Rambling Games…..


You know you have to wonder just how much the mind can take, I mean really the torture that we or should I say I have put my mind thru is just simply staggering it really is. The thoughts, the constant infighting in my own damned mind even. Once again I am writing from the cuff, just seeing where my thoughts go, so hold on and enjoy the ride. I get it I really do but if the thought process I have been creating is by any means real or even suggested its real then I am totally screwed, so here it is.

 

 

I wonder about the damage that has been caused to my body, mind and nervous system from prolonged Xanax use. I had thought that I could take the medication and not overuse it or underuse it, I was so fucking wrong, so very wrong that I think, no I know that I have hurt myself worse from not taking it. I went to my Doctor and I told him that I was addicted to Xanax and that I wanted to get off it and well he understands. But does he really understand that 24 hours after taking my last dose in the bottle that I start going through withdrawals? Does he understand that Xanax however useful it is, is addictive? I am not sure that he does, because if he did he would……. I mean fuck me I am not sure what I mean, I can’t fucking make sense of anything right now because I feel like shit. I am sweating, I am cold, I don’t sleep right, I don’t eat right. Fuck I just can’t seem to do anything right now that is right. They said it was not habit forming, but what about habit forming for the mind? That small place in my head that tells me that this is the only way to get my mind to shut down. There it is, opioids are habit forming especially when you have been on the short-term drug for so many years that I cant remember when I started taking it. It isn’t too bad for going cold turkey again and again and again. That is where I am at right now. I have failed myself because I know I cannot take the damned shit, I have failed in my life, my work, my family and all of the other things I have failed at in my life. But let me explain why I was taking it, for anxiety, for sleep, to keep me calm. But in the end the damned drug just made me not care while I was on it, nothing really mattered or it could be put off for another time. I don’t pay my bills, I don’t eat, I do sleep as a matter of fact it is easier to just suck down 3 or 4 Xanax and sleep my life away instead of facing the reality I have created for myself. So know what? Well I know I can not take it anymore. So do I get that refill or do I just continue on with the cold turkey bullshit? It has been over a week since my last dose. I am now on Buspar to help with the anxiety but you know what? It barely works….

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan

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