New Outlet for Creativity

Hi…..

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a certain mode of life, not a lifestyle but a mode of life? I will try to explain, when I was a child I learned from a very early age that it was better to run, to hide than it was to be seen and heard, I learned that when good things and bad things happen and not in that order(this sentence doesn’t make sense but I am leaving it). I learned that when good things were happening then I readied my self to run and hide. When I was a child never took my shoes off after I woke up and I didn’t take them off all day till I was back in bed, as an adult I still do not take off my shoes unless I am sleeping or taking a shower. They stay on because you never know when I will have to run and hide. Fucked up shit I know this, will I tell you the bad things? No. Will I tell you the good things, I don’t even remember what the good things were, but no I wouldn’t tell you those either. I call this survival life mode.

 

Flash forward to my adult life, I am still running and hiding, the bad things that were done to me have not been done in years, yet I still run and hide when good things happen. I am still in survival life mode and I am not able to get out of it. I had a good job, I have over 23 years experience in my job field. I quit my job on Monday 2019-07-29 by driving to work and putting my work key under a can behind the side entrance. Here are the reasons I gave and what led up to it.

 

I have a few problems, issues, call them what you will. I have PTSD, DID, anxiety and survival life mode, ready to run at a moments notice.

My fears and thought patterns so ingrained in my thought processes as a child have followed me into adult life. I had some bad days and good days, I had lost everything I had, everything I had multiple times and I am so tired now, I am sure that most of you understand my meaning of just how tired I am.

But I digress I am telling you my reasons. I had some good days and bad, on the bad days I would not be able to work, sometimes it was more than one day because anxiety kicked in.

Well in 23 years I was written up, normally not a huge issue right, but the over a period of 4 months I got written up 2 more times, once more is termination. I was not written up a fourth time I quit after my third write up.

More explanation is needed, the man I worked for is a very decent man, he is not a today s kind of boss, yes bottom line counted but if any of his employees needed help he did what he could to help with the situation. This is honestly how I feel and what my thought process is right now, I did not want to be written up again, I did not want to have to walk outside to talk to my boss where he looks pained yet knows that he has to write me up because it is the right thing to do, yet it felt like it wasn’t personal but just a nasty part of his job that is necessary. I know, what kinda shit am I trying to sell you right? I’m not selling nothing, you haven’t met the man and you wouldn’t know him even were I to name him. So instead of knowing I could have another bad day I quit, I told that I quit because I didn’t want to get written up again and I didn’t want to have him print out the form again, I didn’t want to have to read the damn form again, I sure as fuck wasn’t going to sign another one. I didn’t want to go outside and have that walk and talk and I god damn sure didn’t want him to have to fire me, and I fucking well didn’t want to get fired. Not like this because I can’t get my life out a mode that feels like it has been written in my DNA, its the driving force behind every fucking little decision (or big, if you get my meaning) I make, good, bad and indifferent. I WANT OUT, OF THIS MODE OF LIFE, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MODE OF LIFE.

Tell me have you ever had a life mode? Have you had something that happened to you steer the course and decisions you have made in your life? Those decisions that I gave to him because I quit were bullshit, but it is done, I would not take it back even if I wanted to, this begins another chapter of my life, not sure I am going to survive it because I turn 49 on the 7^th of August. I also found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder, those are what the bad days are, for now, my other issues (if you will) have to go on the back burner.

I do have to say that because my issues are mental and not physical is a problem in and of itself because even though I am acting, thinking and seem to be alright, I’m not because there are 6 distinct personalities in my own head all with all the other issues in there. But I will act normal, I will smile, tell a joke, but fucking understand this, all of hell has created the mother of chaotic storms and the center of this storm is right behind my eyes. Like I said I need to get out of survival life mode.

Gratitude,

Dan

Something Completely Different…..

Time for another series by me, I have been doing some research on the topic of Prepping and the idea of what that means? In my research I have found many different types of preppers, wait I don’t know if I like the word preppers, how about we call them, well I guess you can really only call them preppers because they are preparing for something. Some kind of emergency be it a hurricane, an earthquake or other natural disaster or even the really big events such as EMP, nuclear war, invasion from another country, etc. But they all have one thing in common they are preparing.

