Archive for February, 2013

Take some time to make this decision…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 25, 2013 by dankline2000

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Well I am sick, now it seems that I have had many problems as of late with my body and well all of the other things that are happening in my life, but this is as serious or more serious than even my botched suicide attempts. I have bacterial meningitis it can be life threatening to a man my age, but that is nit the part in fear, funny right. The part I fear is the chance that I will become a vegetable, I will still breathe, my heart will still pump but I as a person will not be there, no personality, no person just a body, that scares me more than anything in the world. I have and will be going for IV antibiotics for several weeks twice a week, I was told that there is a 70% chance that if I cannot keep my fever down that I will become that vegetable, and about a 20% chance that I could die, I am not contagious as I thought I was in the beginning and actually the problem is this it is in my spinal cord, I have several abscesses where the body is fighting the bacteria and have made, well pus pockets in my spinal cord, it will eventually work itself into the fluids surrounding my brain and that can be a problem. It is funny I will say this all the times I was too much of a coward to kill myself and right here and now the universe has given me the out I want, I can stop taking the antibiotics and left the fever take me and just slip either into the twilight or just plain out die, it is that simple. Could that be what I want, sure I want to die I think about it every day, but now it is a reality or could be a reality if I want, time to make the decision that I have tried to make over the years, will the world and my son live on without me and be fine, I think so.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

http://www.cdc.gov/meningitis/bacterial.html

http://www.thelancet.com/series/bacterial-meningitis

Looks like I will get to walk in the grey before long…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 22, 2013 by dankline2000

And it only gets better and better, see I have been having problems with my shoulders and neck and I have been to the doctor, well he called and asked me to come see him today and well 2 weeks ago he drew blood and my white cell count was three times the normal amount so he sent it out for future testing and the results came back, I have a spinal cord infection.

Pyogenic (bacterial) meningitis consists of inflammation of the meninges and the underlying subarachnoid CSF. If not treated, bacterial meningitis may lead to lifelong debility or death. The disease was uniformly fatal before the antimicrobial era, but with the advent of antimicrobial therapy, the overall mortality rate from bacterial meningitis has decreased. Nonetheless, it remains alarmingly high, being approximately 25%

I had this when I was a baby and for some reason unknown so far it has come back, I get to go see yet another specialist besides the bone specialist next month and I have to have epidural antibiotics starting today and oral antibiotics, while yes this is dangerous and he did tell me that it has been active for a bit, you see I hadn’t seen my Doctor for 3 months before this last first visit and they didn’t draw blood then so he doesn’t know if or how long this has been going on. Makes me very happy, I won’t know until I get several rounds of medicine if this is going to be a problem, i.e. death or will affect my motor skills or not, but I was asked if I have a living will and who has it since I don’t.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Dancing the fine line…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 21, 2013 by dankline2000

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It only lasts for a moment a spark in time, I will be what it is that I need to be, you see I walk in the shadows and in the shadows I see all. I see you and what you don’t want me to see. I look at the people around me and I know what deeds they have done. What will I see when I look at you, are you good, bad or just as I and dance a fine line between.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Walking in this life of grey…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 19, 2013 by dankline2000

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Life seen through my eyes…..

You see I am not a man that walks in either the light nor the dark, I reside in the in between, I reside in  the grayness of all things, only doing what I feel is necessary to keep the order of things, I do what is necessary to keep balance and have and will always no matter the turmoil in my life, I try to do no harm unless I have to in order to retain the balance of things, I will go into my death knowing I will still walk among the light and the shadow, only going to one side or the other to do what is needed. My anger, my wrath and my kindness are used to do just that, keep the balance; as long as that balance is maintained all will go along as it will. I know I will be called to do right or wrong as is needed. If any doubt this, then all you have to do is ask and I will explain it to the best of my knowledge. It seems that is my roll in life. Do I wish harm unto others, of course if I were not a man then I wouldn’t, but I also bring life into this world with humor and kindness and sometimes advice, though not always taken it is given with good intentions, I have always been a child of the grey and will remain a child of the grey for eternity, moving from one life to another but always in the twilight of the grey.

