Hi…..

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7^th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

Here it is…..

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Hello, it’s me…..

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Still the Anger…..

I do believe that I heard you right this morning when you wondered out loud why God had put me in your life, to what purpose? Was it to be mean and hateful? Was it to hurt with my words? No, lets think of it in a different way, perhaps God put you into my life for a reason. I can name many reasons but this one comes to the fore front of my mind. God put you in my life to teach me patience, tolerance and to be kind again. You have tested me beyond the endurance of my own will and yet you are still there. God did not put me into your life but he put you into mine to show me temperance of will, to look at what my anger was doing to me and to others. I understand what anger is and its consequences, but I am seeing that things and people that are around me are also hurt by my temper and anger. No I don’t think there is one soul on this earth that can understand what I have been through or what I live with daily. But I fear it still, the anger that is, consumes me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, nor am asking for anyone to forget. I am just hoping to find a place in the middle.

Sometimes there is blood…..

Self Harm and Suicide

Life is blood, sometimes it is shed in anger, others is sadness, others in shame, often times blood is shed in love, more often in love through disgrace, lies and dishonesty. Take my blood and know that I love you and always will. You have lost what others in this world desire, you lied, you held back from me things that would have driven another into a rage unable to return from. To you I can no longer stand to be around you, for the things you have done I cannot forgive you. Have no worries I am not angry, but disappointed in you for even entering my life. I cannot return from this, my sacrifice is blood to the Gods to make me back into the shadow I once was. To the ones I love, please forgive me.

This again is a work of fiction…..

Sometimes there is blood…..

Is this memory?

My mind races, my heart hammers in my chest, sweat glistens upon my brow,

Are these thoughts and emotions real or imaginary?

I see tan colored buildings; sand is everywhere, is it real or is it make believe?

I hear the shouts of commands, the cries of despair, the screams of the wounded on both sides, the roar of the 50 gunner, the pop, pop of an AK-47, the whoosh and thud of an RPG, the sounds of battle that can hardly be described by my clumsy attempts with words.

The bag on the side of the road, the car that is parked at an odd angle just sitting there, will it trip, will it explode, I just don’t know. That person rushing towards me, will he or she stop, will they just run up and, well I don’t think I can finish that if you don’t mind.

This is the life that we live; it is not safe, it is not sound. Am I crazy? NO.

We survived, that’s what we did, and we came home somehow,

Home is not the same, I see fear, horror and pain on every face, on every street corner.

I also see hope, hope in my child’s eyes, in my lovers eyes, in the eyes of a stranger who shakes my hand with eyes full of respect, gratitude and acceptance.

To quote from a poem by Colonel Daniel K. Cadusky, AUS Retired, I was a soldier, and we will never forget, and we are alive.

Staff Sargent William Kline US Army 1998-2012 Honorably Discharged

But a Fool…..

Am I a fool, I ask again, am I a fool,

I must be for you see I have lain my heart upon the headsman’s block,

I have bared my very deepest hearts desire to you,

Did you listen to me, those words I spoke to you, did you listen to my words of love and joy, I know you listened, but I know also that you did not hear those words,

Did you read the words I wrote, did they find a hold someplace within your heart and soul,

I fear that I am but a fool for telling you these things, a fool for sharing with you all my wants, desires, joys and fears,

Over and over I tell myself but to leave you be, to let you go on your way,

For you must be happy, if not then at least content, If none of these, then what?

I am but a fool you see, for I thought that perhaps you might have wanted me, needed me, loved me in some small way.

I have given my life to thee, my word, my heart and soul. And thus you have spurned me, left me to lay in a misery of mine own making.

Blessed be the one you love, for he does not know what he has.

Any Suggestions…..

Chaos Symbol

Somehow it seems as though I cannot escape the inevitability that I am not like everyone else, I am different, I am not your average person, and I am different. I no longer think the same as I used to, I no longer react to situations that in the past I have been able to handle. The difference is just this, my mind; my mental issues have changed me to the point that I am not sure how to handle everyday situations. I am trying to return to work, and actually have but it is completely different, and to be sure it is not just me. Even the company that I worked with for 13 years has changed, only two people are the same, the owner and one other that I worked with side by side for many years. This is the place I have always called home but the feelings, the stress; the confusion of what we are doing now is great. It has changed into a design build firm and is no longer just a design firm. You see the problem is this, while I am a project manager for the design side I am also a construction manager, with jobs that need to be done but I have to say that I am actually doing the construction, not managing the projects. This is not new to me I have been doing this for many years, so you ask what is the problem? It is this, it is chaos total and undeniable chaos, I have walked into several projects that have been started by others and well they are not right and it has fallen on my shoulders to get them correct, shoddy construction has all but destroyed one woman’s house, poor time management has pushed another so far out that we are losing money on it. And still yet we have people that are not following the scope of work laid out before them and are apparently doing whatever they want, I feel as if the whole thing is about to explode and all I want to do is help get things back on an even keel, I know I can do this if I can just sit and figure it out. We job hop, by that I mean that instead of concentrating on the scope of work for one project we are jumping from project to project trying to get things done, concentration is lost, moral is lost and the general feeling of not accomplishing a damn thing prevails upon us all. I have loved this company and the man who owns it and feel as if I am becoming a detriment and not a help. I want to concentrate on one thing and get it done but the nature of the beast is thus, we have micro deadlines, certain milestones have to be met in order to get paid. Yes this is unusual, no it is not the way I would normally do things but it has to be this way in order for the company to move forward and prosper. If I said that as a construction manager it is my responsibility to move these things along I would be correct. If I also said that although I can do the construction work it is better to get dedicated sub-contractors to do the actual work, well it isn’t going to happen. It seems that my beloved company has, well developed a certain reputation for not paying the subs, but if I told you that it was government work and that we were working with very small sub-contractors it would be the truth. We get paid a certain way, and the subs get paid as we get paid and in that…… you know what let me get to the heart of the problem, I have been trying to get this older woman’s house fixed, it is a short list but because of the original framing contractor doing shoddy work it has caused many more problems with the house.

I wish that I could but fix what I see,

I wish that I could just take the stress and confusion and leave it out where it needs to be,

I wish that I could be what it is exactly what they need,

I know in my heart that I can do this; I know in my mind that if I continue the way I am that a mental breakdown is inevitable. I know I can do this, I know I can stop the chaos. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to get the communication flowing from one person to another.

I know that this is not rocket science, it is easy. You see the problem you come up with a game plan and you implement the game plan, if we can get this mind set than I think that we can move forward with much better productivity.

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS I JUST NEED TO GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT LOOK AT THE PROBLEMS ONE AT A TIME AND GET THE COMMUNICATION FLOWING, THE KEY IS COMMUNICATION AND COOPERATION.

Do I really see…..

It seems that my mind, so preoccupied all the time doesn’t see or understand what my eyes and heart are telling. It seems I only listen with one ear, never to the words that are said nor the meaning behind them. I hear, I see, but I don’t think, my mind as always is on one thing. But never the same thing twice. This does not make sense, this I understand, but how do I control my thoughts, how do I focus upon the things I see and hear, just one thing at a time, I must listen, look and hear to fully understand. I grow confused at this, I get agitated at this. It seems that the whole world is telling me something but I cannot seem to grasp what it is the universe is telling me. Am I to go forward in ignorance, not comprehending? I don’t know for I cannot get my mind to slow enough to listen as I once was able to. I do not seem to be able to express with words how it is, and what it is like for me. I don’t know what to do, plain and simple.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Would you understand?????

How is it that a man can only be one man and yet be many men at one time? How is it that a man can walk fully in the sunlight yet only live in the shadows? Am I this man of many men? Am I able to walk fully in the sunshine yet only live in the shadows?

I do, I do all of these things and more, I have more than one mind, I have more than one person living in my head and yet I am fully aware of all things that go on around me, inside of me and in the shadows that surround me. I am passionate, I am strong, and I am intelligent. But I am also weak, uncontrolled and misguided.

I have no one master, meaning I am not the master of myself, in this regards I am a Ronin a man with no master, destined to be alone, to be directionless, to be unguided for the rest of my life. Does this make me sad? No because it is a future, a decision I have made for myself.

I cannot be anything to anyone because I cannot be anything for my own self. If I have confused you then all you have to do is look in my eyes, you will see the truth there, you will also see the absence of life, love and happiness. You will see confusion, anger, fear and hatred. I will never be one to look upon another and see what others do, I only see what you want, what you need, what I can do for you. Make no mistake, for I will never have a master, nor be my own master.

You see emotions control men, not the other way around. It is emotions that get in the way of everything and nothing. In the end you only have yourself, you can never rely on others to do for you, and you must do for yourself.