But wait let’s start at the beginning, my father was in the Military for nearly 27 years and he had a philosophy that went something like this. It’s all great to have extra things you need on hand especially if you live in an area that is prone to natural disasters, floods, foul weather, heavy snows and such, but when it does come time for something major to happen the simple fact is that you have to physically survive that something before you can go on living. Now he says that most of today’s generation (us millennials, as he calls us) wouldn’t survive taking a shit in the woods due to our lack of situational awareness because we didn’t see the bear behind the next tree that ate us. Thanks Dad, but I spent 14 years in the military myself and well that may not make me old school like him I do know that bears don’t usually attack people unless there are extreme circumstances, geez I am way off my subject point again but if you are a follower of my blog this tends to happen quite frequently.

Ok back on topic, where do 90% of the United States population live? They live in an urban area. One of the things that hit me the most was the overwhelming fact that (and this has been verified by numerous sources) most homes have at most three days of food on hand and less than one day of water on hand. The other fact that hit me was that all grocery stores and gas stations have the same issue; they rely on multiple shipments of goods on a weekly basis. I am not going to say go out and buy lots of MRE’s or start stockpiling water, guns, and ammo because if you just Google Prepping you will see a hell of a lot of sites dedicated to just that. What I want to know and to talk about is if and when a, let’s say a natural disaster hits the area you live in (an urban area) what do you really need to get by until services are restored? You could be without power for several days, how will you cook food for yourself and family? If you live in a colder region how would you keep you and your family warm? And what about drinking water, some prepper sites say to fill your bathtub and sinks and any available clean bucket with tap water, ok I get it but really if you don’t clean your tub before filling it then you really don’t want to drink the water you have just filled your tub with. Yes, what I am saying is basic but if you look at the overall situation it’s just not a good idea. Now comes the part where most would tell you to use bleach, iodine tablets and boiling the water to make it safe to drink and they would be right but using bleach to purify water is iffy. If you have a gallon of water it takes 1/4 teaspoon to make the water drinkable. What they don’t tell you is that this is not a long-term solution. If you use a tincture of iodine to purify water it takes 5 drops per quart if the water is clear, and 10 drops per quart if the water is cloudy and you have to wait at least an hour before you can drink or use the water. Again they don’t tell you that this is not a viable long-term solution.

What I am going on about is what can you do in the environment you live in to sustain you and your family for at least 72 hours or until your local services come back on. I myself live in an urban area and this is what I am going to find out and share with you over the next few entries.

 

Stick with me folks because this just could get a little fucking crazy, and trust me I know crazy.

Rambling Games…..

You know you have to wonder just how much the mind can take, I mean really the torture that we or should I say I have put my mind thru is just simply staggering it really is. The thoughts, the constant infighting in my own damned mind even. Once again I am writing from the cuff, just seeing where my thoughts go, so hold on and enjoy the ride. I get it I really do but if the thought process I have been creating is by any means real or even suggested its real then I am totally screwed, so here it is.

 

 

I wonder about the damage that has been caused to my body, mind and nervous system from prolonged Xanax use. I had thought that I could take the medication and not overuse it or underuse it, I was so fucking wrong, so very wrong that I think, no I know that I have hurt myself worse from not taking it. I went to my Doctor and I told him that I was addicted to Xanax and that I wanted to get off it and well he understands. But does he really understand that 24 hours after taking my last dose in the bottle that I start going through withdrawals? Does he understand that Xanax however useful it is, is addictive? I am not sure that he does, because if he did he would……. I mean fuck me I am not sure what I mean, I can’t fucking make sense of anything right now because I feel like shit. I am sweating, I am cold, I don’t sleep right, I don’t eat right. Fuck I just can’t seem to do anything right now that is right. They said it was not habit forming, but what about habit forming for the mind? That small place in my head that tells me that this is the only way to get my mind to shut down. There it is, opioids are habit forming especially when you have been on the short-term drug for so many years that I cant remember when I started taking it. It isn’t too bad for going cold turkey again and again and again. That is where I am at right now. I have failed myself because I know I cannot take the damned shit, I have failed in my life, my work, my family and all of the other things I have failed at in my life. But let me explain why I was taking it, for anxiety, for sleep, to keep me calm. But in the end the damned drug just made me not care while I was on it, nothing really mattered or it could be put off for another time. I don’t pay my bills, I don’t eat, I do sleep as a matter of fact it is easier to just suck down 3 or 4 Xanax and sleep my life away instead of facing the reality I have created for myself. So know what? Well I know I can not take it anymore. So do I get that refill or do I just continue on with the cold turkey bullshit? It has been over a week since my last dose. I am now on Buspar to help with the anxiety but you know what? It barely works….

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan

CBT Oil more answers than questions?

Ya, so that title is backward on purpose, just as I was finishing writing the last blog I found this.

