A conversation to me…..

I have looked into my own eyes and I see different things, I still see me but in a different way the changes are subtle, they are of knowing, knowing who I am as a man, knowing how I want to be treated as a man, knowing that I am not the man I once was, insecure, fearful and angry. I am no longer that fellow, yes I am still afraid but not of what was, I have grown to understand that I do not hold the past, present nor future, I have no control over any of those events. I have belief that what will come will come and if not then I am not the one to lose, I will gain from that, I will gain knowledge and understanding of myself, of what more needs to be different of myself. I do not want you to reply to this not because it may not help but for me to tell you of me as I am, I am old, broken, hard and changed, I am not sure if it is for the better or not but this is away for me to talk not only to you but myself. I can only expect people to take me as I am, if they dont then they dont. Hurt is no longer a part of my life anymore not for myself nor for those I love. Take me as I am or leave me entirely it is not being mean or nasty but an understanding that must be met. I ask little from those I care for but to only care for me, I ask only that the respect shown to those I care for be returned, I dont lie to those I care for and fully expect that in return. If thought about most would agree that they only wish to be treated the same way. Once again I do not want a reply just for this to be read and understood.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Just a thought…..

If there were magic, true magic I would have everything in this world that I wanted. But it may also be said that if magic were used to gain it would it truly be yours?

My thought for the day.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Some old things, some new things and a wish for all of you…..

I do know that among the other things I am dealing with today that this is a bit stupid, I was cleaning out the bag I use to carry my things in when we go out to plow snow I came across a letter that I wrote to Gerri while in the hospital, it was written with a green marker of all things, you take what you can while in there and do the best that you can, now why am I putting it out here well because, well I don’t really know. I do understand that it makes no difference in the way she feels but I am going to do it anyway.

Funny I am writing this with a green marker in the hospital, I will put this on my blog later. When I called you earlier and asked if you loved me you said I will always love you, not I love you; you put it in the past tense. So I wanted to tell you where I failed to keep our love alive to survive. I failed you by not saying it; I failed you by not showing it. I had stopped doing all those little things that made you know I loved you. I stopped kissing you; these are just some of the ways I failed in our love. I am not asking that you take me back, and if you feel that what we had cannot be saved then divorce me. But I also remembered some of the things I do love about you, your smile. I mean when you really smile and your eyes light up. The way your hair only goes grey in the middle of the part in your hair. The sound of you laughing, watching you put on your make up, the smell of the face powder you are forever out of, the turban look when you step out of the bath body still wet and hair wrapped in a towel to dry. The way the bath towel plays peek-a-boo with your butt, lol. This is mine to say about you, I am asking nothing in return from this, I just thought you should know where I failed you.

This was at the last stopping point in my journey with the hospital system. I have not been back since and to me that is a great accomplishment in and of itself. I am no longer that person anymore, now I am not saying that I will never need the hospital again, hell sometimes it is safer in there than out here, in there they all understand and are all in the business of helping me and focusing on me to see me make it out here in the real world. I often wonder if I shouldn’t just check myself in and never leave again, but that means I have failed myself and I am not there at this point in my life.

A part of me left today it was an important part of me and yes I am having a hard time with it, but I lived without that part for a long time, can that part of me live without me? Well it is a part of me and even if it has its own mind it will eventually come back to us, I should say us because we are a whole, separate but the same. It took me well over two hours and a call to my therapist to get my system under control all of them were screaming and running around literally in my head looking for the little boy with the big blue eyes, Serena, Khayleth and even Anger were in turmoil, they don’t understand why he left or is hiding, none of us even had a clue as to why he went an hid, we did check pretty far into the recesses of my mind behind a lot of doors but as we got further in the fear came so we went back to the places we felt safe again. We talked and talked again, boy if I didn’t know me this would sound like an insane man but I am not insane just fractured, with the help of Brenda or therapist we all calmed down and realized that the little boy will eventually return, in the mean time we needed to be calm and understanding of each other, I think when he sees that we are calm and miss him he will return. I think his first time allowing himself to be heard scared him. It scared me too, but if we are all not heard in some way, if we don’t tell the things that make us afraid then we internalize them and that causes all the things that made us the way we are right now. We are all that small frightened little boy looking for someone to hold us, to tell us that we are loved, to have someone tell us we will be alright, that the monsters in our life will not harm us. This is my wish to all of you, that you have someone to do all those things that make you feel safe and loved, this is what I wish for you.

With much love and gratitude,

Daniel Kline

URGENT HELP NEEDED, PLEASE…..

Sexual abuse, and losing a intergal part of my system

He is gone; the little boy in my mind is gone. Perhaps I need to explain, we all know that other aspects of my mind can and do take over from time to time and well last night the little boy took over and revealed to Gerri some of our most hidden secrets, I am not sure why he did it but he felt he could trust her and she made him feel safe, then. He even asked her if she would give him a name, she did it was Kevin and he seemed to like it, but now it is scrawled onto my mind where he used to be and it looks like he used a rock to scratch it out, and underneath is only the little boy. Here is what he told her, he told her about when I was eight years old and about the sexual acts my father made me and my brothers perform on him, I will not go into the detail that was gone into last night, I don’t have the strength to talk about it right now. He was there this morning humming some damn lullaby that Gerri was singing to him last night, but now I, Khayleth and Serena can find no trace of him except some very angry face book messages left for Gerri, I am sure her feelings are hurt. I was sleeping this morning, and just woke up and I knew the minute I awoke that something was wrong with my system it is in chaos, the others including anger are searching for the little boy, I can no longer see him sitting there with his big blue eyes, I don’t see where anything has happened or was said to the little boy to make him run. This is extremely distressing to me part of me is missing and I can’t find it, I need someone to tell me how to find him he is just a little boy a huge part of me that is just gone, I don’t know what to do, there has to be someone out there who has had this happen please help me! I NEED HELP FINDING THE LITTLE BOY WITH THE BIG BLUE EYES, who until last night never said a word to anyone and now that he has he is gone. PLEASE HELP ME; I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

A promise from me to me…..

So if you had been told like I have been told over the last several days that you had the emotional fortitude of a lama, you think that it would give you a hint that there is something smelly in Denmark (no offense to the people of Denmark, it is just a saying I either made up or heard somewhere), I mean it took one of my readers whom is very dear to me to, telling me to take an emotional coffee break for me to see that I have been wrapped up, twisted and borderline obsessive with the way I am feeling, insert notation here, not that I am in no way dismissing how I feel. But I am being unobjective to myself, blaming myself for how another feels or in this case felt for me or not about me at all. It is so draining, it takes so much energy from me that I have nothing left for me or for that matter anyone else, it’s as if I am putting out there for the universe a literal kick me sign, if others can feel it and sense it what a put off that must be, to see me a grown ass man wallowing in self pity and wasting energy chasing my own tail.

 

Now as good as all that sounds it is very hard to stop myself from doing just that, chasing my own tail. It takes will and effort to do this and I am afraid that I haven’t the ability to stop this wallowing in self pity. I have gained from my experiences, I know what and how to love, now to step out in the world and let others see me for me, know me for me the man I am not the wretch that is sitting in front of this computer. Still sounds good right? It is even harder to contemplate going forth and finding something I know I already had and want still to this very second.

But I will make a promise to myself that from this hour forward every day I will do something for me, even something as small as to stop and look around me and find wonder in this world I do actually live in, as for the rest I will do what I can one step at a time, crawl, walk, run in that order. This I promise to myself.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

If only it would stop…..

If you had lived my life, would you be in the same place as I?

If you knew what it was like for me would you have expected differently from me?

I never understood things like love, family, even friendship. To me these were things as foreign as Chinese. To understand me better it would actually take putting you through the same things that happened in my life to make you understand.

I have a gift for understatement it seems for though my life is and was hell it probably pales in comparison to others. You see I was physically abused, I was mentally abused, I was emotionally abused, and I was sexually abused. My mind broke you see, it broke into many separate pieces. Today is a better day because it seems that I am cooperating with myself.

Would I change my life if I could, that question has been asked of me not only from me but several professionals, no I tell them life lived cannot be changed, things done, cannot be undone. I do digress on this subject for a moment the only thing I would change is to not have become a psychiatrist’s proving ground, I feel that the medications they were giving me made me worse and I have proof of that sitting right here typing this. If chances were wings frogs wouldn’t bump their ass when they jumped, well I have been given many chances in my life some good most bad.

It seems the one thing I do want a chance at will never be granted, like I have said things done can never be undone, but I have also said that new beginnings come from old endings. I describe love as this, when one person cannot live without the other, when thoughts of this person flow through out your every waking thought almost obsessive in nature, you cannot tell your life from theirs. When you do things for them even without thought, when you pass an item in a store and it makes you think of them, when you know that just their touch will give you a feeling of immense contentment, yes even when you get irritated and aggravated with them, you still feel love for them. I only found this for the first time in my life and now that I am denied the person that gave me the ability to understand what this is, I don’t seem to be able to move on, I now know what love is, so why is it that I do not ever want to love another person in my life again but her?

Were the things I did so bad that she cannot love me; I will have to say the answer to that is yes, am I confused beyond all rationality that is a true statement? I feel a need to explain that, the end was more sudden than I expected almost as if I ceased to exist, from say goodbye and I love you to goodbye forever in less than a day. It didn’t happen slowly in my eyes but at the time I was blinded by science and their pharmacopeia of pills every day, but you would think that I was still aware of more than just me.

Here I sit trying to convince myself that there is something more to all of this than there is, bottom line is that she doesn’t love me anymore, will not try to see me for the man I am, hell won’t even look past the end of her nose in my direction. So why even try? You tell me and then we will both know.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan (the confused one still) Kline

The way of the leaf…..

It seems that when I am pushed I tend to push back harder and often times stronger than I was pushed in the first place, now that is a problem and I need to understand and learn to deal with it. So I have come up with sort of an answer, it is called being a leaf or the way of the leaf for you Robert Jordan fans with the exception that if violence is done unto me I will do violence in return, if you leave me be no harm will befall you. So here it is, like a leaf falling from a tree it is unstable, and doesn’t always follow a direct path but moves and flows with the breeze it is carried by till it eventually ends up on the ground. So I am going to be like the leaf and go with the breeze and fall gently to the ground eventually. This in theory is a good idea now if I can only practice what in preach, that will be the key. Most of the time I am that big limb that crashes to the ground taking out all the branches below me with no concern or regard for the other limbs. But I am going to try this and see if it works.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline