I just had to look…..

Wow it has been so long since I have posted on my blog or even looked at it. It amazes me as I peruse the many things I have written over the years all the anger, the sadness, the confusion, not one thing that really strikes me as being positive. Then it hits me, why did I stop writing, why did I stop communicating in a form that has served me so well, so often? The answer is I don’t know. I ask myself am I really any different than I was then? I would like to think that I am but you see I really haven’t done anything different with my life I still do all those things that I did back then, except I locked myself away from the world. I still spend all of my time away from people unless I actually have to be in contact with them. I am still as angry now as I was then, but somehow it seems different so I guess that is a good change. I still deal with my others but its seems more like we live in comfortable silence with each other, perhaps because I have been isolating all this time. I have to say even when I am around other people I am always isolated, wrapped in my own little cocoon of an emotionless void. I guess in some ways I have changed you see, but in others I am still the very same person that started this blog not understanding what was wrong, why I was like this and how do I live with all of this? I have lived with all of this but still along the way I have lost and I am still losing not only myself but physical things, people I love, things I have owned. I have not felt much of anything for this whole period of time I go day by day just wanting to get this day over with so the next one can begin. Not much change as the days have gone by, what am I looking for? What kind of miracle is it that I am seeking only to really never look for said miracle? God I still ramble just like before, on that I have to smile I never could keep my thoughts from just pouring out while I write, my curse I guess. I want to write on here, I need to write on here. Even if it is the only meaningful interaction I have with other people.

THE POINT IS?

I have no friends, yet have no enemies either.

I have a job, yet never make enough to fully support myself.

I have a car, yet I have nowhere to go.

I have questions, yet receive no answers.

I pray to God, yet no path unfolds.

Is this the life for me? Do I stay at my job and feel as if I live on half ration for the rest of my life? Do I find a destination to drive my car to? Do I go in search of the answers I seek? Or do I wait and see if God has a path for me? All questions, yet unanswered. I was told I would be given the means to support myself 60 hours a pay period even if I had to file paperwork, I was told I could make as much as I wanted a salary, a percentage even, yet when I answered and said what I needed there was never a reply only silence. As for friends, they come and go with life like a breeze in the forest, there when you truly need them and just a whisper when you don’t. As for a place to drive I cannot go, you see the faith I put into my job is what keeps me inside the 10’-0”X12’-0” room I stay in. Never to go and see what wonders there are to be seen. Still no answers to the questions I seek, and yet not a path lay before me except to work my job, go to my meager room, to read, to watch movies and do nothing else. You see there are those who understand then there are those who think they understand, and then there are those who pretend only to get you to keep moving in the direction they want you to move.

Just for this day…..

For today I ask just this, to be granted a semblance of peace of mind. To not allow the anger to show, but to let the anger dissipate and be gone from my body, my mind and my soul. To be able to live with myself just the way I am. To be aware of what it is that I am doing, not only to myself but others. To learn to trust others as I don’t trust but one person now and it isn’t me. To show others that I am fully capable of caring and of doing for others as they have done for me. To be given the chance to love again, to truly feel the love I have felt before.

I want to just be, I am not sure if i understand what that is but I am willing to learn. I want to be calm, open minded and aware. Not closed off, not separated, not in a state of seemingly suspended animation to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I grow weary of this cycle and wish it to stop.

To take the things I have learned in my life and to pass them on, to show, not to teach for teaching is not something I am capable of doing. To pass on what limited knowledge I have to another, I would like that to be my son, but as he grows older he has to walk his own path, but I would like him to walk that path with some of the things I have shown him along the way. This last week my son worked with me, actually worked with me to achieve a goal set before me and if it were not for him I would not have achieved that goal. To say that I am proud of him is not enough; I have no words to express how pleased I am with him. To see him work at something, to work till his arms ached, his back hurt and he was sore all over. He didn’t quit, he complained very little, but he did not stop till the day’s work was completed, then went back again the very next day and did it all over again. And yet still wants to go with me on Monday to finish the job he helped to start. How to explain or even to express how I feel towards him is impossible. All I can do is show him how much I love him and keep showing him the things that I can.

