In regards to a question…..

Marieolivia (a reader of one of my posts Yes I do this….)

3 daysletsgetstartedbaby.wordpress.com

To me this sounds like not taking responsibility for your own life. So if no one else cares about you (or so you say) why don’t YOU care? Why don’t YOU give a shit about yourself? You also write that nothing changes, and nothing gets better, isn’t this a perfect example that cutting doesn’t help you either. It gives relief, and we need relief. We crave it desperately, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that cutting takes your problems away.

You asked your reader (in this instance me) where this leaves you. This leaves you with one hell of a job to get out of the funk. But you’re the only one that can do it. And it will never change before you decide that it will. I believe that you can change your life.

 

Thank you first of all for being so forthright and bluntly honest, I truly do appreciate this.

The questions you’re asking me about my post are not very easy to answer but then they just might be simpler than I think. No, I don’t take responsibility for my own life not anymore, reasons are not easy for me to explain but in the end, the truth is I just don’t. I have fucked it up beyond all recognition. No, I don’t give 2 shits about myself, but have you heard the saying that those who can’t do, teach? Guess you could say the same about myself, if I truly didn’t give 2 shits about myself shouldn’t I have done something about by now instead of bitch and complain? I tried; I tried really hard but just couldn’t do it. Change, now change is a scary subject for me. The issue is I have tried to change only to end up right back where I started. You know what this is the same old drivel and dumbass shite that I have been writing about since I started this blog.

So I will take your advice MarieOlivia, where does this leave me?

Yes, I do this…..

I cut…………………

Don’t ask why because if you don’t know about it then you don’t know the release that it brings. To me, it works better than meds. Mostly my left hand right above the thumb, it has been cut on so many times it has no feelings. Why do I do it is the question many people will ask, the whys and what for. I will tell you this I get to the point where nothing else works, not pills, booze, sleep, nothing else works so I cut, and no it doesn’t hurt it does release the endorphins that settle me down. I am not even sure why I am admitting this now of all times, oh yes I do this is perhaps the most stressful point in my life. Literally, I have lost everything. No, I don’t want to kill myself but I do want this time period of my life to move on, think Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray. It seems that every day is the same nothing I do differently seems to matter. I try and try and yet to what end, I still have the stressors, I still have the same fucking thoughts, I stand in absolute silence staring out into the world and seeing nothing but shit, fuck this, I hate it. I have said at least once a day my entire adult life, no one listens to me, no gives a fuck about me and never will. So my dear reader where the fuck does that leave me? I will let you answer that for yourself.

With much gratitude,

Dan Kline

IT’S JUST A LITTLE ANGER

My thoughts betray me; no they are not thoughts of death or dying or of walking in the shadows. No, my thoughts are full of anger, but I ask myself what am I angry about? The answers immediately come to mind.

My vehicle is broken down and I can’t get it fixed.

The answer, well you are still able to get to work and the places you need, can’t you and you can work from your little room at the top of the red house?

I live in a boarding house in one small room having to share a bathroom and kitchen with others.

The answer, you have a warm place to sleep, a shower and a place to make food.

I’m not making enough money or getting enough hours at work.

The answer, you have a job, you have a better job than most. Yes, things are hard right now but they could be worse. There are people out there that make a third of what you do and have to live on that. You have a boss that is out daily meeting with people to get you work, it’s a time-consuming process and he has more to do every day owning the company than I do, plus he has a family I don’t.

I think I have finally figured out what I am angry about, and it isn’t a stupendous, spectacular issue but it is one that has plagued me my whole life, what now or even better what’s next. I go through this life looking at all the bad things, thinking all of these dark, dreadful things. But the truth is no one knows what’s next or even what now. I, you, we have no control over this life and we damned sure don’t have any control over what’s next. So I ask myself why be angry at all of those things above if I cannot control them? Because in my messed up, rigid, undisciplined mind I want to have control. But that’s not what’s going to happen; I cannot control things that are uncontrollable. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, only the truth is it happens the same way every time. Am I still angry? Yes, I am still angry, but no one is hurting me on purpose, no is trying to take something away from me. If truth be told there are people in my life that actually want to help me and I resist them with all the strength in my body and mind (in which I have considerable strength). The question, why do I do this I cannot tell you. But I need to learn to accept these things which I cannot control, I need to learn to let go and shall we say go with the flow, we all things change on a minute to minute basis. I also need to learn to be grateful and thankful for what I do have instead of being angry over what I do not.

Who the Fuck Cares…..

The air runs short in my lungs, each gasp of breathe I imagine to be of an elk or deer in its final troughs of life, short, sharp and deep as I succumb to the beer and Xanax combination that will take me into oblivion. That sweet silence of sleep where I don’t dream where I don’t love and I just don’t give a fuck. Show me a difference and I will take it, I have no one, I don’t want no one and I really just don’t care.

once again my fellows

In this world of new beginnings, New Year to turn around all the things I feel I need to fix. Not only within myself but with my loved ones, my family, I have very few people I call friends. I feel like I am failing miserably at life, at my job, within myself. I thought that this would be a great start to a new beginning this year 2017. But it has placed me once again in the same place I have been my entire life struggle, strife, fear, loss and all of that is just taking place in my head and not in the outside world. I struggle to do the right thing; it never works, so I stop trying. I want my job to truly be mine but I feel I have placed myself into an outsider’s position, not because I don’t love my work or my job and the company I work for but because it is always an up and down situation which I have dealt with not only in my work life but my personal life as well. It never seems to be easy, not that it really should in life or my work.

Honestly, I want to run away and hide from this world again, to slip into the thoughts and personalities in my mind. I feel so unprotected, so alone. But I am afraid to try to reach out because I feel as if no one listens if no one listens then I don’t matter. So what do I do? Do I run away and hide? Or do I slink off like an old dog tired of chasing the ball thrown so many times, and just find a place to lay down and rest, which is something I know nothing about? I have changed, it all has changed again. I am losing again and I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I just want to rest, but in truth, I want my family, I want to work, I want a life but to a person like me, it is very hard because of the underlying fears and doubts and questions of if I can really do it. So far I haunt dome so very well. I don’t want to lose no more of myself, I don’t want to lose what few things I have left in this life and my sanity is one of them. I told a friend of mine that if I lost any more of these things that I would take one of two choices and I have already mentioned them above. I need to know I matter, I need to know that I can contribute to my own life which I have failed so miserably at that I have pushed almost all the people in my life away from me lest I hurt them. I only have one friend and he is also my mentor. But even he will not be able to cope with the way I am feeling. I’m so alone, in the sense that I don’t know how to interact with anyone other than the people in my mind and right now they are in as much turmoil with the emotions I am feeling that all the can do is be quiet. I know I will lose everything again, I see it coming, loss of personal effects can be replaced and would help to hold on but the loss of my mind again would mean that the walls come crashing down and so do I. I have prayed for guidance, I have prayed for peace. But my dumb ass just can’t seem to let go and let God help me. So I let you know now I am not so very sure how much longer I can hold myself together.