Archive for September, 2012

Enter the next life stage…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 25, 2012 by dankline2000

I just want to know why Gerri thinks splitting up the family will help me; my family is my bedrock, for the foundation of my life. I know living with me is not easy and things get a bit precarious at times but all in all have I not been a good father and for the most part a decent husband. I understand that I am getting no better and neither are you apparently but to make me feel like you are sending me away is not the answer, you have always said one day at a time and one thing at a time and that our love would be better for it, have you changed your mind about that, obviously you have or you would not be asking me to leave. Makes me wonder if I should ever come back, I will be this way for the rest of my life, I will run out of medicine, I will be put on different medications more than once and we will not know how they will affect me, I will get angry everyone does, I will get depressed it is a part of who I am, that’s what gets me this is not a thing  that will go away, this is who I am, and who I will be for the rest of my life. You are asking me to leave to better myself, ok fine I will do that, but it comes with consequences. That is not a threat it is the truth. I feel betrayed for whom I am, I feel shoved aside, like I am not good enough for you anymore and this might all prove to be true. My black ring will stay with you till you feel I am worthy to wear it once again.

With much sorrow and grief,

Dan Kline

Hiding, Scared, HURT…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 25, 2012 by dankline2000

I can’t talk to my wife, so I guess I will talk through this infernal machine. I am feeling hopeless, lost, abandoned and pushed away and that is doing all kinds of things for my inner selves. I want to shut down, stop working, stop feeling. I am a child again and everybody and everything I love is either pushing me away or making me leave. I want to crawl into the smallest space I can find and hide; doesn’t anyone in this house understand that?

WDK

My God what the fuck is wrong with this picture…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 25, 2012 by dankline2000

Let me see where did I leave off the last time I spoke to all of you, well I cant remember so I will just fill you in from over the last few days.

My wife has asked me to leave so that I can work on myself and she can distress, due to the fact that I am one of her leading stress factor. She worries over me about how I am going to act and what I am going to do. I agree with her that I am unpredictable with my moods and actions. Ok here is the jamb in this part of the storey I have no place to go to, at all none of my friends, the few that I have, have any room for another person. Russel has his in laws living with him; Stephen has his Uncle living with him and a friend that he works with. So I told Gerri I would go and pitch a tent at Yellow Bank WMA, well I hit a snag with that one Russel just came and got the tent that I was going to use and I cannot find the poles to my own tent.

Well I went into the living room to discuss how she was going to handle Dylan and the fact that he has had detention for 3 weeks in a row, I told her I wouldn’t be here and what was she going to do, well that started out on the wrong foot and it only got worse from there, but I feel like that she cannot handle Dylan and that leaves Nanny to discipline him. It went on to go into the fact that I feel that she doesn’t care where I go as long as I am not here, I told her that she didn’t even mention the fact that I would be sleeping in a tent in the woods, and did that not bother her, she replied that she said something when I first told her several days ago about it. I feel it is very unfair that I have to leave, hell I don’t do anything but sit in my room, and now she doesn’t even ask me to help her because I get upset when I have to do something for her, I call bullshit on this one right here, yes I might have said the icy hot wasn’t working but I sure as hell put it on her every time she asked, now she doesn’t even ask me to do anything she gets her mother to do it, and hell her mother ignores me, just plain ignores me unless I speak to her, otherwise I am just another fixture in the house.

Now look I know how I am and I know what I need , I think to do to help myself but I am being separated from my family because of being me and having problems of my own, that no one recognizes as being there, it isn’t a physical malady you can’t see it you can’t put a band aid on it, it is a mental disability and I deserve as many rights as a person who is suffering a physical problem, this is how I am feeling I am being treated, you can’t see it there isn’t nothing wrong with you. I am even getting from my wife the feeling that my problems are not as important as hers, I know she doesn’t think that way but what and where am I suppose to go, I am a person that needs stability and the ladder has been kicked out from underneath me and I am hanging onto the gutter of my life. You tell me if this is right and that this is the best possible thing for me right now. I just wish her mother would give me the money I am waiting on so I can just fucking leave, I will go live under a bridge somewhere if I have to.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Lets see of we can define who Dan is…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 22, 2012 by dankline2000

I am not a country boy, I am not a redneck, I am not a cowboy or a city boy, and hell I don’t think I was much of a soldier, so who and what am I? I need to find that answer I have tried to be all of those people I have listed above but I don’t fit in any one of those categories, bottom line I don’t know who I am, I am just me, can I be a combination of all of those things and still have a sense of my own identity? I am not clearly defined, take my music choices for example, I am listening to George Strait and can sing ever word to every song note for note, and yet this morning I was listening to Joss Stone a female blues singer. Later I was listening to Lindsey Stirling a violinist with a techno back beat then I was listening to Great White, see even my music choices don’t fit into a certain profile or genre if you please, what and who am I, that is the thought for this moment.

WE

Thanks for leaving us in a mess…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 22, 2012 by dankline2000

Well now that, that is out of our system let’s see if we can move forward, shall we? What we need is help and Gerri is right we cannot do it here when we worry over her well being and general health and we have been contributing to the problem, my how she must feel to have one such as I tramping about the house being a, I have all over the place emotionally, I have a sense of self but unfortunately I don’t have a name, all that I know is that Dan needs me right now to handle a bit of a situation that he seems to be unable to handle. I wonder have I written on here before, do any of you know who I am, I think therefore I am, but who the hell am I? Should we keep ourselves a secret from Gerri and let her think we are Dan, only to keep her from feeling any more pressure and fear than she already feels. I am not sure what part I am of Dan but I think he just gave up and pop here I am, is this how this works, problems arise and bam another person just takes over and controls where he can’t? I don’t even like the way this is, hell he has put us in a bit of a predicament and now we have to clean up the mess that he has created. Hmmm, we will see.

No Name call me We.

Death might just be better…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 22, 2012 by dankline2000

Tonight I want to die, I am the problem I am unapproachable to my wife and son. My wife has asked me to go and spend some time with my brother, that I need to work on myself, needless to say I am taking it wrong even though I know that she is right, I do need to work on myself. If I am here I am more worried over her and not myself, I am not doing the things that I need to do to help myself, I haven’t found a therapist I haven’t been to see my shrink since I get Medicare. I am not doing very well and it kind of hit me right in my dad gum eye. I don’t know what she expects for me to do in Florida to help myself my doctors are here. It has to be a distance issue, I worry over her she worries over me and neither of us is getting any better, and guess who is stuck in the middle, Dylan. So I have decided I am going to go live in the woods for a little while, as soon as Richard and Mary Susan give me the money they owe me I am gone, but so far away that if something happens I can’t get home in a more than an hour, if I could be closer I would but Yellow Bank is free, I just have to leave it better than when I got there, so this to me is the best option. I won’t have no electricity so no internet and that means no posts, I know how much each of you loves the posts that I write, sub humor there. It has triggered all those thoughts of abandonment issues that I have to go along with the fact that I feel like I have caused my life partner, my wife, the woman I love more harm than good, good thing she loves me or else I would be gone right now and I don’t mean camping. I owe you all a great debt, you have listened to me whine and bitch and moan and carry on like a fucking baby and I love all of you for that. Don’t worry I am too much of a chicken shit to kill myself, I think I mean fuck I can stare down 4 MMA fighters but I can’t pull a blade across my wrists, well no it is the thought of not knowing what happens next that keeps me from killing myself, hell I would love to be immortal, just so I can see what develops in the lives of the people around me. Perhaps I will be bitten by a vampire and he will turn me into the undead. I guess I shouldn’t wish for that it may happen. See all you on the morrow. Fuck it let my alters take over cause I am doing a shitty job of being me, I give full access to my mind and body over to them I am only going to fuck it even further…..

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Music I love…..

Posted in Music with tags on September 22, 2012 by dankline2000

Music, it is such a huge part of my control, mentally  and physically it doth soothe the savage beast but I want to be submersed in my music, I want to hear it well not as loud as I want but the speakers I have do just the trick. The music that you hear me play will give you a huge clue as to what I am feeling like right now I feel like I am an outsider, so I am listening to some of my favorites from Great White, man this is my favorite band of all time, not only are they good but the lead singer looks just like my older brother. I will expand on why I am feeling like an outsider later, but do me a favor if you like Glam rock or just good music download one of their greatest hits albums and you will come to find that Jack Russell’s voice is amazing, not to mention the guitar music is complex and soothing.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Ps. I wish I could just upload files on her of some of my favorites so you don’t have to go looking for them. I know what I will do I will put a link on this page when it works right that will get you the file you want, but you will need a torrent down loader like BitTorrent to down load it. I have also found that my music tastes are changing, I am mostly a country fan but I have been experimenting with female jazz singers like Joss Stone, Susan Tedeschi and of course if you haven’t heard Carrie Underwoods new single check it out on youtube it is called Blown Away very dark for a country song.