My work completes me unlike anything I have ever felt before; it starts with an idea, then to a sketch of that idea, then to drawings and construction documents of that idea. Then it goes one step farther and the idea, sketch, construction documents become a reality. To be able to share that with others gives me more pleasure than one can believe. To make an idea a reality for others to see. If I could pass on one thing to my son it would be that, take your ideas and make them a reality for the whole world or even just one person to see. I would pass this along to all of you, life is short, and life is not fair, find something that makes you happy, if it is only the simplest of things grab a hold of it and make it a reality.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Respect & loyalty…..

Ok so it is a beautiful, crisp cold Sunday morning and around 9:00am and you want to know what I am thinking about respect and loyalty. The first is respect and to me respect is one of the hardest things in the world for me to begrudge anyone, I mean why respect anyone right? You see the list of people I respect is a very short one, hell I don’t even respect myself so why should I respect anyone else. Here are some of the things I respect in others, confidence, humor, independence, honor to one’s self and others, work ethic, personal ethics. Perhaps I should explain personal ethics as I see it, personal ethics are how one treats themselves, such as personal hygiene, taking care of one’s clothing, if their appearance is neat and tidy and clothes are clean then this person cares for themselves as much as others. Take for instance my ex-wife, she was always wearing a bit of make-up, her hair was always done, her toes were always painted and if not always her fingers there was usually a reason, she always smelled good not in a cologne way but in a freshly showered way.

Now I know that respect is much more than that it is personal habits, the way one carries himself and how a person treats others is as important as the things I have described above, so respect to me is not an easy given or deserved thing for me. I treat people like I want to be treated, I want to be spoken to and about with some kindness, I want people to be forthright and straight with people and them with me, if you have a problem or even something nice you want to say then do so, but don’t approach me with an attitude or with any reluctance at all, yes sometimes I can take it and yes sometimes I cannot, I would like to think that a normal trait and not something tied to my mental issues.

Loyalty, now that is not something I do very well a person has to earn that from me and there are very and I mean very few people in this world that have my loyalty as a matter of fact there is two people, yes only two people right now that I show nay loyalty to at all one is my son, which I guess it to be taken for granted, the other is Richard Stilger, if it weren’t for him I would be living in shelters or in a box under a bridge downtown. I have known him for many years and out of the kindness of his heart and this is very important to me, out of the kindness of his heart he gave me a place to live knowing I don’t have much money and I could not pay him for living with him. He has never asked me for money for anything as a matter of fact he even pays for everything except for my medication and my chewing tobacco. I help him every day with anything that he made need done from helping with house hold chores to helping him with his business, I don’t get any money in return and I don’t ask for any and I try to work as hard as I can to repay the debt I owe him, thing is it is not expected for me to even do what I do, he doesn’t ask and I don’t deny, I am up every morning with him and I go every time he does or doesn’t need me, if he can make the same amount of money but not have to work as hard if I am there then I am going, it just makes sense to me, probably not to others but I do it and not with a sense that I owe him anything I do it because it is the right thing to do. He even allows me to have my son over whenever I want and most o the time when Dylan is over he is still working and he tells me to spend time with my son, and he goes and does what needs to be done. Do I want to return to a normal job and have a little money in my pocket, yes and I am trying to do just that, it is hard to pay bills with just kindness, it is hard to go and do things with my son with only kindness, but until I do find a job and return to the work force I will do and go with him every day and work as hard as I can until then, then I will transfer that work ethic to the job I find.

So loyalty and respect are important to me as you have seen one more thing I want to say before I end this post. Each and every one of you who reads my blog have my respect and loyalty all of do not judge me or never do anything but give good advice or comments on my posts no matter what the content, I am so grateful for each and every one of you and I know I sometimes don’t seem to return the gesture then I am sorry, it seems I am wrapped up in myself these days and forget to let all of you know how much I do care by not going and reading your posts and liking them or even commenting on them. I am getting better and I will do my best to return the favor you have given me.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Something from a different place…..

You all have seen me all over the place in the feelings department but lately a reader has been asking me questions about some thing that is very important to him, he has yet to post on my site but I have taken a very keen interest in his question. I have replied to it here and as I have said it is very different from the normal things I write about, so please read it with an open mind and an open heart. It still fits neatly into my realm of thinking but it has reminded me that there are somethings that need to be addressed and I hope that I have answered his or her question to the best of my ability.

You always want to know where your place is or rather what importance you are in some others life, when it seems like you are on the outside and you know that you are down at the bottom end of that person’s life, it hurts. No matter if that person is supposed to be your friend, girlfriend, boyfriend even husband or wife, it hurts. They talk to you of only trivial things, never anything of substance. It is very frustrating when you want to be the center of that persons attention, but you have that creeping nagging feeling and you know that you are not the most important person in this other person’s life. So what do you do? Do you whine? Do you beg? Do you tell this person that you want all of their attention; well you see it is never that easy because unless that person really wants you to be the center of their life then you will never be no matter what you do or if you do all or none of those things I have listed before. Again I ask what do you do to become the center of their life, nothing there is nothing you can do that will make any more of an impact on them than what you have already done. You know that you could be the best thing in this person’s life; you know you will treat them better than they have ever been treated before. You know you don’t have much in the way of material things to give them, not much money, not a very promising future, but you have things still that you can and would give them, love, smiles, hugs, friendship and trust, that they will never have to fear from you the things they have feared from others. To some that is a lot, to others it is trivial and they still continue on the path they have led before to the same places, to the same problems and to the same people. It all seems so frustrating doesn’t it?

So you wait for a call a text or even the slightest chance that you will see this person, it moves within you like a fire waiting to be released, but you wait and you know in the end that you will not be chosen, that they will choose another as they have so many times before.

You see I write exactly what I feel and sometimes that doesn’t come across as right or wrong, it disturbs people that I can put words onto paper or in this case a screen that I am unable to do verbally, I have always been able to write the way I feel better than I can verbally communicate any feelings to any other person.

You see you have to understand what this other person is telling you, that they need to get their head straight, that they have other things that they need to take care of, you should give this other person all the room in the world, if only they would let you know that you would have the chance to make them happy right? This other person is confused, probably hurt and not a little bit scared, you should never push yourself onto this other person, never make demands that are unreasonable, although from my previous writing it seems that what I am saying is being a bit selfish and perhaps that is true. But you need this other person to understand what you have to give them, who you are and what your dreams are. I feel that sometimes it is hard to communicate with another person that you have strong feelings for, you see you are vulnerable, scared and you don’t want to be excluded from that person’s life.

Here is what I think that should happen, you should stop being afraid and tell this other person how you feel, I know easier said than done I have been in the same place you are. But you need to know, you need to have a sense of contentment that you can and will be all the things that this other person wants and needs, you see it sounds like you have great feelings for this person and I would hope that this person sees this as a chance to live, to be loved, to have a friend that could and would share all of their thoughts, hopes and dreams with. I really cannot give you any better advice because you see I am in the same boat that you are. We can only hope that the ones we show affection towards will return the same affection, that they will choose a different path this time. Hopefully you will become the one they walk down the road with in the future. I am glad you posted to me this has been very hard for me to answer, mostly I get questions about anger, depression, resentment, rage well you have read my blog and what I have had to write about and the questions that have been asked of me. This is not usually the type of thing I get to write about much, and please from now on fell free to ask your question directly on my page no need to send me an email, or if you prefer keep sending me emails I think you want to remain under the radar. But all in all I am glad that you read my blog and I really want to know how this has worked out for you in the end. Remember we all have a hard time being strong, but I feel that with patience and persistence all things can be achieved.

With much dedication and gratitude,

Dan Kline

BURDEN…..

I feel the weight of the heavy burden I bear,

It’s weight pulling me down, slowing me down,

The words I hear I speak unbidden, from lips with no tongue,

I hear the cracking of my very bones, this weight upon me heavier than stone,

Each step an unbearable agony, the blisters on my feet enraged,

This weight never shifting, never truly balanced,

My mouth dry and parched, I long to drink, yet never can I lay this burden down,

My stomach rumbles and aches, longing for sustenance to prolong my wearisome journey,

My mind craves knowledge only obvious to those who teach, and yet I can no longer stop to learn,

Each step an inch, each inch a mile, each mile an eternity,

The path stretches out before me, pulling me ever onward to mine own mysterious destination,

Forever it seems this place I seek, not knowing if I may lay this burden down,

It seems a part of me and extension of mine own body, akin to another arm or leg, or perhaps even a head,

No other may share this with me for it is mine alone to carry, but the weight of it is overwhelming,

Pulling me, pushing me ever forward never to rest my cracking bones and exhausted muscles.

Dan

Being a little remiss here…..

I do want to say this I have been completely engrossed with my internal struggles to the point that I have neglected my friends here on Word Press, I haven’t been reading your posts, I haven’t commented on a single one and that isn’t right, I have faith and trust in all of you to understand and find something in each of my posts that perhaps you can relate to, I always find a word or two in each of your posts that resonates with in me. Perhaps I can get over this self centeredness soon and go back to the camaraderie that I find with each and every one of you, please forgive me and know I won’t be like this forever.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Family or Friends…..

sometimes you have to make the hard decisions

There are going to be two posts that I write about today and both of them are things that have been weighing heavy upon my mind. The first is the fact that my wife doesn’t seem to like one of my best friends and not without certain reasons I suppose, and the second is the country. I am laying here with a stopped up head I have sinusitis which sucks cause it feels like my sinuses have dried up completely and it is very painful and I have had a headache for about 3 days.

Ok let’s start with the best friend, Stephen now some of you may already have heard of him others may not have, but to me he is a good guy over the years he has helped me out a number of times doing various things that best friends do like helping to fix cars, helping to fox things around the house, hanging out just because we can, going hunting, fishing and camping with the entire family. He would give you the shirt off his back if you really needed it and quite frankly he has on more than one occasion. Now these are all good traits as I hope that you can see, so now we will go into the reason I think that my wife don’t like about him.

Well when he gets drunk he gets loud and opinionated. My wife thinks that he talks me into all kinds of things like the dreaded bar hopping, really if I didn’t want to do something do you really think that my constitution is so low that I can be talked into anything that I don’t really want to do? He is secretly or not really all that secretly in love with my wife and has been for years and he tends to get touchy feely with her and I thought I had put a stop to that till the other night when we got here drunk and he was all baby this and baby that, well now it is time to make the decision about Stephen, I have given him one chance about this and now it is time to kick him to the curb, he is single go find your own woman this one is taken by me and will never, ever have anything to do with him. Hard thing to do but I choose my wife over my supposed best friend. And really it is hard to have single friends and be married they can go and do anything they want at the drop of a hat and really I have to think about the ramifications of family before I can make any decisions, and I don’t mind doing that I have a family and I love my family.

God I need some ibuprofen or something my head and neck really hurt. And I am on the path to actually not drinking anymore ay all, it just takes too long for my body to recuperate, sometimes for days after words, and during that time I am not able to help my wife in the capacity that is needed. So really is one night of fun worth 2-3 days of a hangover? Not really. It all comes down to this, she thinks that he talks me into all kinds of things and that is really not true, and I think she is having self image problems and that I might find someone else to replace her and that will never happen, I love my wife very much as all of you know and I will never go anywhere ever for the rest of our natural born lives and probably even longer than that.

Hey I think I have mastered getting my point across on my posts in fewer words than I have in the past

End of story, I love my wife and I choose my wife over any and everybody else, including Stephen Troy Raper.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

A little note for my wife…..

with all my heart and soul

I also understand that when I drink I tend to get mean especially the last few months, give me another chance to prove to you that mentally I am no longer that man, and that I can be just like I used to be a happy go lucky drunk goof ball, who still loves you and wants you for who you are right at this very moment, this may sound mushy and it is, but I have never been more in love with you in our entire marriage than I am right now.

And now to explain why, you have shown great courage and determination since getting this disease, you have gotten stronger both mentally and spiritually, and to me that just adds to your physical beauty just that much more, if I only had half of your courage I would not have gotten addicted to Xanax and I would better be able to handle my mental issues, I don’t think you understand what it is like looking at you from the outside. You really seem more alive right now than ever before and you make every effort that you are able to help me when you are the one in need now, you let me cry on your shoulder, even if you don’t remember, you rubbed my head and told me you loved me and that I would be alright, because of you and how you are handling your issues, it gives me the strength not to give up, this is what you do for me, and I bet you didn’t even know that.

With all my love and heart,

Dan Kline

Well tis about time I can get out fer a bit…..

well it do look like me after a hard day o riding or fightin or maybe drinking

Oy, does anyone know what then little buttons on the side im supposed to click, I am supposed to click them right, what am I asking fer now ya havent even read the damn thing yet, oh well I will push them all. HAR. Knights Templar I were thinking we werent supposed to talk about them? I’m just hopin I did this right, been a while since I wrote one o these damn things, ow am I supposed to remember all this nonsense?

Well I don know rightly if I should write fer Dan or not, he is out on a bit of a holiday fer now, and rightly he deserves it to say the least. Like I been replying all night fer the little bastard he done and went and wore heself out doing all that damn running in the heat over the last week or so, no man should ave to be out in that there heat fer very long, hmm memory response in the old fingers when we type, actually wants to spell werds the way he would but he cant cause I am in charge fer a bit. What a lark him actually typing the way I speak, or am I typing the way I speak, ok that there boggles the mind a bit. Don tell im but I snuck a few o hes snacks from the kitchen, I like them there Nutty Bars, they are good and tasty, that they are. Hey whats say we talk about Dan while he is gone, I’m not talking anything big but something that is maybe funny or embarrassing but wont cause too much anger in the boy, he kinda deserves it fer the other day anyhow, well lets see what we can do about this, he has had the same sorts of things happen to him that others ave, you know like being pants on high school, but he did beat the crap out of the guy, and he did lose es swimming trunks in the public pool one time, and then there was the time when he were at an away game playing hockey and went to moon a passing car and got hes ass cheeks frosted to the window glass o the bus, that were funnier than hell cause he had to force hes cheeks offin the window without any warm water and he lost a few layers o ass skin fer that one, har that were a good one to be sure. But what else has happened to Dan that might be embarrassing to im, I am gonna ave to think bout this a little, well really there aint much cepting fer the few things I already told ye, he did very well at hes bootcamp training and was a damn fine soldier, fought with honor that he did, made me proud to be a part o him, or he a part o me. Oh he did step on his junior prom dates dress and rip it offin her young little body and she was left standing in her panties, but wait that weren’t so embarrassing to im and more ta her, so that won work. Well hells bells I really cant think o nothing so I am gonna end this, it is beginning to be more like werk than I like, now give me a good brawl and a pint o ale or mead, I do luv me some mead and I am a happy little blighter to say the least, they don ave mead in the US though I might find er in a micro brewery had to use a bit o Dan s brain fer that one couldn’t remember what the hell it were called, so then I am off ye fine lads and lasses, ave yerself a good evening and a great morrow. Damn I didna write about a damn thing did I?

Khayleth