If you had lived my life, would you be in the same place as I?
If you knew what it was like for me would you have expected differently from me?
I never understood things like love, family, even friendship. To me these were things as foreign as Chinese. To understand me better it would actually take putting you through the same things that happened in my life to make you understand.
I have a gift for understatement it seems for though my life is and was hell it probably pales in comparison to others. You see I was physically abused, I was mentally abused, I was emotionally abused, and I was sexually abused. My mind broke you see, it broke into many separate pieces. Today is a better day because it seems that I am cooperating with myself.
Would I change my life if I could, that question has been asked of me not only from me but several professionals, no I tell them life lived cannot be changed, things done, cannot be undone. I do digress on this subject for a moment the only thing I would change is to not have become a psychiatrist’s proving ground, I feel that the medications they were giving me made me worse and I have proof of that sitting right here typing this. If chances were wings frogs wouldn’t bump their ass when they jumped, well I have been given many chances in my life some good most bad.
It seems the one thing I do want a chance at will never be granted, like I have said things done can never be undone, but I have also said that new beginnings come from old endings. I describe love as this, when one person cannot live without the other, when thoughts of this person flow through out your every waking thought almost obsessive in nature, you cannot tell your life from theirs. When you do things for them even without thought, when you pass an item in a store and it makes you think of them, when you know that just their touch will give you a feeling of immense contentment, yes even when you get irritated and aggravated with them, you still feel love for them. I only found this for the first time in my life and now that I am denied the person that gave me the ability to understand what this is, I don’t seem to be able to move on, I now know what love is, so why is it that I do not ever want to love another person in my life again but her?
Were the things I did so bad that she cannot love me; I will have to say the answer to that is yes, am I confused beyond all rationality that is a true statement? I feel a need to explain that, the end was more sudden than I expected almost as if I ceased to exist, from say goodbye and I love you to goodbye forever in less than a day. It didn’t happen slowly in my eyes but at the time I was blinded by science and their pharmacopeia of pills every day, but you would think that I was still aware of more than just me.
Here I sit trying to convince myself that there is something more to all of this than there is, bottom line is that she doesn’t love me anymore, will not try to see me for the man I am, hell won’t even look past the end of her nose in my direction. So why even try? You tell me and then we will both know.
With much love and gratitude,
Dan (the confused one still) Kline