 

HOLY SHIT BATMAN, THE JOKES ON ME,

I am not even going to try to copy paste this or rewrite it so here is the link.

 

https://www.solcbd.com/blogs/news/doing-it-wrong-how-to-dose-cbd-oil-for-anxiety

So CBT Oil….. Pro’s / Con’s?

So I have decided to try something different for a change and I am doing this on a trial basis, I have been taking CBT (hemp oil) 1000mg in 33mg doses for the last 3 days. On the first day of taking it, I found that I did feel different, calmer, more or should I say less anxious, angry, and even less fearful. But I am going to put that down as the placebo effect if you think it works then it actually will. That night I only took 3mg of Xanax to fall asleep. I won’t even get started on the fucking fact that a six-week therapy drug has been in my system for over ten fucking years, fucking with my nervous system, shakes or tremors, serious mood swings, but I digress this is not that blog, YET!

Ok so day two went well still had the same feeling as day one but I did notice something else, I was engaging others which as you well know I don’t do very well. Actually, I should say I did when I was younger but that was then and things have been extremely different the last 20 years or so. But I was actually engaging in conversation and, wait for it, just wait for it…… cracking fucking jokes, believe it or not, my friends I have a great sense of humor and my off the cuff jokes and pretty damn good. Is this CBT oil working? Not going to render judgment just yet. That night still took 3mg of Xanax to get to sleep.

And now day three, I actually slept the whole night but awoke in somewhat of a grouchy mood, didn’t want to get out of bed and actually ran through some thoughts in my head about how to get out of work today. But I am at work, speaking of which on day two I was more focused and on task than I have been in a while. Still not rendering a judgment. I do know that the starter dose will not work for a full 24 hours so I asked and was told that for different afflictions (yes I said that) that different doses were used. That the 33mg was just the suggested starter dose. And here is what I found out from Medical News Today Online and dated December 2017, just saying.

Chronic pain: Take between 2.5 and 20 milligrams (mg) by mouth for no more than 25 days.

Epilepsy: Consume between 200 and 300 mg of CBD by mouth daily for up to 4.5 months.

Movement problems associated with Huntington’s disease: Taking 10 mg every day for six weeks can help ease movements.

Sleep disorders: Take between 40 and 160 mg.

Schizophrenia: Consume between 40 and 1,280 mg CBD by mouth daily for up to 4 weeks.

Glaucoma: One dose of between 20 and 40 mg applied under the tongue can help to relieve pressure in the eye. However, caution is advised – doses greater than 40 mg might actually increase pressure.

Patients with chronic anxiety are often advised to avoid cannabis, as THC can trigger or amplify anxiety and paranoia in some people.

However, a review from Neurotherapeutics suggests that CBD may help to reduce the anxiety felt by people with certain anxiety disorders.

 

The researchers point to studies showing that CBD may reduce anxiety behaviors in disorders such as:

 

Post-traumatic stress disorder

General anxiety disorder

Panic disorder

Social anxiety disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

The review notes that current medications for these disorders can lead to additional symptoms and side effects and that people may stop taking the drugs because of these unwanted effects.

CBD has not shown any adverse effects in these cases to date, and the researchers call for CBD to be studied as a potential treatment method. But people please note that they have no suggested dosage for this and as far as my research has shown they don’t it is as needed on a case by case account.

So now on day three I have taken 33mg this morning and plan to take another 15mg about 5pm and see the effects and then if needed another 15mg at bedtime. If anyone knows more than what I am sharing or has any thoughts at all please share them because it sucks having Xanax poisoning and the fact that they put me on Wellbutrin to help me decrease and stop taking the Xanax is not working. And no I have not told my Doctor and yes I have stopped taking the Wellbutrin but that was because it was making me angrier like it did the last time I took it and yes I stopped taking it about two weeks before trying the oil.

And the truth is…..

