I just had to look…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Guilt, Loss, Questions, Uncategorized with tags on March 7, 2018 by dankline2000

Wow it has been so long since I have posted on my blog or even looked at it. It amazes me as I peruse the many things I have written over the years all the anger, the sadness, the confusion, not one thing that really strikes me as being positive. Then it hits me, why did I stop writing, why did I stop communicating in a form that has served me so well, so often? The answer is I don’t know. I ask myself am I really any different than I was then? I would like to think that I am but you see I really haven’t done anything different with my life I still do all those things that I did back then, except I locked myself away from the world. I still spend all of my time away from people unless I actually have to be in contact with them. I am still as angry now as I was then, but somehow it seems different so I guess that is a good change. I still deal with my others but its seems more like we live in comfortable silence with each other, perhaps because I have been isolating all this time. I have to say even when I am around other people I am always isolated, wrapped in my own little cocoon of an emotionless void. I guess in some ways I have changed you see, but in others I am still the very same person that started this blog not understanding what was wrong, why I was like this and how do I live with all of this? I have lived with all of this but still along the way I have lost and I am still losing not only myself but physical things, people I love, things I have owned. I have not felt much of anything for this whole period of time I go day by day just wanting to get this day over with so the next one can begin. Not much change as the days have gone by, what am I looking for? What kind of miracle is it that I am seeking only to really never look for said miracle? God I still ramble just like before, on that I have to smile I never could keep my thoughts from just pouring out while I write, my curse I guess. I want to write on here, I need to write on here. Even if it is the only meaningful interaction I have with other people.

Still, what to use as a Title…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, Love, PTSD, Questions, Respect, Uncategorized on April 18, 2017 by dankline2000

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

THE POINT IS?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Friendship, Guilt, Questions, Uncategorized on April 6, 2017 by dankline2000

I have no friends, yet have no enemies either.

I have a job, yet never make enough to fully support myself.

I have a car, yet I have nowhere to go.

I have questions, yet receive no answers.

I pray to God, yet no path unfolds.

Is this the life for me? Do I stay at my job and feel as if I live on half ration for the rest of my life? Do I find a destination to drive my car to? Do I go in search of the answers I seek? Or do I wait and see if God has a path for me? All questions, yet unanswered. I was told I would be given the means to support myself 60 hours a pay period even if I had to file paperwork, I was told I could make as much as I wanted a salary, a percentage even, yet when I answered and said what I needed there was never a reply only silence. As for friends, they come and go with life like a breeze in the forest, there when you truly need them and just a whisper when you don’t. As for a place to drive I cannot go, you see the faith I put into my job is what keeps me inside the 10’-0”X12’-0” room I stay in. Never to go and see what wonders there are to be seen. Still no answers to the questions I seek, and yet not a path lay before me except to work my job, go to my meager room, to read, to watch movies and do nothing else. You see there are those who understand then there are those who think they understand, and then there are those who pretend only to get you to keep moving in the direction they want you to move.

In regards to a question…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Questions, Uncategorized on January 30, 2017 by dankline2000

Marieolivia (a reader of one of my posts Yes I do this….)

3 daysletsgetstartedbaby.wordpress.com

To me this sounds like not taking responsibility for your own life. So if no one else cares about you (or so you say) why don’t YOU care? Why don’t YOU give a shit about yourself? You also write that nothing changes, and nothing gets better, isn’t this a perfect example that cutting doesn’t help you either. It gives relief, and we need relief. We crave it desperately, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that cutting takes your problems away.

You asked your reader (in this instance me) where this leaves you. This leaves you with one hell of a job to get out of the funk. But you’re the only one that can do it. And it will never change before you decide that it will. I believe that you can change your life.

 

Thank you first of all for being so forthright and bluntly honest, I truly do appreciate this.

The questions you’re asking me about my post are not very easy to answer but then they just might be simpler than I think. No, I don’t take responsibility for my own life not anymore, reasons are not easy for me to explain but in the end, the truth is I just don’t. I have fucked it up beyond all recognition. No, I don’t give 2 shits about myself, but have you heard the saying that those who can’t do, teach? Guess you could say the same about myself, if I truly didn’t give 2 shits about myself shouldn’t I have done something about by now instead of bitch and complain? I tried; I tried really hard but just couldn’t do it. Change, now change is a scary subject for me. The issue is I have tried to change only to end up right back where I started. You know what this is the same old drivel and dumbass shite that I have been writing about since I started this blog.

So I will take your advice MarieOlivia, where does this leave me?

Yes, I do this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD with tags on January 27, 2017 by dankline2000

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I cut…………………

Don’t ask why because if you don’t know about it then you don’t know the release that it brings. To me, it works better than meds. Mostly my left hand right above the thumb, it has been cut on so many times it has no feelings. Why do I do it is the question many people will ask, the whys and what for. I will tell you this I get to the point where nothing else works, not pills, booze, sleep, nothing else works so I cut, and no it doesn’t hurt it does release the endorphins that settle me down. I am not even sure why I am admitting this now of all times, oh yes I do this is perhaps the most stressful point in my life. Literally, I have lost everything. No, I don’t want to kill myself but I do want this time period of my life to move on, think Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray. It seems that every day is the same nothing I do differently seems to matter. I try and try and yet to what end, I still have the stressors, I still have the same fucking thoughts, I stand in absolute silence staring out into the world and seeing nothing but shit, fuck this, I hate it. I have said at least once a day my entire adult life, no one listens to me, no gives a fuck about me and never will. So my dear reader where the fuck does that leave me? I will let you answer that for yourself.

With much gratitude,

Dan Kline

IT’S JUST A LITTLE ANGER

Posted in Uncategorized on January 21, 2017 by dankline2000

My thoughts betray me; no they are not thoughts of death or dying or of walking in the shadows. No, my thoughts are full of anger, but I ask myself what am I angry about? The answers immediately come to mind.

My vehicle is broken down and I can’t get it fixed.

The answer, well you are still able to get to work and the places you need, can’t you and you can work from your little room at the top of the red house?

I live in a boarding house in one small room having to share a bathroom and kitchen with others.

The answer, you have a warm place to sleep, a shower and a place to make food.

I’m not making enough money or getting enough hours at work.

The answer, you have a job, you have a better job than most. Yes, things are hard right now but they could be worse. There are people out there that make a third of what you do and have to live on that. You have a boss that is out daily meeting with people to get you work, it’s a time-consuming process and he has more to do every day owning the company than I do, plus he has a family I don’t.

I think I have finally figured out what I am angry about, and it isn’t a stupendous, spectacular issue but it is one that has plagued me my whole life, what now or even better what’s next. I go through this life looking at all the bad things, thinking all of these dark, dreadful things. But the truth is no one knows what’s next or even what now. I, you, we have no control over this life and we damned sure don’t have any control over what’s next. So I ask myself why be angry at all of those things above if I cannot control them? Because in my messed up, rigid, undisciplined mind I want to have control. But that’s not what’s going to happen; I cannot control things that are uncontrollable. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, only the truth is it happens the same way every time. Am I still angry? Yes, I am still angry, but no one is hurting me on purpose, no is trying to take something away from me. If truth be told there are people in my life that actually want to help me and I resist them with all the strength in my body and mind (in which I have considerable strength). The question, why do I do this I cannot tell you. But I need to learn to accept these things which I cannot control, I need to learn to let go and shall we say go with the flow, we all things change on a minute to minute basis. I also need to learn to be grateful and thankful for what I do have instead of being angry over what I do not.

Who the Fuck Cares…..

Posted in Uncategorized on January 16, 2017 by dankline2000

The air runs short in my lungs, each gasp of breathe I imagine to be of an elk or deer in its final troughs of life, short, sharp and deep as I succumb to the beer and Xanax combination that will take me into oblivion. That sweet silence of sleep where I don’t dream where I don’t love and I just don’t give a fuck. Show me a difference and I will take it, I have no one, I don’t want no one and I really just don’t care.