Here it is…..

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

I do have but just me…..

I cannot see, I cannot think. I have allowed my world to collapse upon me, my thoughts no longer free to flow from within me. I surround myself with doubts and shame, for I cannot change the world around me. I have allowed the world to consume me yet once again, let it all in to stop me from being me. I cannot change who I am, yet I find I can no longer accept who I am, not just in this moment but every single second of everyday. It swirls with in me, it clouds my thoughts and moves me in ways I dare not define. For how I can I define exactly what it is that is happening to me? How to explain that I am becoming functioning again, stopping myself from be productive to sheltering myself from the world again. I cannot change who I am, yet still cannot accept who it is I have become. Day after day I long for things, people and places that no longer can be who I am. I cannot express the feelings that I have, not even in writing. Where do I go, what do I do? Who can I tell? I have no one who will listen, you see it seems to me that no matter who you call friend, who you call lover, who you call father, mother and brother, they will not listen. I have only this screen in front of me, this blank page to write upon. Is this what I have become? A string of failures, a string of regrets? Do I keep trying or do I once again with draw and mourn the loss of the things that I want to be? I want to run, I want to hide, I want to die, no don’t fear I don’t want to die in the physical sense but only in the emotional sense. I no longer feel fear, I no longer feel happiness, sadness, love, hate, you see I have come to live in a state of apathy. No I don’t think that is the right word, I have to live in a state of not being. I don’t want to care, I don’t want love, friends, coworkers, jobs, money. I don’t want a life, you see to have a life is so hard to live that life. Everyone wants something from me and I have tried to give, I have tried so hard to give and I get nothing in return. They all want more and more and more. And I have naught to give of me self anymore, I canna do it. How much more do ye expect of me, how can I give ye more than I have, only to expect that ye’ll want more of me than I ave, what is it that ye expect o me? Can ye tell me that much? I ave no strength left, I ave no heart for ye to take more than I already ave. oh Gods above tell this pitiful wretch what I tis that ye expect and man to do, when he has nothing left but the blood in his veins, the thoughts in me head and the tears on me face. I would ask fer courage but tis the one thing I have left, the courage to wake each morn, the courage to go forth into the day and try as I might to accomplish what it is that these people, this world wants so much of me for. I am so lost, the one person in this world I have wanted, I have loved, she is as good as lost to me. My son, oh my son, the beat of me heart, the shine in me eyes. I have also failed thee, by what rights do I deserve thee. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and no more words.

Sometimes there is blood…..

Self Harm and Suicide

Life is blood, sometimes it is shed in anger, others is sadness, others in shame, often times blood is shed in love, more often in love through disgrace, lies and dishonesty. Take my blood and know that I love you and always will. You have lost what others in this world desire, you lied, you held back from me things that would have driven another into a rage unable to return from. To you I can no longer stand to be around you, for the things you have done I cannot forgive you. Have no worries I am not angry, but disappointed in you for even entering my life. I cannot return from this, my sacrifice is blood to the Gods to make me back into the shadow I once was. To the ones I love, please forgive me.

This again is a work of fiction…..

Sometimes there is blood…..

Never ending…..

I love you, not just parts of you but all of you. I need you like the ground needs rain. I don’t want pieces of time I want all of the time. I want to fall asleep in your arms, to wake with you snuggled in my embrace. I want to wake in the middle of the night to hear you breathe. I want to kiss your lips, inhale the heady scent of you, to run my fingers across the outlines of your face, to trace small circles upon your back as we lay together in companionable silence just looking into each other’s eyes. i want to see the crinkle in your nose as you smile.

You take away my fears, my pain all of the things that scare me and replace them with hope, love and joy. I can only tell you these things that are the truth and hope that someday you will realize that I can never stop loving you. I have let you once again slip through my fingers, indecision begets regrets. Can you not feel me? Can you not hear the loss in my words? Can you not be with me? Always and forever you are my one and only, never to be mine completely. Something, someone always stands between us and it is slowly killing me. You spoke the words I have waited to hear for oh so very long, yet you still cannot be with me.

I don’t regret my love for you, I don’t regret any of the things I have said and done. There are things that even I cannot compete with. Remember I am but a man, scared, hurt, lonely and lost. With your touch, the very look from your beautiful eyes takes all that away. You mean so much to me; you have taken all those things away and made me a stronger man than I was. I would do the same if only you would let me, I would be your strength, and I would be your courage. But for one chance would I make you happy, but for reasons I cannot seem to understand you still will not be mine.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Some old things, some new things and a wish for all of you…..

I do know that among the other things I am dealing with today that this is a bit stupid, I was cleaning out the bag I use to carry my things in when we go out to plow snow I came across a letter that I wrote to Gerri while in the hospital, it was written with a green marker of all things, you take what you can while in there and do the best that you can, now why am I putting it out here well because, well I don’t really know. I do understand that it makes no difference in the way she feels but I am going to do it anyway.

Funny I am writing this with a green marker in the hospital, I will put this on my blog later. When I called you earlier and asked if you loved me you said I will always love you, not I love you; you put it in the past tense. So I wanted to tell you where I failed to keep our love alive to survive. I failed you by not saying it; I failed you by not showing it. I had stopped doing all those little things that made you know I loved you. I stopped kissing you; these are just some of the ways I failed in our love. I am not asking that you take me back, and if you feel that what we had cannot be saved then divorce me. But I also remembered some of the things I do love about you, your smile. I mean when you really smile and your eyes light up. The way your hair only goes grey in the middle of the part in your hair. The sound of you laughing, watching you put on your make up, the smell of the face powder you are forever out of, the turban look when you step out of the bath body still wet and hair wrapped in a towel to dry. The way the bath towel plays peek-a-boo with your butt, lol. This is mine to say about you, I am asking nothing in return from this, I just thought you should know where I failed you.

This was at the last stopping point in my journey with the hospital system. I have not been back since and to me that is a great accomplishment in and of itself. I am no longer that person anymore, now I am not saying that I will never need the hospital again, hell sometimes it is safer in there than out here, in there they all understand and are all in the business of helping me and focusing on me to see me make it out here in the real world. I often wonder if I shouldn’t just check myself in and never leave again, but that means I have failed myself and I am not there at this point in my life.

A part of me left today it was an important part of me and yes I am having a hard time with it, but I lived without that part for a long time, can that part of me live without me? Well it is a part of me and even if it has its own mind it will eventually come back to us, I should say us because we are a whole, separate but the same. It took me well over two hours and a call to my therapist to get my system under control all of them were screaming and running around literally in my head looking for the little boy with the big blue eyes, Serena, Khayleth and even Anger were in turmoil, they don’t understand why he left or is hiding, none of us even had a clue as to why he went an hid, we did check pretty far into the recesses of my mind behind a lot of doors but as we got further in the fear came so we went back to the places we felt safe again. We talked and talked again, boy if I didn’t know me this would sound like an insane man but I am not insane just fractured, with the help of Brenda or therapist we all calmed down and realized that the little boy will eventually return, in the mean time we needed to be calm and understanding of each other, I think when he sees that we are calm and miss him he will return. I think his first time allowing himself to be heard scared him. It scared me too, but if we are all not heard in some way, if we don’t tell the things that make us afraid then we internalize them and that causes all the things that made us the way we are right now. We are all that small frightened little boy looking for someone to hold us, to tell us that we are loved, to have someone tell us we will be alright, that the monsters in our life will not harm us. This is my wish to all of you, that you have someone to do all those things that make you feel safe and loved, this is what I wish for you.

With much love and gratitude,

Daniel Kline