With much love and devotion,

Dan Kline

Not all is black and white, there are shades of grey…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Short Stories, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on February 19, 2013 by dankline2000

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I ride, I ride in the darkest of nights with no company but my own seeking to do right the wrongs perceived in my mind, I ride with bow across my back and long sword at my side and beautiful black sleek horse between my legs riding for I know not where only aware that right needs to be done, I will strike at the fear in my heart, I will ride until I face the enemy of my mind. I know that a great battle looms before me, but in what form will this battle be, what of my foe will he be evil, will he be honorable, I feel that it will be the first that I have mentioned. Steeling myself for what may come I urge my steed on faster not knowing what waits around every turn in the forest path I take. I can feel him now; I can feel the dislike, hate even that this other has for me. I am not scared I have the fullness of right on my side.

There I see him in the clearing before me sitting astride his horse, I can barely see him for he seems to shift in the wind, sometimes there other times not, what sort of magic is this, is it the magic of lies I see before me, and still I feel no fear. 100 paces I stop before my foe, and as I raise my sword in salute he starts forward at a complete run, I can smell the foulness of him on the wind as he approaches me at a break neck speed, and still I have not moved, closer he comes and closer the smell of him reaches me as if it is pushed forward in front of him as a warning, still I sit astride my mighty steed only baring my sword and holding it in my right hand and holding my reins in my left, I watch and wait when he is half the distance to me I spur my mount forward, he lunges in a mighty leap and we hit a full run in a few strides. Racing to meet my destiny whether I live or die by this encounter I know he will not leave this clearing alive. Closer and closer we race to meet each other, he is on my left so I lean across my horse and bring my blade to the right side of me and somewhat to the rear so that I may deliver a full blow to my oppent, we are within twenty yards of each other and he opens his mouth in a silent scream but I hear it all too well it is the scream of a dead man, a man that no longer controls himself but has been taken over by another so evil and vile as to change the man’s appearance as he rides towards me, rough horns curling from the front of his forehead, coarse hair growing on his face, he grows bigger with each stride, and still I feel no fear you see I have been here before I know his kind and have defeated his like before. No matter where I travel in this world I am followed by this evil, I am almost kin to it, for I have defeated it before and in each defeat I feel myself grow more like them every day, the one difference that separates me from them is my vow, my vow to eradicate the fowl smelling wretches each and every time I meet them on the field of battle, 10 yards away and still he screams the silent scream as if he didn’t it would rip his throat out, his eyes burn with fires of hatred, flames trail from his mouth, and yet as I race towards him I say nothing, not even the war cry of my ancestors will come from my lips. Finally together we crash with me sweeping my great sword from the left and straight at the juncture where the helm and the neck cod piece come together, at the last moment he manages to block the swing of my sword, as it rebounds off his blade I reverse and bring it in from the right side to a resounding crash against the his ribs, the plate mail screeches in defiance and it bows inward at the force from my sword, not much harm there but he understands now what he faces, no a knight of the light but a knight who travels in the grey of this world doing what needs to be done to keep balance as it should be, horses circling each other blows rain and metal sings, each trying to find an opening I the other defenses, I do not stay on the defense long knowing that I play a deadly game and in losing it allows the evil in this world more of a hold and less to the balance between the light and darkness. In an instance I change tactics raining blow after overhand blow down upon my mortal enemy, forcing back and into a defensive posture, striking as hard as I can and knowing full well that if I don’t finish this fight within the next several strokes I will be tired and on the defensive myself, I swing high catching him in the helm damaging the visor so that he has to retreat to the left instead of following me round to the right, I swing again and he blocks rounding the sword from my right hand to my left from around my back I sweep in and I catch him square in the gorget guarding his throat, crushing it under the great weight of my swing, knocking him from his horse. I stop and look down at him I can see the fires of hate from his eyes I hear the gravelly voice from inside of his helm, finish me you coward of the grey, you are as unholy as I and yet you do battle with me. I simply reply I am only here to make sure the balance is kept I am neither evil nor good, I just am. With that I slip from my horse and stand over him both my legs spread to fit in the sockets of his arms, I raise my blade above my head with the tip pointed directly down at his heart, I look again and see the flames in his eyes flicker from hate to fear, I know where his soul will journey this night, and the pain it will bring him, without anymore hesitation I plunge my sword straight down into his black heart, only a groan escapes his mouth as the last breath leaves his body. Have I won another fight, I have but I will fight many more in my quest to keep the balance of this world in place.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Respect & loyalty…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 17, 2013 by dankline2000

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Ok so it is a beautiful, crisp cold Sunday morning and around 9:00am and you want to know what I am thinking about respect and loyalty. The first is respect and to me respect is one of the hardest things in the world for me to begrudge anyone, I mean why respect anyone right? You see the list of people I respect is a very short one, hell I don’t even respect myself so why should I respect anyone else. Here are some of the things I respect in others, confidence, humor, independence, honor to one’s self and others, work ethic, personal ethics. Perhaps I should explain personal ethics as I see it, personal ethics are how one treats themselves, such as personal hygiene, taking care of one’s clothing, if their appearance is neat and tidy and clothes are clean then this person cares for themselves as much as others. Take for instance my ex-wife, she was always wearing a bit of make-up, her hair was always done, her toes were always painted and if not always her fingers there was usually a reason, she always smelled good not in a cologne way but in a freshly showered way.

Now I know that respect is much more than that it is personal habits, the way one carries himself and how a person treats others is as important as the things I have described above, so respect to me is not an easy given or deserved thing for me. I treat people like I want to be treated, I want to be spoken to and about with some kindness, I want people to be forthright and straight with people and them with me, if you have a problem or even something nice you want to say then do so, but don’t approach me with an attitude or with any reluctance at all, yes sometimes I can take it and yes sometimes I cannot, I would like to think that a normal trait and not something tied to my mental issues.

Loyalty, now that is not something I do very well a person has to earn that from me and there are very and I mean very few people in this world that have my loyalty as a matter of fact there is two people, yes only two people right now that I show nay loyalty to at all one is my son, which I guess it to be taken for granted, the other is Richard Stilger, if it weren’t for him I would be living in shelters or in a box under a bridge downtown. I have known him for many years and out of the kindness of his heart and this is very important to me, out of the kindness of his heart he gave me a place to live knowing I don’t have much money and I could not pay him for living with him. He has never asked me for money for anything as a matter of fact he even pays for everything except for my medication and my chewing tobacco. I help him every day with anything that he made need done from helping with house hold chores to helping him with his business, I don’t get any money in return and I don’t ask for any and I try to work as hard as I can to repay the debt I owe him, thing is it is not expected for me to even do what I do, he doesn’t ask and I don’t deny, I am up every morning with him and I go every time he does or doesn’t need me, if he can make the same amount of money but not have to work as hard if I am there then I am going, it just makes sense to me, probably not to others but I do it and not with a sense that I owe him anything I do it because it is the right thing to do. He even allows me to have my son over whenever I want and most o the time when Dylan is over he is still working and he tells me to spend time with my son, and he goes and does what needs to be done. Do I want to return to a normal job and have a little money in my pocket, yes and I am trying to do just that, it is hard to pay bills with just kindness, it is hard to go and do things with my son with only kindness, but until I do find a job and return to the work force I will do and go with him every day and work as hard as I can until then, then I will transfer that work ethic to the job I find.

So loyalty and respect are important to me as you have seen one more thing I want to say before I end this post. Each and every one of you who reads my blog have my respect and loyalty all of do not judge me or never do anything but give good advice or comments on my posts no matter what the content, I am so grateful for each and every one of you and I know I sometimes don’t seem to return the gesture then I am sorry, it seems I am wrapped up in myself these days and forget to let all of you know how much I do care by not going and reading your posts and liking them or even commenting on them. I am getting better and I will do my best to return the favor you have given me.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

The avalanche…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 15, 2013 by dankline2000

I really have nothing to say for myself, I am incredibly dumb, that’s it just plain dumb. I was or am involved in some high school drama bullshit and the fucked up thing is I went right along head first into this crap, and actually played along, can you believe it, yes. I have allowed this to happen to me, I have jumped head first right in the middle of it.

I just pulled myself out of it, not without a bit of help, who helped you ask? Well my 12 year old son that is who, basically he said this is what this is Dad and it hit me like a brick, no more like a freaking avalanche is more like it.

I am done, it is over move on.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline