Archive for the PTSD Category

Still, what to use as a Title…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, Loss, Love, PTSD, Questions, Respect, Uncategorized on April 18, 2017 by dankline2000

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

In regards to a question…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Guilt, ME, PTSD, Questions, Uncategorized on January 30, 2017 by dankline2000

Marieolivia (a reader of one of my posts Yes I do this….)

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To me this sounds like not taking responsibility for your own life. So if no one else cares about you (or so you say) why don’t YOU care? Why don’t YOU give a shit about yourself? You also write that nothing changes, and nothing gets better, isn’t this a perfect example that cutting doesn’t help you either. It gives relief, and we need relief. We crave it desperately, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that cutting takes your problems away.

You asked your reader (in this instance me) where this leaves you. This leaves you with one hell of a job to get out of the funk. But you’re the only one that can do it. And it will never change before you decide that it will. I believe that you can change your life.

 

Thank you first of all for being so forthright and bluntly honest, I truly do appreciate this.

The questions you’re asking me about my post are not very easy to answer but then they just might be simpler than I think. No, I don’t take responsibility for my own life not anymore, reasons are not easy for me to explain but in the end, the truth is I just don’t. I have fucked it up beyond all recognition. No, I don’t give 2 shits about myself, but have you heard the saying that those who can’t do, teach? Guess you could say the same about myself, if I truly didn’t give 2 shits about myself shouldn’t I have done something about by now instead of bitch and complain? I tried; I tried really hard but just couldn’t do it. Change, now change is a scary subject for me. The issue is I have tried to change only to end up right back where I started. You know what this is the same old drivel and dumbass shite that I have been writing about since I started this blog.

So I will take your advice MarieOlivia, where does this leave me?

Yes, I do this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, ME, PTSD with tags on January 27, 2017 by dankline2000

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I cut…………………

Don’t ask why because if you don’t know about it then you don’t know the release that it brings. To me, it works better than meds. Mostly my left hand right above the thumb, it has been cut on so many times it has no feelings. Why do I do it is the question many people will ask, the whys and what for. I will tell you this I get to the point where nothing else works, not pills, booze, sleep, nothing else works so I cut, and no it doesn’t hurt it does release the endorphins that settle me down. I am not even sure why I am admitting this now of all times, oh yes I do this is perhaps the most stressful point in my life. Literally, I have lost everything. No, I don’t want to kill myself but I do want this time period of my life to move on, think Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray. It seems that every day is the same nothing I do differently seems to matter. I try and try and yet to what end, I still have the stressors, I still have the same fucking thoughts, I stand in absolute silence staring out into the world and seeing nothing but shit, fuck this, I hate it. I have said at least once a day my entire adult life, no one listens to me, no gives a fuck about me and never will. So my dear reader where the fuck does that leave me? I will let you answer that for yourself.

With much gratitude,

Dan Kline

So what, do you have an answer?????

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD on September 5, 2016 by dankline2000

There is no winning or losing, you either want to wake up in the morning or you don’t, and if you can’t find a way to live with yourself well then why run away from it. Why because I don’t want to die, I want to live, not survive but live. But if you can’t find a way to do that, then you’re fucked. This, this right here, right now in this instance, this very fucking second in my life is not living; fuck it this isn’t even existing. So fuck it I’m done running because I’m having one fucking hell of a time living with myself. All my reasons are gone, my son doesn’t want anything to do with me and no one and not even my son will tell me what the fuck I did. I have gone through so many scenarios of what if’s with that, that I can’t even tell you what fucking day of the god damn week it is. I can’t pay my way in this fucking messed up self-centered world because my work just tells me it’s coming this is just the calm before the storm, I got no fucking food in my house to eat you stupid fuckers. I can’t even force myself to give two shits about a fucking thing. Fuck work, bills, family, friends, and this fucking world in general. I’m fucking sick of the struggle, don’t you see that? I’m fucking sick of worrying about the day to day mundane fucking bullshit like bills, food, work, relationships (ya it’s so fucked up I had to say it twice), all of it is so fucking tiring that I don’t fucking care anymore. I keep asking for help, it never comes so why, tell me why shouldn’t I just give the fuck up? To think I was a fighter, what a fucking joke. All I am is tired, lost and in need of just one, one thing to see me through, rest….. Honestly in your heart you wanna wake up tomorrow and the next day because that day, that day right there might just be the best fucking day of your life, probably just stick around and see, but in this case you might just want to have faith. It’s just too fucking bad I have been proven wrong on this account too many times.

Fuck it all,

Dan Kline

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

I don’t have a title for this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 6, 2014 by dankline2000

It seems as if I go from one end of the spectrum to the other. From feeling somewhat normal to feeling the same way I did when I began this blog. Can I not find a happy medium, a level place in between? I have come to understand that this is the nature of my “mental problems” that this is the way things are going to be, but yet somehow I cannot accept this. I find that my outlook towards things have changed, have skewed somewhat if you will. I have never expected many people to understand my problems with DID, but I will also not hide who I am, the problems I have or who I have become now. Accept me for who I am now or just turn and walk away. I find myself secluded, which I don’t want to be, I find myself withdrawn, which is not a good sign, I find myself angry and unable to cope with certain things that in the past I would have just let go. This is not a grand example but it is one that I am having a problem with. Lying, yes lying or in another sense hiding things from me. I have no secrets; if I did you would not be able to Google my name and find this blog. If you have to hide who you are talking to, hide things from me like social media, texts, etc… Then I cannot trust you, would you trust me if I were not truthful? No one would, I am very open about my issues and to be honest if others don’t like it, don’t try to understand, or just don’t want to understand then all I have to say is good luck and good bye.

I am tired of being angry; I am tired of being alone. I have tried and failed, only to keep trying. I know that part of it is me, but I cannot blame all of it on me, can I? No I cannot blame it all on me. I understand that this is a much different post than what I put out yesterday, but welcome to my world. I figure that I am destined to be alone.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline