to me as a child grew up with me in to an adult and they grew bigger with me. I am going to stop for now because I am not feeling very well; I love you with my life son.

Dan Kline

Never more real than right now…..

Tree of Life

Damn it what is wrong with me, I really don’t give a shit about white, grey or black. Walking a thin line, ha, I am only fooling myself, yes it sounds great on paper right. I always thought I had some control over whether I lived or died, like it was mine to control. I have no fucking control over my own damn life, there are too many variables for me to be able to know when I will die and by what means. Fuck I keep thinking about it, trying to put a brave front on it for all the world to see, but it is simple, I have no control over my own life or death, the first responders told me that we all should have died in this accident and from what I just saw as we rode by the scene he may have been right, so why all those many times of timid botched suicide attempts. I will tell you why I was too afraid to die, more afraid of that than living with who I am. I have mental problems I don’t know that they are all not flat out lies in their own right, the things done to me were real but what about me, self doubt has set in very strongly and it took this incident to make me look at things in a different way or light, my father, my mother, my brothers, my wife and my children all of them lost to me or scattered to the four corners of the world, my father and mother dead, I never got to say goodbye to either one of them, my eldest brother far across the ocean, I never even got to know him, my second eldest brother, we hardly talk at all and rarely see each other, yet he lives in Florida. My wife, I can never get her back, too much pain and too many I am sorry for her to ever return to me though I love her with all my fucked up little heart. My children Daniel, William and Dylan. Well Daniel lives in Louisiana and we don’t see each other as often or ever since he left, and talk even less. William lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and I haven’t seen him since he was a toddler and yet I think I have his correct phone number but I am afraid that he will reject me if I even try to call. Dylan is my light and life, he loves me no matter how fucked up I am and I feel I don’t deserve that love, but I see him as much as I can. So how do I change the fear into courage, I want to tell every one of these people how much I love them, that I want to get to know them, that I miss them. It is a simple idea I call or visit them, but for the fear I would. This is what has happened to me from one moment of time one clear vision that I don’t control my life, it is controlled by another and when it is time for me to leave this earth that other will do what needs to be done. Just wish I could put all that fear in a bottle and bury it in the earth and never have it again. Give me the strength to fix all the wrongs done by me in my past and never allow me to do the same things again in my life time…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Looking at myself…..

Looking over my body…..

I stand looking over my own body, I feel no fear I know no remorse, finally a sense of peace. It is not as bad as I thought, I am relieved I haven’t made much of a mess, there was not a whole lot of blood, I figured there would be more, I guess not. There are others here some I know others in uniform I don’t, they don’t matter now, none of them matter anymore. I am free now, free from all the things that held me in this life. I know no more pain, fear and anger. I feel peace, I know peace, I am at peace. No more tears for me, I don’t deserve them…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Over the edge…..

falling over the edge…..

I sit on the edge of a precipice tottering, swaying trying to keep my balance,

My nerves raw, my eyes wet with worry, fear, sadness and rage,

It seems to be the end of a point in my life, to short, full of danger, lifelessness, and loneliness,

I always seem to be wrong, to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing,

I stand on the edge, waiting for the wind to sweep me away, to feel the weightlessness of zero gravity, the act of falling, the feeling of no fear, I know what I am doing, I know where I am going and I know what I am leaving behind.

I feel only the weight of things left undone, words left unsaid, deeds undone, no more does it matter you see I am falling and will soon have no more worries in this world…..

With much Love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Do you understand who and what I have become…..

To say it was a very emotional weekend is an understatement my son Dylan had told me that he wanted to live with me and has been saying it for quite awhile, he has told me some things that his mother wasn’t doing and really if you are me and you knew what I did you would be ashamed of her, as I am. Plainly he said that she ignores him and has more interest in face book and her new friend Pete, who by the by is not a very bad fellow. I still hate him but there is nothing I can do about it. So Dylan came over on Saturday and we talked about things that were going on over at the house and I asked him if he really wanted to live here with me and he said yes. So I had him tell his mother and to be sure she was ok with it she said that it was his choice, now he was upset he didn’t really want to hurt his mother’s feelings but he was ok at that point. Later he called his grandmother and asked her to get his school clothes ready for a week and that we would be over in a bit to get them, now this is where he started to get upset he couldn’t even talk to her at first he was Oing like a fish out of water and afterwards he got progressively more upset and I told him at that point that if he wanted to stay with his mom and Grandmother that I wouldn’t be upset and my feelings were not going to get hurt, I lied. Finally as we were talking I told him that this wasn’t an easy decision and he needed to make up his mind or I would make the decision for him. He couldn’t do it he said he wanted to live here with me and with her and I explained that, that wasn’t going to be able to happen it would be very hard emotionally on all of us so it was either here or there, he was pretty upset by this point so I just told him to get his things and I would take him back to his mothers, by the time we got there he was so upset that he was hyperventilating so all I could do is hold him and try my best to calm him down, it worked somewhat and he kept telling me that this is wrong that if it wasn’t wrong I wouldn’t be so upset, I looked him in the eye and told him that I was fine and this is what was right. I told him to get his things and go in the house and lay down and try to relax. And he did.

I was wrong in my decision and was proven right when Dylan called to see if I was ok, now I am not ok with any of this but I told him I was, now was I proven right that my decision was wrong in taking him back to his mothers, well she called him and he told her that she needed to be a better mother and pay more attention to him and not to her douche bag boyfriend, his words to me not mine. All she said was I love you let me talk to nanny, could she not have taken a bit more time to make sure that he was ok and what the hell was so important that she had to tell nanny that she couldn’t give him some more of her time. I can only guess that it had to do with me and making sure that I didn’t come back over or something to that effect. I know that it will be told that I made him want to stay and I forced him to stay, you see Gerri is not the person she was before and I am damn sure that I have something to do with that but it is not Dylan’s fault if she hates me that bad then hate me but treat our son right or he will be coming here to live with me.

I am changing again and not for the fucking better I have been hurt for the last fucking time and I am ready to tear down the fucking house of shame that bitch built, I want to take the guy that she is seeing and make him see what the fuck a world of hurt really is, but I have to ask is it right to take my anger out on him all he is out for is the girl nothing else. But see he didn’t plan on me, to say that I am at most dangerous point is to tell the fucking truth and just one little thing a small tiny thing will bring the righteous anger from within me and I will tear down the entire fucking world to make my point, fuck all of them. I am anger incarnate, rage in its truest fucking form, beware nothing for there will be nothing you can do. I am not afraid of any living man except myself; I will wade through all of my many enemies to make my presence felt in its truest form, to deny me my purpose is to deny one’s own life. Behold me for I am ANGER and I will be known to all. Sitting waiting, wanting, for that one small thing to allow me to snap and destroy all in my path, I will bring the carriage of justice with me for all to know who I am.

Dan Kline

Here I am in real life, LOST…..

Things have and are moving on for me, I am still here, I am still alive (I think), my heart is beating, my mind is working and I still have feelings (some). I have changed, I wish that I could really show all of you exactly how and what I have changed because explaining it still confuses me, yes I still get depressed, angry and even still have rages, but it is different it now is about things that I cannot really control, like I actually had control before, no it is about issues and outside influences that I seem to be having emotions about. Everyday things like traffic, not having or being able to find a job. And yes the fact that it seems my wife has moved on to another man, but am I not supposed to be upset about all of these things? Don’t I have the right to be mad? I think that I do.

Some of you wonder if I still talk to myself if I have others in my head, well yes I don’t think they will ever go away, they are me and I am them. Do I think about killing myself, yes? But I liken it to a drug addiction, a drug addict thinks about drugs and makes a choice everyday about whether he will take them or not, well the same goes for me and killing myself, I think about it every day and I make the choice to live no matter what this life is throwing at me right now. Life is really too big for me right now, and I have to learn to live with it, I will not allow myself another choice. I hang on, I am a fighter because the other choice is death, and that is not a choice or an answer to my problems.

I quit writing because it was not because I didn’t have anything to say but because I needed the time to find out a little more about how I was changed, and what had changed. I am still struggling just like the rest of you, but it is not an uphill climb anymore; I am no longer a lab rat for the docs to experiment on, and still no head meds and I think that is part of the difference. I feel like I am in control, well that is also false none of us are really in control of ourselves I base that off the decisions I make and the reactions to the events in my life. Control it is funny to think that I may be in control of my life I mean really if I was I would still be with my wife and son, I would be working in a real job, driving my own car, paying my own way and thinking of how I want to spend the rest of my life not wondering does she still love me, or will I ever find love again, how will I eat next week, or how will I get to my next doctor’s appointment, or will Richard kick me out if and when he gets back together with Mary Susan?

Loneliness, that is the real problem for me, I am lonely…..

Edge to me…..

Is it over, is it really over,

Have you found the man you have always been looking for?

How can you find the man you have been looking for when I have been here the whole time?

I know who you are, I know what you want, and I know what pleases you,

Oh internet man, should I wonder who you are, no see you are the get back, the sting and the hurt caused,

You won’t call, you won’t text me, you won’t tell me the things that you really want to tell me,

Is it really over, is it really over,

Me I have changed, and that is known, I am different and that is known,

I am also the same, will I fight for what I believe is rightfully mine, yes

Will I fight to keep the one thing that holds me together, yes

I want it made fully clear, I am not giving up, not now, not ever no matter what is told to me you see forever will I carry the torch of love and life that is still mine

Tell me all you want that it is over, I have no belief in that, I know what you hold in your heart is anger and resentment, but this too can be forgiven, I can be forgiven,

Keep telling me I am wrong, keep telling me that forever, I will always be there in your mind I created the love in you, I gave you the courage that you have so greatly displayed over the last several years, I gave you the ability to be the best person you can be,

Remember when we met, you were scared and I was there to tell you to be strong, just for me being there you stood up for what you believed in and defended yourself like you hadn’t before, I did that, not anyone else, me your husband.

Will I admit to making mistakes, well I already have. Will you admit to making mistakes, no you won’t? So dig the knife deeper, make the hurt worse, keep plunging the pain into me over and over again till it runs out of you like the blood from my veins, I will still be right there, standing strong waiting for you to finish, let it out, let it all come out,

You see I still believe in me and you, I still believe in our love and I still believe that our marriage can be saved and shared for the rest of our lives; can anyone else really say what I have said? No they can’t they can make vague promises, promises of things that have already been given to you, things that even to this day I still give you, because you have to remember that without me you would not be the brave commanding person you are right now.

Let your internet man tell you things that you want to hear, but that is what it is things that he knows you want to hear. I won’t tell you things you want to hear, I will and have lived them, edge to me.

To love a child…..

To live and love a child is the most wonderful feeling in the world, to know that a person in your life loves you without any strings; an unconditional love is what I am talking about. When their smile makes you feel like the most important person in the world. When you here Daddy or dad you just light up inside like the sun is in the center of your chest and is bursting to get out, that is real love, real life. I moss that I haven’t seen my son in over two weeks, I have talked to him on the phone but it is not the same as wrapping your arms around him and telling him I love you, and I do with all my being, with every fiber of my body. Someone took that away from me, of no fault of their own it was my doing, but to live without that love is a lonely existence, I feel alone all by myself. I want to hold him to tell him all the things that a boy needs to hear from his father, but it isn’t the same as having him with you every day of your life like I have for the last twelve years…..

Dan Kline