I find some things interesting about myself, yes I am being introspective. What a lark, right? Well, one of the things I found interesting is the fact that I can take something bad that either I have done or let’s say abusive towards myself and just irrationally explain it away. Take cutting, for example, we all know that it is not exactly healthy for anyone to be doing due to the fact that it really does not give one a sense of self-control. But I have done it and still do it. The fucked up part is that no matter how many times I have cut myself, or how deep or even where I cut myself I cannot feel the pain. I see the cut, I see the blood but I feel nothing. My skin or pain receptors do not really register the pain. So I asked myself if I keep doing this one of two things are going to happen; A – I am going to cut myself deep enough that I am really going to hurt myself, or B – I am going to end up cutting myself so many times in so many different places that again I am going to hurt myself to the point I will, well we won’t go there. Suffice it to say that I have quit cutting it doesn’t give me a sense of control, it doesn’t feed my selfish nature and it’s just plain fucked up when I have to hide the scars so I don’t have to explain them away and lie to others about what I have been doing, I mean for fucks sake I have enough scars from my years in the military that are easily explained but what about those perfect straight line cuts on my forearms, what about those perfect cuts on my left hand between my thumb and wrist that look like a cross hatch pattern. To be noted I will be getting a tattoo to cover those up because in my professional life I get quite a few stares that always seem to say I know what you have been doing. Paranoid? Yes, I am because it is no one’s business.

I just had to look…..

Wow it has been so long since I have posted on my blog or even looked at it. It amazes me as I peruse the many things I have written over the years all the anger, the sadness, the confusion, not one thing that really strikes me as being positive. Then it hits me, why did I stop writing, why did I stop communicating in a form that has served me so well, so often? The answer is I don’t know. I ask myself am I really any different than I was then? I would like to think that I am but you see I really haven’t done anything different with my life I still do all those things that I did back then, except I locked myself away from the world. I still spend all of my time away from people unless I actually have to be in contact with them. I am still as angry now as I was then, but somehow it seems different so I guess that is a good change. I still deal with my others but its seems more like we live in comfortable silence with each other, perhaps because I have been isolating all this time. I have to say even when I am around other people I am always isolated, wrapped in my own little cocoon of an emotionless void. I guess in some ways I have changed you see, but in others I am still the very same person that started this blog not understanding what was wrong, why I was like this and how do I live with all of this? I have lived with all of this but still along the way I have lost and I am still losing not only myself but physical things, people I love, things I have owned. I have not felt much of anything for this whole period of time I go day by day just wanting to get this day over with so the next one can begin. Not much change as the days have gone by, what am I looking for? What kind of miracle is it that I am seeking only to really never look for said miracle? God I still ramble just like before, on that I have to smile I never could keep my thoughts from just pouring out while I write, my curse I guess. I want to write on here, I need to write on here. Even if it is the only meaningful interaction I have with other people.

Still, what to use as a Title…..

I’m just sitting here, jumbled mind, incoherent emotions not really knowing how I am feeling or even what I am thinking. My life feels stifled, stagnant even, not moving in any direction at all. I have gone through the loss cycle again, lost almost all of my physical things we already know about my mind. My job is not going very well and actually I have been contemplating a move a life change. To be honest I am no longer sure what to do. I know the only reason I stay here is because my son lives here and although he is now 17 I think he still needs me, explanation my son and I haven’t seen each other at all and it has been that way since he was 15, I am to blame sometimes my alters get in the way of…. I cannot blame them the truth is it was the weekend and I was drinking and that is one hell of a no, no with my condition because, well things get really fucked up in my mind. I mean honestly the truth needs to be told and I have no one else to tell but you guys. The where’s, whys and how’s of the situation are not important what is important is the fact that I lost control of my mouth and I let the landscape of my mind flow right out of my…… guys there was a whole lot of things going on at the time and I really don’t know how to explain all of this but I know I need to try.

 

Ok, so he had started smoking pot about age 14, I don’t condemn him and I asked him why one day while riding in the…. Aww geeez there is so much to this that I need a moment.

THE POINT IS?

I have no friends, yet have no enemies either.

I have a job, yet never make enough to fully support myself.

I have a car, yet I have nowhere to go.

I have questions, yet receive no answers.

I pray to God, yet no path unfolds.

Is this the life for me? Do I stay at my job and feel as if I live on half ration for the rest of my life? Do I find a destination to drive my car to? Do I go in search of the answers I seek? Or do I wait and see if God has a path for me? All questions, yet unanswered. I was told I would be given the means to support myself 60 hours a pay period even if I had to file paperwork, I was told I could make as much as I wanted a salary, a percentage even, yet when I answered and said what I needed there was never a reply only silence. As for friends, they come and go with life like a breeze in the forest, there when you truly need them and just a whisper when you don’t. As for a place to drive I cannot go, you see the faith I put into my job is what keeps me inside the 10’-0”X12’-0” room I stay in. Never to go and see what wonders there are to be seen. Still no answers to the questions I seek, and yet not a path lay before me except to work my job, go to my meager room, to read, to watch movies and do nothing else. You see there are those who understand then there are those who think they understand, and then there are those who pretend only to get you to keep moving in the direction they want you to move.